MPP & Me

Google Gobbles Postini

2007-07-09T16:00:00.000-04:00

The war between Google and Microsoft is getting ever more intense, as Google buys Postini to provide embedded protection for Google Apps, which competes for the very heart of Microsoft's biz: office applications.

While Google Apps has has to be considered a success (signing up 1,000 customers a day), bigger companies have been more reluctant due to fears about security and compliance. But the purchase of Postini should put those worries to rest as Google's hosted office applications are as well protected as Postini's email service.

But what is an email service provider to do? Basically, the only true option for them remains Message Partner's MPP, which you can read more about right here.

Fourth of July Spam

2007-07-03T13:04:00.000-04:00

Well, it's coming up on the 4th of July, and at Message Partners, what would be a better occasion than to figure out some funny (hopefully) ways spammers could spam us Americans for the 4th. And away we go:

To: MichaelBolton@HasBeen.com
Subject: Rockets Red Glare
Remember when you forgot the words to the National Anthem? Well fear no more, just click here and buy our "Star Spangled Banner" contact lenses, and never stumble or forget the words again.

To: Sparklers@FireJerks.com
Subject: Sparklers
Are fireworks illegal in your area except for boring sparklers? At Firejerks we have 10, 20, 50 foot sparklers that will light up the entire night sky for hours. Just make sure everyone is dressed in fire proof clothes. Click here.

To: FirecrackerJoe@ThomasFamily.com
Subject: Like Watching Fireworks Accidents?
So do we. So when you light off all your fireworks this year, make sure you get it all on tape, and send any mishaps to the following link _____.

To: GeorgeWashington@NewCountry.com
Hello George. It has recently come to our attention that you are looking to sign and adopt the Declaration of Independence in early July. May we suggest the 2nd of July, or the 3rd of July, or even 5th of July. You see, we own the web addresses for those dates, and we will be willing to split any profits realized by those exclusive websites. Just don't sign it on the 4th of July, as that site is owned by someone named John Hancock.

To: Dan@Creightonville.com
Subject: Hate A Parade
Do you hate parades? All the noise and commotion. Well just click on the following link, and join our I-hate-a-parade Parade. Come on, it'll be fun.

Dog Spam

2007-06-29T14:02:00.000-04:00

While in no way is Message Partners in the pet-care industry, we most certainly are in the stop-spam industry, which makes us wonder: what what spam look like if it came to your pet dog? Some examples follow:

To: Fido@PetKing.com
Subject: SIT!!!
Stay. Shake. Roll over. Up. Get back down. Good Dog! Now click here and buy.

To: Spot@TheThomasFamily.com
Subject: See Spot Do More Than Run
Aren't you tired of all those simplistic Spot stories where all you do is run around and chase things. Well in our new series of books, you can see Spot drive an 18 wheeler, or see Spot trade derivates. Just click here.

To: Rusty@BarnesHousehold.com
Subject: We're Onto You
Come on, Rusty, we know what you're doing when the owners away. Watching cable, checking email, slurping the best scotch, laying around all day in the lap of luxury. If you don't click here and immediately give us 100 dollars (we know where you bury the loose change in the back yard), we'll let your owner know exactly what their little doggie is capable of: WORK!!!

To: Crumpet@MansWorstFriend.com
Subject: Spade Bob Barker
Isn't it time Bob Barker paid for always reminding owners to take your doghood away from you. Your very reason for being? Click here and donate to the cause.

To: Fluffy@FluffnStuff
Subject: Tail Droop
Is your tail no longer wagging like it used to? Is your tail no longer bushy and long? Well click here and in two weeks get a longer, bushier tail that can outwag even the youngest pup!

That's all for now. Have a great weekend all.

You Might Be a Spammer If... (cont'd)

2007-06-25T16:09:00.000-04:00

At Message Partners, we do daily battle with spammers. Which makes us wonder, exactly what is it that makes someone a spammer? Some ideas follow:

You Might Be a Spammer If...

You watch a small screen TV so all of your body parts look bigger

You send consulting bills to friends who only thought they were just hanging out with you.

Whenever a magazine insert falls out of a magazine, you fill out a friend’s name.

You tell everyone you were one of the first Viagra babies.

You think women should figure out a way to have babies by e-section.

When you eat rice, you wonder why each grain of rice doesn’t have a message written on it.

You eat Alphabets cereal for every morning for clues to figure out what nonsense messages you’re going to put in your subject matter that day.

You take half a dozen pills every day just to keep your body parts the same size.

The Necessity of Email Integration

2007-06-21T08:39:00.000-04:00

A quick description on our MPP enhancements: On a very basic level, MPP functions as a stand alone email security and compliance product. We have significantly increased functionality in terms of how we can control multiple engines, how we can use comparative spam scoring and our own spam scoring algorithm so we can evaluate many tests. We have added considerable enhancements to our white and black listing methodologies and we’ve done a lot with how we archived messages so we’ve increased the archival capabilities considerably.

To hear the whole podcast, click right here.

Taunting Spam XIII

2007-06-18T12:40:00.000-04:00

Due to popular demand, Taunting Spam is back! Haven't done one in awhile, and spam just keeps rushing the barricades we improve by the day at Message Partners. So, for all of those who have to click through a mountain of spam to get to their legitimate email, here goes:

I received the following spam:

Subject: it`s kellie

Hi

My name is kellie. I found your email on that dating site.
I also love sex on the side. I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week :( If you are interested and wanna see my pictures just email me at XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Don`t reply, use the email above (my boyfriend doesn`t know about that email!)

Taunt begins: Hey there kellie. I hope this taunt finds you not so great, Kellie.

So you found my email on that dating site. I think I know the site you're referring to...it's that really high-end Studs for Hire site, right, and as it says on the site, to email any of the studes on the site, you must pay them 1 million dollars. So I can expect the 1 million in the mail soon, right?

And you say you love sex on the side. Sex on the side, huh? What about sex on your back, or sex on top. Sex on the side has always struck me a awkward and a good way to poke out an eye.

Also, about seeing your pictures. I don't know if you know this, but there are a lot of pictures of naked woman on the net, and they don't require an email at all. I mean, you can't really surf the internet anymore without running into a naked lady.

Now if you were actually dressed, and you actually treated your hard working man right, that I would like to see. Oh well...

Early American Spam

2007-06-15T14:35:00.002-04:00

We know our history at Message Partners, and as the history of spam is not a long one, that's pretty easy for us to do. But what if Spam existed pert near forever, even during the founding of America. Hear Ye Hear Ye Hear Ye!!! Some examples follow:

To: GW@MtVernon.com
Subject: Got Teeth?
Here at Choppers Inc., the tooth specialists, we have many new and revolutionary replacement ideas for your old wooden teeth. Our newest invention is teeth made from baked cow dung, which is very cheap, and eliminates most of the smell. But it sure beats lip splinters. Click here.

To: Madison@WoodCattage.com
Subject: Ye Olde Sex Organ...
Would you like your unit to look huge. Just visit our website and buy our organ enlarger then, when you get together with your lady-friend, just have her put on the special spectacles and watch her recoil in horror.

To: PaulRevere@DamnedBritish.com
Subject: Horse Security
Did you know horse thievery and horse jacking are on the rise all over the 13 colonies. With our saddle security lock, absolutely no one can get on your horse or get the saddle off without your permission. And the giant wooden bar that stretches across most main streets easily folds up and fits in a saddlebag.

To: DearestDaniel@PlymouthBoulder.com
Subject: You could be rich
Hello Daniel. I am Steve Stevo, and I am personal assistant to the King of Canada. While you may think Canada has no King, how wrong you are. We need you to send us some money so we can find and unbury great riches, which we will split 70/45 with you (authors note: this is early America, where they didn't have a real good fix on percentages).

Spam for Insects

2007-06-08T11:17:00.000-04:00

Spam spam spammity spam. Some days, that seems to be all we think about at Message Partners. So on those spam-filled days, I just have to think of spam in a different way. And today, I'm thinking about what spam would look like if insects got email. It follows:

To: ant26798765454@hotmail.com
Subject: Picnic Alert
Want to take the guesswork out of raiding picnics? Tired of getting their too late after the potato salad has been raided and the humans have scattered? Then click here and get our up-to-the-minute picnic alert.

To: CricketNick33@gmail.com
Subject: Chirp
Chirp chirp chirp bigger chirp chirp longer chirp chirp chirp click here.

To: GnatNat@aol.com
Subject: Lost a Loved One?
We've managed to gather a massive database of windshield photos that you can search through to find out if a loved one left you, or ended up an asterisk on the windshield.

To: TopBug@hotmail.com
Subject: Human Spray
Humans have bug spray. And now bugs have human spray. Also, are you tired of being tiny? Click here and see what we have to make you as big as a bus at BugLabs has in the works.

To: Cicada@swampmail.com
Subject: Cicada Dating
Some cicadas appear every year, and then there are those that only appear every 17 years. Whichever one you are, when you only live two to four weeks, you don't want to waste your time in endless small talk and first dates. Meet your life partner here now!!!

To: BeetleBob@MyDarkSpace.com
Subject: Beetle Power
Are you tired of overhearing people talking about you, the most species-rich of the insect world, only to realize they're referring to some mop-top band that's never even seen the underside of a rock. We have some connections in high government to get Beetles back on everyone's mind.

To: BuzzBoy@HiveCentral.com
Subject: The Bird and the Bees
We understand this is the internet, and there are many disgusting things on the internet, but BirdsAndTheBees is NOT a porn site. Our site is about actual birds and bees. Can you believe it? So please, visit, and please don't ask for insect porn.

To: Sketto@gmail.com
Subject: Make Money Swarming
For years mosquitoes have just randomly swarmed without any real formation and with no plan. Well we at Completo Mosquito can now offer you money to swarm in corporate logo formations. While it's not a lot of money, it's not like you have mosquitoes have savings accounts anyway.

Pirate Spam

2007-06-01T09:39:00.000-04:00

Even though we generally have our eye on keeping email safe at Message Partners, we also notice larger trends, such as the Pirates of the Caribbean pictures, which made us think: what would Pirate Spam look like.

To: PegLegPete@gmail.com
Subject: LJS
Did you know Long John Silver was once known as Stubby John Silver. If you want to see what pills he took to get long, just click here.

To: Arrrrggggh@Scallywag.com
Subject: Pirates of Alaska
Everyone knows that pirates hate the cold weather even more than a polite parrot. But if you've been on the ocean in the last decade you've seen them getting warmer. So join the first pirate ship to set sail for the balmy artic sea.

To: RedBeardRobert@hotmail.com
Subject: Got a Cracker?
Polly wants a cracker. And Polly can be a woman, a man, heck, even a parrot, just as long as you've got 300 crackers if you want to spend the whole night. Click here.

To: BuccaneerBart@PirateSwag.com
Subject: Anti-Piracy
I want to apologize to every one of you scurvy bastards who showed up in your eye-patches and peg-legs to demonstrate against the recent anti-piracy convention held at the Hyatt in Orlando. Who knew they meant copying songs? And what the hell is an MP3 anyway? I wouldn't want to ride on any ship with that name.

To: CaptainCrook@Piracy4Dummies.com
Subject: Google Maps
Have you seen Google Maps, where you can access satellite photos, street level-views, you name it. Did you know they also have another new feature called Google Treature Maps. Click on Google Treasure Maps and find the gold 'X' to see where the treasure is buried. To learn more just click here.

To: EyePatchEric@ShipShape.com
Subject: High-Tech Pirate
Here at Post Modern Pirate, we have developed a number of very useful tools that a modern pirate might need. From an eye-patch that can peer through the thickest fog, to a peg leg with three gyroscoops that won't let you fall over no matter how much booze you've swilled, to special pirate boots that always keep you fastened to the plank. Just click here.

Spammer Skillz Quiz

2007-05-30T17:40:00.000-04:00

At Message Partners, we are aware that pretty much every job has an aptitude test. Well, what about spammers then? The test follows:

1. Email is a great way to...
a) Keep in touch with friends.
b) Forward funny jokes and videos to many people
c) Enlarge your penis.

2. The letters PAMS can be rearranged to spell what word that brings many great and wondrous things into being (hint: it's not AMPS and it's not SMAP and don't you dare write MAPS): ____________________

3. 1,000 billion spam messages are?
a) Way too much.
b) A decent number.
c) A good start.

4. Rose is to one dozen as spam is to:
a) Three dozen.
b) A million.
c) Instead of buying roses, why don't you just hire a hooker.

5. If Tom is bigger than Bill, and Bill is bigger than Leroy, then who needs to take enlargement pills?
a) Tom
b) Bill
c) Every Tom, Bill, and Leroy that has ever been born.

6. A worthless junk stock is worth?
a) Nothing.
b) Fifty dollars.
c) A fantastic opportunity to get rich if you would just click here.

7. Finish the following sentence: "When the going gets tough, the tough _____
a) Get going.
b) Email their friends.
c) Get out of here, spamming ain't tough.

CIA Spam

2007-05-21T18:05:00.000-04:00

At Message Partners, we think a lot about spam (maybe too much). At the CIA, they think a lot about you and me. So what if we combined the two, what if spam knew every last thing about you. Some examples follow:

To:DonaldC@Gmail.com
Subject: Last Longer in Bed
Hello Donald C___ at 14 Prairie Drive. We noticed you didn't do so well with your wife last night, Mr. 34 second man? We at the CIA think you should take something for that. Click right here and you'll see what.

To: MaximumSteve@Yahoo.com
Subject: Your Daughter
Yes, you're daughter looks like an angel. Yes, you're daughter gets all As at her catholic school. But did you know you're daughter is busier than a urinal at a prostate convention? Just look at her MySpace page here.

To: CherylSheffield@AOL.com
Subject: Lipstick
Lipstick is a wonderful thing. It can make ordinary lips look extraordinary. But you already have 17 lipsticks in hump-me-now red. So did you really need to take the sample stick from the Marshall's display last Tuesday at 4:57? Put it back and we'll forget about the whole thing...for now.

To: Jessie11@Gmail.com
Subject: Tooth Care
Hey Jessie, did you realize that when you brushed your teeth, you often skip the last two molars on the upper right side of your mouth. You might want to start paying some bristle attention over there. Oh, and you need to replace your toothbrush.

To: TorrellThomas@hotmail.com
Subject: King of Nigeria
Hello Torrell. Unless you have an Uncle that we don't know about, you are clearly not, nor have you ever known, the ex-King of Nigeria. But did you know we at the CIA do know the President of the United States. Are you going to make us prove it, Torrell?

Translating Spam

2007-05-18T12:41:00.000-04:00

At Message Partners, we see lots and lots of spam (to fight it you have to know it). We have come to the conclusion that spam is one funny language. Which led us to wonder, what would spam read like if translated it into another language then translated back again. Some examples follow:

Started with this line from spam: Shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs.
Translated into Spanish and back it becomes: it will not think anything about falling under the stairs.

Started with: Viagra Soft Tabs will rehabilitate your penis to the extent that it will work better than it used to.
Which becomes (using Spanish): Viagra that the smooth tongue-pieces will rehabilitate their penis until the point of works better than he used a.

Started with: Get rich and follow the millions of people making hundreds of thousands daily off our stock picks now!!
Which becomes (using Spanish): Obtain rich and you follow million people who now make hundreds of daily thousands of our common selections!

Started with: This gem is really movable!!
Which becomes (using Greek): This precious stone is really mobile!

Started with: Then get in touch with me once you receive your draft so that we will rejoice over that together.
Which becomes (using Russian): After this, will obtain in the contact with me as soon as you you will obtain your project so that we rejoice will above the fact together.

Started with: Millions of men are already applying male enhancement patches daily and watching their size and drive go through the roof!
Which becomes (using Portuguese): The millions of the men are applying already the masculine patches of the distinction daily and giving to attention its size and movement it crosses the roof!

Started with: His rejoice himself provoke
Which becomes (using French): His are delighted cause

Started with: When I run out, I shall be ordering as much as my pension will allow.
Which becomes (using Russion): When 4 flight outside, I will order as much in proportion to my pension it will allow.

Taunting Spam XIII

2007-05-16T16:36:00.000-04:00

At Message Partners, we have a unique platform that can use multiple spam filters to knock spam dead. I know what you're probably asking yourself. Why would I need more than one spam filter to filer email.

Well just imagine that you were an ISP, and different spam filters looked into incoming email in different ways with much different bandwidth usage. If you're receiving a huge amount of email, and say, SpamAssassin just took a quick glimpse at incoming email and rejected the standard spam, which was 80 percent of all incoming email.

It's fast, and good, but 80 percent still let's plenty slip by. So after SpamAssassin has scrubbed the email, then Cloudmark gets a look at it, and while Cloudmark takes a much deeper look, and takes longer, there's now much less email to accept or reject. That, my friends, is a modern day email service.

And what follows here is the resumption of another way of getting at spam, and that's by taunting it.

I received the following spam:

> Subject: Please Acknowledge Receipt
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> I represent a former Lord Mayor of Marbella in the
>Andalucia region of Spain. I have a very sensitive brief from
>him in investing his fund over 100,000,000.00 Euros in a
>private business I will give the details as soon as i hear from
>you,this is a legitimate transaction we will discuss on
>how much you will earn as your consultation fees as soon
>as i hear from you.
>
>please write back via email and provide me with your
>telephne and fax numbers.
>
>Please keep this close to your chest.
>
>I look Forward to it.
>
>Regards,
>
>Steve

Taunt begins:

Yo Steve. In the subject you tell me to acknowledge receipt. You're email is now in my spam humor blog, which has billions of readers (that number is factoring in spamflation, which is of course how you reached the number of your friend having 100 million Euros).

So you heard from the Lord Mayor of Marbella, huh? What happened to all your investment schemes with the King of Nigeria? Did you two have a fight? I tell you, in my scams, I only deal with Kings or Presidents or Darth Vader. Lord Mayors of small cities just don't cut it in the spam world.

In your sensitive brief, you say he's thinking of investing 100 million euros. So someone with that much money is thinking of making an investment with a stranger on the internet. You'd think that kind of money would buy some access to a bank clerk or something?

Yes, I have my doubts, but then you tell me this is a legitimate transaction. Whew, for a second there I thought you were going to say this is a legitimate scam. But finally, you tell me to keep this close to my chest. Thanks, pal, I'm going to keep this so close to my chest, I'm not even going to tell you about it.

Ha!

Renaissance Spam

2007-05-11T11:40:00.000-04:00

At Message Partners, our platform is something of a renaissance for System Administrators, as our all-in-one email security solution also includes many essential email tools , so instead of spending countless hours scripting and patching various email tools, with our Message Processing Platform, all the tools are already at your fingertips. With that in mind, what would spam look like during the renaissance? It follows:

To: LeSteve@firemail.com
We have finally figured out how to realistically depict the human figure. You know what that means! Get your female nudes by clicking here.

To: Deanardo@universewideweb.com
Subject: Important New Discovery
Did you know they have proven that the Earth revolves around the sun. You had better purchase our patented Earth Fastener to keep you fastened to the earth and stop you from getting tossed into the cosmos.

To: MarkusArelious@HaYoo.com
Subject: Printing Press
We just invented the printing press. What is a printing press, you ask? We can press the wrinkles out of your pants, your shirts, even your undergarments. Click here.

To: MonaSuzanne@Geemail.com
Subject: Your Career
Not rising fast enough in your job? Do you feel like you have all the skills to be at the top, but the bosses keep holding you back. Come to Machiavelli.com, where we have some very new and interesting ideas on how to get ahead.

To: John1@Popespace.com
Subject: The Age of Reason
Did you know it's the age of reason? What more reason do you need to click here.

To: Leonardo@sunking.com
Subject: The Plague
Stevenson the Barber, who also specializes in bloodletting and amputation, has found the best way to avoid the Black Plague is to wear black stockings over your head. Sure, you'll look silly, but at least you'll be alive. Buy them here.

To: Bobalengelo@Nosebook.com
Subject: Mona Lisa Gone Wild
Ever wonder what Mona Lisa does when she goes out? Get your very accurate drawings of Mona Lisa out partying with Leo Da Vinci and his crew right here.

Invisible Man Spam

2007-05-09T10:32:00.001-04:00

This week, at Message Partners, the PC World in Hungary tested MPP against the competition, and our spam accuracy was an astounding 99.35 percent (the others scored only in the 89 to 91 percentile). That just goes to show you that a layered approach to stopping spam is by far the best.

What follows is what I think spam would look like for the Invisible Man.

To:
Subject:

So just click here.
Note: Above is an example of invisible spam for the invisible man.

To: NowYouDon't@hotmail.com
Subject: Gain More Visibility
Did you know that invisible people are the most likely to be passed over at work. Then come to our website and learn how to make yourself known in your office today.

To: SexyUnseen@Whodat.com
Subject: Dating for the Invisible
Click here and visit the number one dating site for invisible people. And while it not might matter how tall you are, or how big your nose is, or what size dress you might wear, the rule still applies: no Body Odor!

To: Yoyoyo@gmail.com
Subject: Expose Yourself
As an invisible, do you feel like the whole webcam thing has passed you by. Well click here, and we have infrared cameras that can pick up your heat image and project it to the world.

To: Danforth@yahoo.com
Subject: Get Bigger
A recent study says that invisible people must have sex organs 25% larger to impress the opposite sex. So click right here and we'll get you bigger quick.

To: DaringDarren@gmail.com
Subject: I Know It Was You
Last night, right before I fell asleep, I suddenly had the sensation that someone was making mad passionate love to me. And as you're the only invisible client I've ever entertained, who else could it be? And if it was you, and I have ways of finding out, Darren, then you owe me 200 dollars.

Spiderman Spam

2007-05-04T15:36:00.000-04:00

As Message Partners, one of the leading providers of email security for Service Providers, we keep a close watch on spam. And with the worldwide release of Spiderman 3 today, we were wondering Spiderman spam would look like. It follows:

To:Spidey@webmail.com
Subject: Your Spider Sense
Want us to make your spider sense really tingle? Then click right here.

To: Webster@empirestatebuilding.com
Subject: Ring Tones
Sure you've got the form fitting spidey suit, and you can stick to the wall and shoot webs. But if don't have the spiderman theme song on your cell phone, you're nothing. Click right here.

To: WebsRUs@superherodiscussion.com
Subject: Webbies
You, yes you, Spiderman, have been chosen for a Webbie award. Now these awards have nothing to do with the world wide web, and everything to do with arachnids. To collect your award, just send us 1 million dollars.

To: stucko@spdrm.com
Subject: Bug of the Month
Yes, you're a man, but you're also part spider, and don't you admit sometimes bugs looks awfully tasty. Well join our bug of the month club, and we'll send you a big juicy new bug in the month every month for your devouring pleasure.

To: BiggerStarThanSuperman@spiderman.com
Subject: Neighborhood Information Service
Superheros can't be everywhere at once, right? So hire us, and we'll be your eye-in-the-sky. Hire us, and we'll give you neighborhood crime statistics, and better yet, we'll even tell you who's been buying extra large insecticide in your area. You don't want to get sprayed with Raid, do you?

Spam for Spammers

2007-04-30T13:59:00.000-04:00

At Message Partners, we have really started to wonder that, in a just world, what kind of spam spammers should receive. It follows:

To: SpamBobSquarePants@Useless.com
Subject: Spam Across America
While Hands Across America wasn't the biggest success (wasn't there just one guy holding his arms in North Dakota?), there are many more spams then there are people. So let's spam across America and show them that spammers are people to.

To:Spammy@MillionMail.com
Subject: Spam Camp
Do you love the smell of spam in the morning? Do you refuse to eat breakfast until until you've sent your first million emails? Then come to spam camp located in the beautiful castle of the King of Nigeria. Send us a million dollars and we'll enroll you right now.

To: PamSpamCam@spam.com
Subject: Spam Cam
See Pam Spam. Pam can Spam, yes she can. Watch Pam spam from Iran to Kazakhstan. Watch Pam spam rich man poor man. Pam don't give a damn who she spam. All she cares is that she can. Pam can spam, she sure can, and she won't even stop for her man Stan and their boy Bam Bam.

To: DarthSpammer@spamwars.com
Subject: Spam Your Mom
Are you tired of sending out ten million spam and getting no response. Well we have a simple solution. Spam Your Mom! Hey, at least she'll open your emails, and she is your mom, so you know she has had sex.

To: Dan@SpamSavesLive
Subject: Just the pill for you
Are you sick of shilling pills that cure everything under the sun but actually do nothing at all. Then click here and buy our pills. They don't do nothing at all.

Spam in Hell

2007-04-23T11:15:00.000-04:00

At Message Partners, sometimes it seems we get so much spam that we're already in hell, but yet, exactly what would spam look like in hell? My thoughts follow below:

To: Adolph@damnation.com
Subject: Grow Hair
Does your little mustache keep burning off in the fires of hell and no one even recognizes you? Then click right here and we'll make it grow back darker and more ominous than ever.

To: Vic@hellsucks.com
Subject: Nigerian Free Pass
Hello friend. I am a Nigerian sorcerer, and I want you to know that I was doing some voodoo the other day, and somehow I came across a get-out-of-hell free card that I would be more than happy to give to you for a small fee. So, before you spend another eternity in that hellish place, please respond immediately. And even though you're keyboards in hell don't have any letters, and you have to press down on razorblades to type, please write me a million word essay on why you might be interested.

To: Newbie@hell.com
Subject: Get Smaller
Did you get the free increase your pecker pills that we sent. They work, don't they. Too well. Guess you didn't realize have a bigger one just meant you've got more sensitive flesh to burn. So if you click right now, we'll give you pills to radidly decrease your size, all for the low price of 1 dollar. Oh, that's right, you don't have any money in hell.

That's all I got for now, but I'm sure I'll return to this subject sometime soon.

Spam in Music

2007-04-20T15:01:00.000-04:00

I don't know if a lot of people know this, but the founder of Message Partners, Mike Katz, actually has a musical background, so it was only inevitable that the following spam funnies, Spam in Music, appeared. It follows:

Spam in Music

SpamWay to Heaven
Spam on the Run (that's what MPP does, at least)
Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Spam
Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady (if you just click here)
All I Need is a Miracle (which you can have by going to this website)
Spam a Gong (Get it On)
Everybody Spams
Don't Spam So Close To Me
Don't Worry Be Spammy
Dude (Looks Like a Lady) (A spam ready title, if you ask me)
Everybody Wants To Rule the World (and for a small payment of 2,000 dollars, you can)
I Got You Spam

That's enough for now, maybe forever, but then again, the spam just keeps on coming...Have a great weekend, all.

Star Wars Spam

2007-04-18T09:45:00.000-04:00

A long time ago, in a galaxy not all that far away, Message Partners recognized the need for companies and service providers to easily control spam. So we built MPP. What follows is my imagining what spam would look like in the world of Star Wars.

To: Skywalker@beststar.com
Subject: Who's Your Daddy?
Don't let some guy in a mask tell you he's your father. Click here and find out for sure with our guaranteed genetic testing. The test can also tell you if you are Wookie, Hutt, Ewok, or even Rhodesian Ridgeback.

To: Luuuuuke@hotsunmail.com
Subject: Ring-tones for your 3POs.
Does your C3PO still talk in whistles and beeps? Wouldn't you rather hear it converse with an Eddie Van Halen screaming guitar lick, or an Entwistle bass solo. Click here and download our ring-tones.

To: Darth@MaskBook.com
Subject: Porntroopers
Really think the Stormtroopers are all business all the time? Check out this video of what those men in white do when they're not getting shot to pieces.

To: Yoda@LittleandGreen.com
Subject: Bigger and Better Force
Does your Force not always come when you call on it. Some days, does it feel like your Force couldn't lift a #2 pencil. Well with these pills, your force will be the biggest and strongest in the known universe.

To: PrincessLeia@EarMuffins.com
Subject: Ear Warmers
Are you still wearing ridiculously outdated hair styles just to keep your ears warm. Well with our patented ear warmers, keep your ears warm, and stop looking totally ridiculous.

Taunting Spam XII

2007-04-16T14:20:00.000-04:00

I must admit, at Message Partners, we have gotten very successful at stopping spam cold. Is it because of the taunting, you might wonder? I can't say, but all I know for sure is that it sure is fun.

So I received the following spam:

Subject: �G��h��XSEX��m��I�o�T��v��

****************************************************
��T�C�g��20��`50��W��l��E�n��
��W��{��s��R�~��j�e�B�[�T�C�g��B
****************************************************

�s��p��t-------------------------------

�T�@��p��j��s��]��B

Taunt begins:

��NO��THANK��YOU��?��

�I��PREFER��MY��WOMAN��

��NOT��TO��HAVE��

��SO��MANY��DAMN��QUESTIONS��

You Might Be a Spammer If...

2007-04-04T19:46:00.000-04:00

In deference to Jeff Foxworthy, and his funny series of "You Might Be a Redneck" jokes, I am starting a new series, all about spammers. So, without further ado...

You Might Be a Spammer If...

You feel perfectly fine, but still wonder if there's a pill you can take.

You've lost tons of money on a stock that is only falling further, but you tell your friends to buy the stock in the hope it goes up a little before you dump it.

Someone tells you to "Stop it," but you hear "a million times more."

You sweep floors at the local High School, but tell everyone you were the King of Siam even though you don't know were Siam is and don't even speak Siamian.

You take Viagra just for watching a PG-13 film.

You're sure you misplaced a million dollars somewhere, and if only someone would give you a few thousand dollars you might be able to locate it.

You wish they made Valentine's Day Cards that said: I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week. So how about it big boy???

You are envious of autistic people because they get to say and do whatever they want.

Taunting Spam XI

2007-04-02T12:41:00.000-04:00

At Message Partners, we take the fight against spam and phishing to the next level: we taunt it again and again and again. But, truth be told, spam doesn't really seem to care, so maybe we just do it for ourselves. But that's OK too.

I received the following spam:

Subject: VERY VERY URGENT

DEAR KHUN
PLEASE HANDLE IT' SECRET
MY NAME IS MRS.NOI TAKSIN SHINAWATRA THE WIFE OF FORMER PRIME MINISTER OF THAILAND.WHO HAVE JUST BIENG OVERTHROWN ON POWER BY THE THAILAND MILITARY GOVERNMENT ON THE [19TH OF SEPTEMBER 2006.] RIGHT NOW WE ARE ON EXILE CURRENTLY IN LONDON, WITH MY HUSBAND. I AM CONTACTING YOU TO ASSIST ME FOR SECURING AND INVEST. I' HAVE THIS HUG OF MONEY IN MY CUSTODY WHICH I WANT YOU TO INVEST IT' FORME WITHOUT MY HUSBAND CONCERNCE WITH A TOTAL SUM OF [USD$21,000.000] [TWENTY ONE MILLION DOLLARS]. SECONDLY AS A POTENTIALOF YOUR COUNTRY,WHICH GUARRANTEES US GOOD RETURNS AND HUMAN SECURITY AS A RESULT OF THE SOURCE OF THE FUND,I HEREBY BELIEVING THAT YOUR ASSISTANCE WILL BE PROFITABLE TO BOTH OF US.I WILL APPRECIATE YOUR WILLINESS TO CARRY OUT THIS TRANSATIONS THE GRATIFICATION REMARK I DETERMINDED AS I SOON AS I HEAR FROM YOU.I HAVE MAPED OUT 10%,FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE AND THAT MIGHT ARISE ON THE PROCESS OF SAFEGUIDIND ME AND THE MONEYWITH OUT EXPOSING ME I WAITE FOR YOUR
URGENT REPLY. SO THAT I CAN UP-DATE YOU WITH INFORMATION AND FEEL FREE TO ASK IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTION CONTACT ME ON MY PRIVATE MAIL

YOURS SINCERELY

Taunt begins: Wow. There is just so much wrong with your letter, I simply don't know where my taunt should begin. Let me just say, though, the very very urgent really got my attention. Had it just been very urgent, well, that's just not enough. In terms of spam inflation, very very is just the minimum amount of urgency.

So you have a "hug" of money. I keep look over the statement, trying to see what might have been misspelled, but I can't think of it. If you meant to say "huge," then you would have wanted to have written huge amount of money. So I think you mean hug of money. Does that mean you have the money in a teddy-bear, which you hug when you go to sleep? Hug if I know.

And why does spam always insist on secrecy? Is that something they teach you at spam-college in Nigeria? Well I think Spam U should change their curriculum myself. And damn, tell them to reintroduce spelling. And grammar. But then again, if you knew that, you'd have the skills to get a real job, so I guess if you're really going to be the King of Spam you have to be something of an Idiot Spamvante.

Ha. Made myself laugh there. That'll do, spam. Now go back to your cave.

Caveman Spam

2007-03-30T10:03:00.000-04:00

At Message Partners, we're always looking for fresh insight into ways of stopping spam. So this time, we decided to go back, go way back, to a time when spam was not even a canned meat product.

To: Igor
Subject: Pro-magnum man
Click here, and in one week you'll go from a cromagnum man to promagnum man. Although, as cromagnum man, you probably can't even read this.

To: Ungh
Subject: Make Bigger Forehead
The folks at Early Man Pharmacy have just the pill for you to make your forehead even more protruding. Because let's face it, chicks dig the protruding brow.

To: Nyak
Subject: Better Wheels
Lose the square wheels, Nyak, and join the revolution. Octagonal wheels are faster as square wheels, better for your back, and statistically subject to less accidents and pile-ups.

To: Krut
Subject: Ur Cave
Tired of eating and sleeping and getting eaten on the open savanna? Need a bigger cave? Need an extra love-cave? At Caves 'R Ut, we have just the cave for you.

Taunting Spam X

2007-03-28T14:23:00.000-04:00

So, this is the tenth edition of my vaunted Taunting Spam, and as evidenced by recent reports, and what I can tell in the spam trenches with my company Message Partners, spam is still on the rise. If this keeps up, I'm going to have to start taunting myself.

So I received the following spam:

Subject: STATUS OF YOUR FUNDS
From: Dr joshua - natbank_plc021@eyou.com

Dear Friend,
This is to notify you about the status of your funds right now in our desk. After due vetting and evaluation of your contract file, which The Ministry of Finance of Federal Republic of Nigeria forwarded and contracted us to see to your immediate payment.
From our findings, you have been going through hard ways by paying a lot of charges to see to the release of your fund, which has been delayed. Please, from now henceforth stop further communication with any correspondence from Nigeria.
Will you follow our directives, your funds will reflect in your account within seven working days from the date we receive it. Do not respond to any correspondence again but only to this Bank, if you're the real beneficiary.
Direct all message email address ID: natwestbank_plc_23@myway.com
Congratulations in advance.
Dr. Joshua Larry
Payment Coordinator

Taunt begins: First of all, Dr. Larry, that has to be the oddest, most convoluted email address I've ever seen from anyone. I mean, here you are, trying to sound like a bank, so you stick some bank name on front of some EYou.com website. I mean, even PYou would be more memorable. And then the bank name (which should usually be the .com part), you have to use _plc021. Are you running that many cons, Doc?

And now the spam mail. I guess this is where everything is headed; no longer are you promising me riches from a deposed king in exile, but you're now warning me about those Nigerian scams so you can then scam me. This is just like those phishing emails that tell me that my account has been breached.

I'm glad this doesn't happen in the real world. Imagine, you go to hospital for a liver transplant, only to have them steal your liver. Wouldn't that suck, Dr. Larry? By the way, Doc, as you're probably not really a doctor, the liver is located in the body and is something you really really need.

And then you notify me about the status of my funds in your desk. Your desk, huh? You work at a bank, but yet you still keep the big bucks in the desk. I get it, so a band of bank robbers show up, and they demand to open the big safe, but they'll never think of looking in your desk drawer.

I could go on, and you know what, I will. Then the email address I'm supposed to correspond with...it only corresponds with the issuers email address in having an absolutely ridiculous and convoluted name. So you're at MyWay.com.

Well, Doc, as they say, it's my way, or the information superhighway, and I think I'll look elsewhere for my easy money. If you would like to correspond with me further, please write me at PresidentPete_42388@PissOff.com

Superman Spam

2007-03-23T10:00:00.000-04:00

While we don't have any superhero clients at Message Partners, we feel that it's particularly important to keep their email in-boxes spam free just so they have more time to save the world. That said, here's what I think Superman spam would look like.

To: BlueTightBuddy@Superduper.com
Subject: Got Kryptonite in Your Boxer-Briefs???
While most average girls probably think you're the bomb, Wonder Women is probably wondering why you can't go as long as the Hulk. Click here to stop being a Clark Can't and become a better superlover.

To: S_Chest@Flyboy.com
Subject: Crowded Skies
Is the nation's crowded air traffic getting you down? Getting tired of have to make way for every little Cessna and corporate jet in the crowded skies. Click here, and double the brightness of your tights and cape so pilots see you before you have to pick them out of your ass.

To: ClarkK@MetroNews
Subject: Secret Identity
This is the internet, where rumors abound and secret identities have a way of leaking out. So come visit SecretIdentities.com, and see who they're saying Batman and Superman's real identity is this week.

To: Superman@UpInTheSky.com
Subject: Slower Than a Speeding Bullet
Are you tired of hearing that your faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive and all that crap. Sure, that was forty years ago, when bullets didn't go nearly so fast. Need a SuperBoost. Click here and try out our energy drink.

Taunting Spam IX

2007-03-19T13:06:00.000-04:00

I have to say, the email security company that I work for, Message Partners, does a damn fine job of stopping this newest wave of criminal spam...so, when some spam does make it through, it's really got to have a special something to beat the different spam filters that MPP runs simultaneously (in fact, we run three different filters with MPP, two open source, one enterprise, which, now that I think of it, is sort of like the American Idol selection process). And if a spam does manage to break through, well, then we subject it to merciless taunting and name calling. And away we go...

I received the following spam:

Subject: tripartit gossi extrinsi

Hi,

Vl qw AGRA from $3, 33
ClALl wu S from $3, 75
VALlU oh M from $1, 20

Taunt begins:

There's just something about those three words in the subject line that trips me up. I mean the "tripartit gossi extrinsi" bit. It looks vaguely Italian, or what Italian would sound like zipping around Rome on a motorbike at midnight in a rainstorm. But now that I say that, I suddenly imagine myself in Italy, and I've arrived in Rome late at night and I'm trying to find lodging, and everything is closed, and I jump on the wrong bus, and I don't have any Italian currency (this part actually happened to me in Genoa) and I don't know where to go, and I don't know what to say, and nobody can speak English, and all I can repeate, over and over again is "tripartit gossi extrinsi!!!"

So thanks spam, thanks for that Italian nonsense phrase. Now let's analyze the message...you seem to be one of the more focused of the spam pill peddlers. You sell Viagra, Cialis, and Valium, which really makes me wonder what weekends are like at your place.

I certainly wouldn't let you babysit my kids. Hell, with that pill collection, I wouldn't even let you walk my dog.

Spam During the American Revolution

2007-03-16T12:25:00.000-04:00

At Message Partners, we are very aware of the not-so-long-history of spam. But what if spam had existed through the centuries. For example, what if there were spam during the revolutionary war. A few examples follow:

To: Jeremiah@earlyamerican.com
Subject: 1 if by land, 2 if by sea, 3 if by Suzie
Yes, 3 if by Suzie, so click right here and Suzie will make you forget there is a war going on at all.

To: Bostonian@anti-redcoat.com
Subject: Got Tea?
Heard you had a little tea party over taxes. Go to taxfreetea.com, and forget about paying those high British taxes altogether.

To: NewYorkMan@NewYorker.com
Subject: Beads for Bucks
You know they bought Manhattan for 24 dollars worth of beads? You know what that means? If you plan on being a landowner today, you need beads, not useless currency, so get your beads here, and buy up the whole East Coast.

To: MyFellowAmerican@englandsucks.com
Subject: Redcoat Antics
Download the first video and watch a drunken redcoat forget which end of the musket fires out from. The second video, we prank a redcoat into thinking he has a letter from the king telling him to surrender. It's hilarious, and watch it to the end when he realizes he's being pranked.

James Bond Spam

2007-03-14T10:56:00.000-04:00

At Message Partners, in a recent lull in the spam battles, the boss and I brainstormed on what James Bond's spam in-box might look like. It follows.

To: double0seven@hotmail.com
re: Bullet-proof your girlfriend
Do your lady friend have a habit of dying off. Well with this easy spray, a quick spray of the loved ones in your life will make them bullet-proof for up to five hours. The spray is neither water proof or flame-thrower proof.

To: BondJamesBond@Gmail.com
re: Permanent Name Tags
Are you tired of saying your name over and over again. Just click right here and get these new, near permanent name tags that proudly says your name right on your fashionable lapel. Name tags are not bullet-proof, water-proof, flame-thrower proof...

To: OhJames@MI6.com
re: Tired of Lasting All Night
Tired of totally satisfying your lady friends and looking for a good night's sleep. Well take these pills and be a total dud in bed.

To: ShakenNotStired@PartySpies.com
re: Build Your Own Volcano
Want to take over the world, but can't find the right lair to plot your world domination in? Click here and with these easy-to-follow instructions, and a few million dollars, we will help you find and build the perfect volcano to bring the world to its knees.

Taunting Spam VIII

2007-03-12T13:09:00.000-04:00

At Message Partners, we work and we work to stamp out spam, but still the odd one or two squeak through our multi-layered defenses, only then to be subject to my teasing and ridicule. I almost feel sorry for the spam. Almost.

So I received the following spam:

re: Verification procedure. Please read it carefully !!

Safeguarding your Privacy

Dear Customer, this is the last notification.
Please read it carefully.

- Due to recent account takeovers and unauthorized listings, Capital One is requesting a new account verification procedure. From time to time, randomly selected accounts are placed under an advanced updating process based on merchant accounts/bank relations and on-file credit cards.
Capital One may also request in an email message scanned/faxed copies of one or more photo ID's. Your account confirmation may go wrong if your credit card/bank account has expired, or if you have changed/replaced your credit card without letting us know about the change.

* Your account is not suspended, but if in 36 hours after you receive this message your account is not confirmed we reserve the right to terminate your Capital One subscription.

- If you received this notice and you are not an authorized Capital One account holder, please be aware that it is in violation of Capital One policy to represent oneself as an Capital One user. Such action may also be in violation of local, national, and/or international law.

Remember: We won't require your ATM PIN number for this operation !!

To begin unlocking your Capital One account please click the link below:

(Capital One will never ask for your ATM/PIN)
If we don't receive your account verification within 36 hours from you, we will further lock down your account untill we will be able to contact you by e-mail or phone.

Taunt Begins:

You know, I was all ready to ignore your phishing email until, well, until the very beginning, when you just had to say READ CAREFULLY.

Do you really want my carefully scrutiny, Mr. Phisherman.

First of all, while I've seen a Capital One commercial or two, I do not have a Capital One account. Perhaps you should have said, if you do not have a capital account, please get one, then assume that it has been compromised, then give us all your financial information. That would be sort of like preemptive phishing, a whole new genre.

Then you say you may request copies of picture IDs and all, only to mention, You're account verification may go wrong if anything is out-of-date. Don't you mean that your phishing scam MAY GO WRONG if anything is out-of-date. I mean, geez, I'm just reading carefully here.

And thank god you won't require my pin number for this operation. Usually only Doctors ask for that, and that's when the operation is really major.

And you also say it is a VIOLATION of policy to represent oneself as a Capital One user. But yet you have no problem at all falsely representing yourself as Capital One. I mean, jeesh, talking about the pot calling the kettle stupid.

Star Trek Spam

2007-03-07T08:06:00.000-05:00

Back from a business trip to Poland, back to being obsessed about spam and its demise for my company, Message Partners, and was wondering, what would spam look like for the members of the Starship Enterprise?

To: Spock@StarshipEnterprise.gov
Re: Get Bigger Ears Here
Ears not big and pointy enough? Or, do your ears droop at the end of the day. Click here and get the biggest, pointiest ears of any Vulcan. It's just logical.

To:CaptainKirk@StarshipEnterprise.gov
Re: Don't be a Captain Jerk
Hey, Captain. Do you get lonely after those Klingon battles? Do you want to boldly go where, well, OK, well a few men have gone before? So click right here, big boy.

To:CleaningCrew@StarshipEnterprise.gov
Re: No More Trouble With Tribbles
Just click here to learn about our revolutionary cleaning products that will guarantee that you will have no more trouble with tribbles or your money back.

To:Sulu@StarshipEnterprise.gov
Re: Make Billions
Please sir, I am the accountant of the Kingdom of Gloer in Deep Space 11, and if you could just send me twenty million kregors, I could just get hold of these funds and would be most willing to split them with you.

That's all I got for today, but I'm sure I'll come back to this subject.

Taunting Spam VII

2007-02-28T09:40:00.000-05:00

You know, usually I do the Taunting Spam on Mondays, but instead, I wrote something else, but then, at Message Partners, I noticed a definite uptick in spam the past couple of days, which means Taunting Spam certainly must be working in the battle against these mindless e-hucksters. As I'm sure you are all aware, only the most powerful forces in the Universe can stand up to terrible taunting I unrelentingly deliver in this blog.

So I received the following spam email:

WINNING NOTIFICATION FROM TOYOTA PROMOTION. -[Sat, 17 Feb 2007 00:50:24 +0000]

TOYOTA INTERNATIONAL LOTTO (HEADQUATER)
Customer Service Department Affiliate of Toyota Japan
#28 Kanashiwa road Tokyo JP

We are pleased to inform you of the announcement made today, You are among the winners of the TOYOTA CAR INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION PROGRAM

You have therefore been approved for the payment of the sum of US$500,000,00 in cash, including a Toyota car which is the winning present /amount for the Second category winners. This is from the total prize money of US$2,650,000.00 shared among the international winners in the Second category. CONGRATULATIONS!

To begin your claim, please call your claim agent below or send email immediately.

DR.WILLIAM BANDA
EMAIL: willyban_da@yahoo.co.uk

Taunt Begins:

Oh my. You know, I wasn't born yesterday, Dr. William Banda (where'd you get your medical degree, some online degree-mill?), but I can see right through this oh-so-obvious scam.

I am onto your clever wording ways, Dr. Banda. I can see right through where you write "payment of the sum of US$500,000 in cash." (I'll neglect to mention the strange ",00" or the UK email address, or all the other things wrong with your ridiculous email for taunting's sake.) I know when you say I've won a sum of 500 grand, that that really means, when I send you all my info, and fly out to Toyota-land, you'll present me with a shiny new quarter and say, Here you go, here's some of 500 grand.

But what about the Toyota? Well that's the oldest trick in the book. After I pocked the shiny quarter, the drum-roll will start, 2 beautiful models will step out on the stage and wave their hands around, and the silver curtain will slowly drop to reveal...a Toy Yoda.

Yep, I'm on to you, Doctor Banda. But one thing, though, I've had this ache in my knee, you think you could take a look at it?

More: Spam in the Movies

2007-02-26T09:54:00.000-05:00

Was working last night, doing some last minute stuff for Message Partners before I go off on some business traveling later this week, and while I was working I had the Oscars on.

Which made me think I ought to do another Spam in the Movies entry:

Spam by Me
Spamma, Spamma, Spamma
White Men Can't Jump (unless they buy these new jumping pills)
Dr. Strangelove (sounds like pure spam already)
Spam Like it Hot
Spammie Does Dallas
Spammie Hall
Miracle on 34th St. (which you can have too if you just click here)
Spam Pam
S for Spammetta
2007: A Spam Odyssey
To Have and Have Not (click here and be a Have)

Last and pretty much least...

Butch Cassidy and the SpamDance Kid.

Future Spam

2007-02-23T11:06:00.000-05:00

At Message Partners, we fight the good fight to keep email safe and efficient for everyone. Lately, much of our work entails fighting spam, and when you spend a lot of time in hand-to-hand combat with spam, you develop something of a relationship with it. In the end, it's not that I like thinking about spam, it's more like I'm obsessed with it.

What follows are what I think spam is going to look like in the not so distant future...

To: You
Subject: Make it smaller
Have you taken too many enhancement pills, and now you need a third trouser leg sewn into your pants. These pills guarantee to make it smaller and more manageable.

To: FutureYou
Subject: Robot Reboot Camp
Has your personal robot gotten a less attentive? When you ask it to bring your slippers, does it sometimes take too long, or instead bring you the wrong pair. At robot reboot camp, your robot will get up-to-the-second training on taking the utmost care of their master.

To: You
Subject: Time Travel HPS
Now that time travel is as easy as microwaving last-nights lasagna, traveling all over history can get awfully confusing. But with HPS, or History Positioning System, whatever time or place you choose to be in, the HPS will tell you what year it is, what time it is, who all the various world leaders are, what major conflicts are being fought, the price of some major stock indexes, in effect all the information you need to truly excel at time travel.

That's all I can think of today, but I assure you, I'll dream up some more soon. Have yourself a great and spam-free weekend.

Taunting Spam VI

2007-02-21T12:03:00.000-05:00

As things shift to and fro in the great spam battle, I can only think that the work I do for Message Partners, the number one spam blocker for ISPs, and this blog, and the taunting of spam, is a big contributor.

So I received the following spam in my inbox.

To: Me
From: kristina@bestladies4u.com

Lets start new relations!

I am kristina. I am from Saint-Petersburg, Russia. I am young cheerful
creative lady who wants to make happy not only myself but all people
who are around me - my friends and my family. Will you join my circle?
I will be waiting for you reply to: kristina@bestladies4u.com

Begin Taunt:

Hey Kristina, what's going on? So, by your email address, you call yourself best ladies for you. You know who used to use that style of writing quite often: Prince. Back before the internet, and it became common, Prince always wrote 4 instead of for, which makes me think maybe you should call yourself the best girl for Prince.

St. Petersburg...did you know my name is Peter? Which makes me wonder, if my name was Jeeves, would you be from St. Jeevesburg. You see, that's what spam does to a person, it makes them doubt everything.

And you say you are a young cheerful creative lady who wants to make happy not only myself but all people who are around me. I've met a few like you, and the problem is, when they're happy, they make everyone happy, but when they've sad, or mad, or just plain peevish, they have to make sure everyone around them is in a bad mood.

So you know what Kristina, I don't think I want to join your circle, your square, and especially your botnet.

Spam Throughout History

2007-02-16T09:39:00.000-05:00

Fighting spam has become such a major part of my life nowadays that I almost can't imagine life without it. And the way spam is shifting and changing and evolving, I simply cannot imagine a future without spam.

With that in mind, I thought, what would be our past with spam...I mean, as we head into President's Day, what would it be like if some of our most historical Presidents got spam.

The first one was contributed by my boss at Message Partners, Mike Katz, who I just have to say, truly is the mastermind behind our rocking-ass email platform that he pretty much conceived and built from scratch and that service providers are starting to realize that, yes, they really do need something this advanced and powerful.

So here it is, Presidential Spam:

--------------------------------------------
To: PresidentGeorgeWashington@RevolutionaryAmerica.com
Subject: Last The Whole Revolution

Yo Pres. Don't be a minuteman, click here and order so you can rock the White House.

--------------------------------------------
To: AbrahamLincoln@WhiteHouse.com
Subject: Don't be a slave to low-funds

I know you are President of your country, but I was once the King of a small European country that you've probably never heard of. And I have a large fortune that, if only you can send me 5 thousand dollars so I can access it, we will split it. Honest, Abe.

Well, that's it for now. Hope you all have a splendid three-day Presidential holiday.

Spam in the Movies

2007-02-14T10:33:00.000-05:00

At Message Partners, our MPP email security solution is doing so well at beating back the zombie horde of spam, that yesterday we had time to sit around and think up movie titles for the era of spam.

So here they go:

A Fistful of Spam
The Spamfather
Spamfellow
Spam Wars: Episode V: MPP Strikes Back (sorry, just had to throw in a plug)
The Usual Spammers
Spamalittle
The Silence of Unopened Spam
The Third Spam
The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (which will be all yours if you send us money)
Spamming Private Ryan
Singing in the Spam
Some Like It Hot (click here if you want to last all night long)
2001: A Spam Odyssey
Spamadeus

and finally...

Cool Spam Luke

All right, that's enough of that.

Taunting Email

2007-02-12T14:26:00.000-05:00

At Message Partners, one of the top ISP email security solutions, we use everything in our arsenal to beat back spam and keep it out of your inbox. We use pre and post-queue filtering, we use pattern matching, we even use taunting. Yes, that's right, we taunt spam; just in case spam one day gets its feelings hurt and decides to leave us all alone.

I received the following message:

GOOGLE EMAIL LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL
WORLD INTERNET LOTTO CENTRE
EASTERN AVE 6528
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION / PRIZE AWARD DEPT.
PROMOTING INTERNET USAGE OVER THE GLOBE
( WE ENCOURAGE GLOBALIZATION)

Dear Winner,

Congratulations to you as we bring to your notice the result of GOOGLE LOTTERY 2007 promotion. We are happy to inform you that your email address have emerged a winner of One Million (1,000,000.00) Euros. Your fund is now deposited with the paying Bank. In your best interest to avoid mix up of numbers and names of any kind, we request that you keep the entire details of your award strictly from public notice until the process of transferring your claims has been completed, and your funds remitted to your account. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming or unscrupulous acts by participants / non participants of this program.

NOTE: to file for your claim, please contact the claim department below on email.
***********************************************
Mr. George Paniou.
Trust Claims Agency
Address:Thinos 73, 10722 Athens Greece.
Tel.:+30-694-092-9118
Email :trustclaim@aim.com
**********************************************

Begin taunt:

Wow, George, so I've won another lottery. You must know, as you claim to be Google, that I get a lot of lottery notices that turn out to be not so true. I mean, if I had a nickel for every email that told me I was a lottery winner, I'd have more money than a lottery winner.

But I digress, as I'm a lottery winner, and I should be clearly leaping about in ecstasy at winning 1 million Euros. Wait, why Euros? I thought Google was a good-old American company. I mean, Europe is nice, and it gave us civilization, but wouldn't Google want to maximize the local goodwill by having a local million dollar lottery? I mean, the kind of money they have, they could probably afford a Billion dollar lottery.

And then you tell me that although I've won, I'd better keep it quiet. Wow, so that's one of the super-secret lotteries. And here I thought a company lottery would be to get attention, to get press, but no, this one's a secret. That's one funny lottery, George.

Then there's the clincher, George. You tell me it's the Google lottery, but then your reply email address has nothing to do with Google. Come on, George, if you're going to be a decent cyber-criminal, at least learn to load the gun and fill-up the getaway car.

It's not like I was born yesterday. As a matter of fact, I just got an email that tells me if I buy these pills I can be born yesterday. I have to go, George.

Don't Get Hooked by Phishing

2007-02-08T12:28:00.000-05:00

In the past couple of weeks, as I check the spam trap we've set up at Message Partners, which is a fake email address that only gets spam, which, because it only gets spam, we can take it, analyze it, and use it as a basis for content analysis to start rejecting other emails outright to legitimate email addresses (which, when used with Postfix, we can now do pre-queue, so the bad email is never even allowed onto the mail server).

So I was looking through our spam trap this morning, and I just could not believe the number of phishing emails. And their new, not so ingenious trick is to warn you that your account has been hijacked and you better respond QUICK.

That's like getting robbed, the cops come and take you away to safety, only to reveal that they also want to rob you (which actually happened to a friend of mine in Brazil). So they scare you, hoping you let your defenses down, click on their link, and they do exactly what they warned had already been done to you.

Let me repeat: never ever NEVER respond to an email requesting account information. If you believe you might be having some trouble with a bank or ecommerce sight, simply log directly onto those sites.

For me, phishing is just an annoyance, but for others, some have lost just about everything.

Taunting Spam V

2007-02-06T12:44:00.000-05:00

Well, another week has gone by, and what do you know, I got more spam. My company, Message Partners, has stopped too many spam mails to count, but I've selected the following one to taunt.

Here's the spam I received:

Walter Edwards
to me

show details
12:02 pm (44 minutes ago)

OEM software - pay for software only and save 75-90%!

Christmas discounts! Special New Year offers!
List of following email prices follow...

Begin taunt:

Walter Walter Walter. You are one of us, you obviously sell software, so you must know what's going on out there in the trenches. You kill one spam, fifty take it's place. And sure, they're mostly innocuous, but haven't you been following the latest news, Walter? What comes in with spam also includes phishing, and phishing is all bad. It's tricky, it's deceptive, and people lose a lot of money from it.

So enough of the emotional taunt, what's up with saying Christmas discounts. New Year offers. What is up with that? Where do you get your spam printed, Walter? What sort of lead time do you have to give them?

Oh, that's right, spam isn't printed, it's just crap repeated over and over again in a storm of email. So haven't you noticed it's February Walter!!! What gives, bro, can't you just change a couple of lines, maybe have a Valentine Software special. Timeliness, Walter, advertising depends on timeliness.

But you're beeper probably just sent off, and you have to go to a pay phone and see who it is and what it's about. Later, Walter, and I don't need any of your software, but do you need some of mine? It does a real good job of keeping out spam, spam just like yours, in fact.

Groundhog Spam Day

2007-02-02T09:57:00.000-05:00

Well, once again, it's Groundhog Spam Day, where, somewhere in Pennsylvania, my antispam company, Message Partners, set up an email account and, on this day, on this morning, checked to see if they've got any spam about Groundhogs.

And so it seems the account did get some groundhog spam, or, more specifically, the spam said, Would your groundhog like to be a better lover and be able to last all winter long.

You know what that means? Another year of spam, so you better keep your antispam engines updated, because spam ain't going away anytime soon.

Big Shift as Phishing Now Outnumbers Email Viruses

2007-01-31T14:28:00.000-05:00

In what is likely to be a landmark month in email, in January of this year phishing now outnumbers viruses as a threat against email. According to experts, in January 2007, 1 in 93 emails (1.07%) was some sort of phishing attack while only 1 in 120 emails (.83%) was found to be infected by a virus.

While this has several explanations, from the fact that viruses are now being picked-up mostly by surfing the web, and the fact that the email attacks carrying malware are much more targeted nowadays, and no longer represent the huge macro-attacks that try to infect every computer in the country. That's because those big malware attacks are easy to combat with blacklisting and content matching programs, so they've gone much smaller, because the longer they remain unknown to the general public the more damage they can do and the more money they can make cybercriminals.

But the main reason for the big shift is the simple fact that phishing has become so highly effective. Phishers are resorting more to Flash content than HTML, which makes it harder for the anti-phishing browsers to pick-out. Also, phishing is also becoming more targeted, and much more likely to include a fake email from the actual bank or ecommerce site a target uses then simply a random guess at a potential match.

It's simply become a fact of life that email is becoming more profitable for criminals, and more dangerous for users. I can't think of any more persuasive argument for email providers to make sure as much of this crime-mail is stopped dead before it ever gets on a company's server and gets that much closer to the users inbox.

That's why my company, Message Partners, has spent years fine-tuning our pre and post-queue filtering capability, with cuts spam and phishing mail off at the pass. You can read all about it here, at Message Partners.

That's it for today, and hey, safe computing everyone.

Taunting Spam IV

2007-01-30T10:11:00.000-05:00

My company, Message Partners, utilizes all the most modern and advanced tools available in the tech arsenal to fight spam, and we also use something totally unique to us: we taunt spam. So I received the following spam email:

Subject: our members get laid. PERIOD

Stop posting profiles on lame dating sites.

People on our site are looking for intimate partners now.

Some naughty, some nice but everyone has fun and gets what they want ;-)

Taunt begins:

Interesting subject line, I must admit, and it did get my interest. So you say your members get laid. You know, some men refer to their Johnsons as their member, so do you mean all of your MEMBERS get laid, or just the people who belong to you oh-so-non-exclusive spammo club?

So you tell me to stop posting my profile on lame dating sites, where with your site, it's just straight to the business at hand, where, in this case, if I'm getting action, well, I don't have to give myself the business with my hand. Ha.

But for all of your promises, sir spam-a-lot, you simply cannot change the true fact of human nature, that, well, that men typically want sex more than women, and are more interested in, well, relationships. So from looking at your site closer, I must only deduce, that if everyone is in fact looking for intimate partners right now, and everyone IS getting what they want, then your site must be all men all the time. PERIOD.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. You should just say you're a gay site and come out of the spam closet, OK?

Doggone Phishing

2007-01-24T17:38:00.000-05:00

Phishing is the practice of sending emails pretending to link to an official internet or banking site when in fact the link is fake the graphics are stolen and it's all just an attempt to con you out of your vital information. And everyone everywhere just keeps sounding the warnings, trying to make people understand that no matter how convincing an email looks, and how dire the situation they tell you your account is in, if you think you're having problem with an online bank or commerce site, go directly to the site by typing the address directly into the address bar at the top of your browser.

For instance, say you get a dire message from eBay, saying someone has hijacked your account and has started putting a big price on some priceless artifacts using your name, DO NOT CLICK on the link provided in the email. Close the browser down, open a new one, and from your home page, simply type EBAY.COM after the WWW in the address bar and click enter.

Only then do you truly know you are at eBay, not eBob, not eRippoff, not eTakeAllYourMoney, but eBay.

There, I said it. Better yet, go to my company, Message Partners, where we have some excellent phish-fighting tools.

Taunting Spam III

2007-01-23T13:38:00.000-05:00

At Message Partners, not only do we use the absolutely most advanced and sophisticated email tools anywhere to fight this new flood of spam, we also utilize another spam fighting tool: we taunt it.

I received the following spam-mail:

Subject: And be medical

existing; it would be difficult, if not impossible, to find a branch both small and great. For the same thing may be small in comparison things, also, which are said to be such and such in virtue of these aquatic, are differentiae of animal; the species of knowledge
qualities. For pallor and duskiness of complexion are called is long; these things cannot in their own right claim the quantitative these are not relatives, and, this being the case, it would be true to be true and the other false, for when he is not yet able to acquire
It may be questioned whether it is true that no substance is first is reciprocally connected, as in the aforesaid instances, when particular branches of knowledge are not thus explained. The knowledge substance than another, for it has already been stated that this is
also, in virtue of that habit, to be thus or thus disposed; but surface, for he would state the area which it covered. Thus the things is predicated of the individual, the genus both of the species and knowledge does not differ from another in being two-footed.
present in body at all. Thus everything except primary substances is existence of the perceptible. For perception implies a body receptive of these qualities, but only in that subject of which the a universal rule that each of a pair of opposites of this type has and all those qualities which are classed as dispositions. However character: for the terms like and unequal bear unequal bear a subjects one of the pair should be present, and that in a It is the mark of substances and of differentiae that, in all

Begin taunt: Please note, I shortened the spam by about half for clarity and concision, but it actually didn't help el spammo get to any point at all.

Wow. What a word stream my spammy friend. Are you some sort of modern day poet? Because when I squint my eyes and read those words really fast, it just about puts me to sleep, just like poetry.

I caught somewhere in your stream something about being two-footed. Yep, that's me, two footed all right. Wait! Do you mean two feet on the end of each leg. Yes, I think you do. Actually, that's not me at all. I only have two feet in total.

Had you been more clear, I really really think I would have bought something from you.

Oh, and I like the subject line. "And be medical." How do you "be medical." Is that like "be physical." You know the song, Let's get physical, physical, physical. So instead I'm singing, Let's be medical, medical, medical.

That really works! And it's fun. You, my friendly spam, are a genius.

Udgrade from AmavisD with MPP

2007-01-19T11:55:00.000-05:00

I’ve been reading several different posts in how to make AmavisD do this or that (mostly how to get rid of the new flood of spam), and while I am not a system administrator, I have to say most of suggestions seemed quite difficult to execute and of questionable efficacy.

While I’ve heard that this complaint often about open source software, it seems to be particularly true of AmavisD. The compliant is, that while it is free, what exactly does free constitute? First, you have to be a system admin with a great deal of time on your hands, as even though you certainly won’t need approval from the CFO to download a free mail server, what do you tell the boss as hour after hour is eaten up by the newest AmavisD patch or fix?

The second complaint, once you start making your own fixes to AmavisD, it essentially becomes one person’s customized system. And what happens when that one person who did all the AmavisD fixes changes jobs. Who’s around to know what specifically was done to that system. This at a time when the pressure on e-mail from both users and — as in viruses and spam and phishing — abusers, continues to grow exponentially.

Inevitably, IT professionals must ask themselves exactly what free means. Because if it’s free upfront, I guarantee you that it will cost, and cost more, in terms of paying for the fixes of highly skilled labor. And as the system gets more and more patched up, it’ll start doing some very quirky things.

The other alternative, of course, is to pay upfront, which might require the clearance of the CFO, but won’t send the labor costs spiraling out of control. And by paying for something like MPP, our email platform, you get both a time-tested system, and someone always ready willing and able to help ASAP.

Also, the great thing about MPP is that it allows you to use both the best of open source and commercial filtering software, as we all now open source does have some great things. Because the whole point of e-mail is its immediacy, and when it goes down and stays down, the system admin will get a visit from the CEO whether they want it or not.

So what do you say, give Message Partners a look/see.

Best Offense is Still a Good Defense

2007-01-18T14:44:00.000-05:00

Today I've been reading survey after survey about the growing deadliness of today's malware (malicious software). As one report succinctly summed it up, today's malware is "stealthier, more complex and harder to identify and defend against."

One of the doors these cybercriminals use to get access to corporate servers is "greyware." The following comes from Wikipedia explaining greyware: Greyware gets into a corporate network when users download legitimate software that includes greyware applications in the installation package. Greyware applications often use ActiveX controls.

Most software programs include an End User License Agreement (EULA), which the user has to accept before downloading. Often the EULA does include information about the additional greyware application and its intended use to collect personal data; however, users often overlook this information or do not understand the legal terminology describing the application.

So you see, usually it's right in the users agreement (I can even imagine how many users agreements I haven't read, as I didn't read them).

So the best way to prevent against this scourge, which in turns adds to the botnet problem, which in turn continues our spam problem, is to keep it off your system.

And you do that by investing in the best virus and spam and phishing filtering software. I ask that you consider Message Partners. Click here.

Taunting Spam II

2007-01-17T12:08:00.000-05:00

I said I would do this every Monday, but this Monday was a holiday, and yesterday was too busy of a day, so I chose today to take spam to task and, in essence, to taunt them. Why? Because it makes me feel just a little bit better.

So I received the following spam in my Message Partners' inbox:

Subject: Bruce willis sylvester stallone?

Bruce willis sylvester stallone?
June divorced staple tabloids due romantic junior!
By spy placed williss? Throttlein bobby featured allstar, cast
husband ashton. Spy placed williss body spawned, honest imitators
again wearing.
These, photos unnoticed until? Lifemoore was roswell new mexico but,
spent much.
About last nightfor time hollywood boxoffice successes including
ghost.

Company: CHINA BIOLIFE ENTERP (Other OTC:CBFE.PK)
Symbol: CBFE
Price: $1.55
Target: $4
Market: Bullish

Jane movie shaved off all long hair camera? Mixed founding celebrity,
investor planet chain theme. Near, famous sun valley.
Mark among considered basic instinct batman? Allstar cast, husband
ashton kutcher although, they. Saturday night live served guest, host
brought stage? Demetria gene guynes on november is an. Often fought
beat each other. Bokmlnorsk modified january text. Cover vanity fair
seven months pregnant daughter scout larue.
With bruce willis, sylvester stallone arnold august nude cover.
Murphya menlt cdr joanne butchers wifemarina jensenwere! Suicide
frequently changed jobs made, family move total. Childhood teenage
years suburbs. Uncredited cameo end, spoof young doctors lovein.
Do grantthe onlythe jurorannie lairdnow thenolder murphya menlt cdr.
Played part jackie templeton abc soap opera. Sketch march episode
saturday night.
Stallone, arnold august nude cover vanity

My taunt follows: Huh, interesting, your profligate, overaggressive use of nouns with no connecting verbs is damn near idiot-savant-esque -- without the savant part. So you hook me with Bruce Willis Sylvester Stallone in the subject line.

It's almost like a booming movie trailer...Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone in a blockbuster hit SPAM attack. Not one over-the-hill Hollywood icon, but two, sort of Spam Hard With a Vengeance mixed with Spambo.

This spam will make you laugh, and it will make you cry, and it will also make you plenty confused.

Then it's just pure gibberish, but probably not much different then most of the scripts that get sold in Hollywood. I can just picture some producer guy handing these words over to a screenwriter and saying: We did a study that the next hit movie is going to contain all of these words, but you have to figure out what order they go in.

Then we get to the middle of the spam, the kernel, the truth, the payoff: some penny-stock come-on to help in your pump-and-dump scam run on some foreign exchange.

But you know, I wasted 10 bucks on the last Bruce Willis movie (and I'm probably going to rent the latest version of Rocky), so I think I've spent enough money on your two spam superstars.

You should know, though, if you're spam scam makes money, you're probably going to be hearing from Stallone's and Willis' attorneys. They're going to want their cut.

Who knows, maybe they'll partner up with you, create a Spam-It Hollywood chain of burger joints.

MPP for ISP

2007-01-16T20:04:00.000-05:00

Was at a big meeting with some folks that run a service provider, and we were going over their architecture, and the question came up, as it almost always does, why in the world should we go with MPP?

You see, while they had solved some of the most intractable problems facing an ISP in terms of email, with the main one being -- while people truly hate spam, just let one customer miss one email they were supposed to get (what we call a false positive), and you won't ever hear the end of it. Well, they had pretty much solved this problem cold.

But now, due to their popularity, new problems were arising. One, which I won't get into much, is scalability. Now that they had so many customers, they needed scalability, which we had in spades.

The other, and more insolvable problem for them, was the demand for -- as more and more people use email, and use it for different reasons -- their customers were demanding more flexibility from their email, choices that influenced both cost and usability. And anyone that studies the evolution of a product knows that, as a product travels along its life cycle, it tends to evolve from a simple product with little choice into a much more complex multiple-choice product.

Henry Ford himself said, "You can have any color car you want, as long as you want black." That was in the era of the Model T, when just having a car was enough. Well just the other day I saw a car colored in a color I never even knew existed, and all I can say was it was a cross between purple and fucsia (not exactly sure about the spelling of the last one).

The point being, this ISP's customers were starting to ask for different email choices, like archival, and different spam settings, and while their old email engine couldn't do that, they wondered if MPP could help with that?

Bingo, I thought. At long last, after years spent developing a product powerful enough to do exactly that, someone had finally asked us, Can it enable different settings for different users? Damn right it can.

Did Message Partners get the contract? You betcha!

More Spam?

2007-01-12T11:26:00.000-05:00

As I wrote in an earlier blog, this past Wednesday I attended a teleconference held by the folks at Ferris Research, and one of the analysts said something very interesting.

He said that, in fact, there actually is about the same amount of spam being sent around on the internet, the reason that many people think there is so much more is because so much more spam is breaking through our defenses (unless, of course, you use Message Partners, where we quickly plugged the big spam leaks with various tools).

Now I don't think this is entirely true, as with botnets, their ability to spread spam has certainly added to the total amount of spam out there. But I do think it is mostly true, that it's not so much the total amount of spam people are talking about, but the spam that breaks through to the inbox.

So while even I had been reporting that spam is up huge amounts, what I really meant to say is that more spam is breaking through our defenses. Got it?

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Thinking Outside the Inbox

2007-01-11T10:40:00.000-05:00

Everyone that has access to the internet pretty much has to use a service provider, unless of course you are a service provider yourself. And while everyone has been blogging on and on about all the spam and viruses and phishing that have increased geometrically in the last year , what about service providers, as they must be taking the brunt of spam.

My company, Message Partners, does a great deal of their business with service providers, so we get to hear a lot of what's going on spam's front lines. While it hasn't been easy, we've done everything we could do, used every bit of thinking outside the inbox, as I've been calling it, just to get a leg up on spam. I'm just damn glad Message Partner's President, Mike Katz, had the vision early on to build what is pretty much the most adaptable email engine anywhere. Because one of the keys to survival in this spam storm is certainly adaptability.

And we also keep a close watch on the industry for any ideas in beating back spam. We have coders from Russia all the way to Brazil working on it. Because no matter what solution we come up with, it works for awhile, but then it seems spam invents something else, so we can never ever stop, because through rain, sleet, or Viagra spam, your email must be delivered.

Check us out at Message Partners.

25th Anniversary of First Computer Virus

2007-01-10T12:16:00.000-05:00

Attended a teleconference this morning about the future of email and communication technology, held by Ferris Research, and learned that this year marks the 25th Anniversary of the very first computer virus ever to appear.

As Wikipedia indicates, it was a program called "Elk Cloner," and spread via the floppy disk (remember the floppy disk?). Jeez, wasn't the first floppy about the size of a 33 1/3 record, so when you were carrying records around, you really new you were holding onto something. The first virus, written by Rich Skrenta, was written for the Apple DOS 3.3. It was originally intended as a joke, and was embedded into a game, and once the game was set to play the 50th time, instead of the game a blank screen would appear with a poem about the virus Elk Cloner.

On that same note, the first PC virus was a boot sector virus called "Brain," created by two brothers, Basit and Amjad Farooq Alvi, who lived in Lahore, Pakistan. Brain was written to detect pirated copies of software they had written.

Doesn't that now just sound like ancient history, when viruses merely spread mostly through portable media like floppy disks?

Sometimes, when thinking and writing about viruses and all the trouble they create, I think back to the show "Get Smart." I remember at one point, Maxwell Smart had Kaos, the bad guys, totally cornered, and finally, at long last, with one fell swoop could totally destroy them. But then Max realizes, without Kaos, he wouldn't have a job, so he let them go (or, in his distracted state, they escaped, I forget which). So Kaos survived to continue their lifelong battle with Control.

So as I rev up everyday to fight spam and viruses for Message Partners, I sometimes wonder what I would do if they weren't around? But I guess with anything, where there is control, there is always Kaos close by.

Trouble With Botnets

2007-01-09T11:16:00.000-05:00

I tell you, last year about this time, it really looked like we just about had spam licked. While I was just starting work with Message Parters, I remember the feelings of self-satisfaction when we told someone that you use this spam filter, and then spam would be gone.

Oh my oh my how things have changed. Image spam, while we're getting a leg-up on them, image spam is quite the tough baliwick, and it's gonna take the best minds a bit longer to find a true fix (though our greylisting sure is giving spam all sorts of difficulties right now).

And then there's the unending zombie war currently going on with botnets. Seems malware has been written that, once some sort of MS Office document is opened, immediately turns that persons computer into a spam slave (please people, never ever open an attachment from someone you don't know, and if you get something unexpected from someone you know, contact them first to make sure it's all right to open).

Currently, there are botnets ranging anywhere from a few thousand computers to over a million. That's a lot of spam clogging inboxes. But I promise you, the gang at Message Partners is doing fine against the million bot march of spam, and not long from now, we just may have an answer to bring down some of these nattering networks. I'll keep you tuned in.

Taunting Spam

2007-01-08T12:29:00.000-05:00

Some Mondays are tough, and other Mondays are super-tough -- for me, the fact that this is really the first work Monday of '07 means this Monday hit me particularly hard. In what is already a dreary and rainy day (at least in NYC, where this morning, the smell of gas permeated the entire city, which always immediately makes me think of 9/11, but as of this post I remain unblown-up), from now on I am going to take a moment out of each Monday to try to add some levity to the day by taunting spam.

Although this in no way reflects the policy of my company, Message Partners, and we have much better tools to stop spam then a rude taunting, well, who knows, maybe if I taunt spam hard enough, maybe spam will finally decide it's had enough and go straight home and refuse to come out anymore. Hey, anything to help Message Partners beat spam is all right by me.

So, today I received the following spam:

Dear Friend,

Greetings to you and your family, I am David Xueqing, a staff of
Private Banking services of the Bank of china, Shenzhen China. I have an
obscured business proposal that I am sure will be of interest to you.

Please respond to me via my private email address:
dxue10112@yahoo.com.hk

Upon reciept of your response, I will give your more information on the
business.

I will await your prompt response to this email.

Sincerely,

David Xueqing

My taunt:

Hey fellow email user from China. Thank you for taking the time out of your very busy crime-ridden schedule to contact me. I know you probably are very anxious to hear from me, as you probably have to purse-snatch a couple of little old ladies later. And your mother probably still has no idea you've stolen her identity so you can opt for the extra-special nail-spa treatment.

Thanks for calling me your friend, David. I've never met you before and already I'm your friend. That's really great. In America, friends send friends extravagant birthday presents, so I'll let you know when and where to send it.

I know, I know, enough small talk, let's get down to the business at hand. You say you have an "obscured business proposal." Obscured, huh, does that mean it's obscured from you? If I get into a business deal with you, I'd prefer you knew about it, friend.

And you say you are a "staff" of Private Banking services of the Bank of china. I've never done business with a staff before, but if you were a walking stick, or better yet, a magic wand, then you might really have my interest.

Also, David, one easy bit of advice, USE A DICTIONARY. While the fact that you're using English is quite exemplary, as it's probably not your first language, you misspelled receive, man. Not that big of a deal, but your whole email revolved around receive, you see, because you simply cannot proceed to the next step of the scam unless you receive something, anything, from me. So receive is a key word, the crux word, the word you really want to get right, my fiend David. And no, I didn't mean to write My friend David. You see how that spelling thing works.

But altogether, David, I can only say I have contempt for you, my friend. I mean, aren't you really just running a scam that the Nigerians have been doing for years, and a scam that they do better (they use much better details). And from what I've read, Nigeria is a seriously depressed country, whereas China is booming, so here's some unsolicited advice for you, David.

Go get a job. I mean a real job. Something your mother would be proud of. And I don't mean you imitating your mother so you can get a bunch free credit cards, I mean the-woman-who-gave-birth-to-you mother.

Out Damn Spam

2007-01-05T15:57:00.000-05:00

Well, I'll be the first to admit it, it's been a little while since my last post. You know, I've read that over 50 million blogs have been abandoned and are now longer being updated, which basically makes them orphans. Well I'm not going to let that happen to this blog.

Basically, the reason for my reticence is spam's recent great resurgence. My company, Message Partner's, has been battling this recent flood, surge, outright global spamming epidemic that's going on right now. Did you know that spam now accounts for just about 9 out of every 10 email messages sent today. That just makes that 1 out of 10 real emails all that much more important.

I mean, aren't people starting to get a clue? If spam worked like it said it did, people would now need pills to make their sex organs smaller. Actually, the truth is, spam has changed, and they've switched from the pharmaceutical come-on, shifting to stock pump-and-dump scams as well as phishing. Phising, as I'm sure you probably know, are emails that pretend to be from actual banks or legitimate internet merchant sites that typically warn you that something unauthorized has happened to your account, and please click on this link and sign in and get everything back in order. Only problem, it's a SCAM, the link generally goes to a fake site using borrowed graphics (graphics are just so easy to steal on the internet), which means the information you've just typed in to clear everything up has now turned everything bad. Very very bad.

Phishing is a scourge, one that threatens the very viability of email, so please, never ever ever respond to an email message from a bank or eBay or Amazon no matter how official it looks. If you think you are having account trouble, go straight to the site by typing it directly into the address bar.

Well, it's near the end of the day Friday, and I got some other stuff to do. So the reason for the delay is this sudden onslaught of damned spam. But, while I admit this groundswell of junk email did catch us folks at Message Partners somewhat by surprise, we've battled back quite well, thank you, and have plenty of nifty tools in our email platform that will not only defeat spam, it'll stop it from ever even getting on your server. We've also got some excellent tools to fight phishing.

Yes indeedy. Have a great weekend, all. I'll be back with another post before you can eat a full can of actual Spam.

Tags: Spam, Stop Spam, Fight Phishing

Brain Coding

2006-10-18T14:25:00.000-04:00

As a writer who is now heavily involved in the computer world, I see a significant parallel between writer's the write computer code and writer's that write words.

While programmers must construct every inch of code to achieve some predictable result from essentially a dumb processor that can only read zeros and ones, writers have to construct every word of a sentence that will hopefully achieve the desired result from someone that is not so dumb or predictable. And testing our writing is so much more more difficult to judge then just simply plugging it into a computer and seeing how it runs.

But as I slave over another configuration of words that I hope achieves the desired result of a software sale, I sometimes envy the programmer and their 0 and 1 world. Oh, if human beings were only that simple. But I guess the advantage writer's have is people, unlike computers, often act very illogically, and as I writer, I'm often wondering, how do I program for the human illogic.

How do I do it consistently? How do I calculate my own lack of logic?

Isn't That E-ronic

2006-10-05T14:46:00.000-04:00

So I've just recently started my other blog on computer security for the fine folks at EBizQ.net. I started it on Monday, and two days ago, turning on my computer, it took at least three times as long for my computer to boot up, and then Microsoft was kind enough to inform me that my system had experience a grave error.

I managed to get my computer started, and since then, my system has been acting a little hinky, and runs a bit slower, which makes me think: could I have been the victim of a computer virus? Or even worse, has a hacker targeted me because of my security blog? I'm not too sure of the answer, but it isn't like I spend a lot of time in nasty back alleys of the internet, nor do I download huge files over email. But wouldn't that just be terribly E-ronic if, the day after I start reporting on nefarious computer tricks and various patches and even Patch Adams, that I fall victim to a virus.

I'm not entirely sure what happened with my computer, as I did just upgrade my ITunes, along with a few other things, but I do know that, now that I have raised my profile on the internet with my security blog, you better believe I'm going to be ramping up my computer security lickety-split.

Tickle Me MPP

2006-09-30T11:50:00.000-04:00

As we zip through another high speed corner into fall, I'm starting to see the undeniable signs of Christmas up ahead.

The main sign I've seen so far is this new Tickle Me Elmo doll, which, where with the earlier versions, upon tickling (this is all hypothetical to me, as so far I've managed to progress through life without tickling a single Elmo), Elmo gave a hearty, good-natured chortle, whereas this new version falls into a full-body all-out convulsing guffaw. And from some recent press reports, apparently the battles over these dolls have already escalated to the screaming and fighting stage. Basically, another Tickle Me Elmo that really only leads to hair-pulling and kicking.

Now I know email security isn't really high up on anyone's Christmas list, and software doesn't even count for a single wedding anniversary (although isn't the first anniversary PAPER, and while maybe I haven't seen every type of luxury paper available, wouldn't software be better than paper?).

So as MPP ramps up to version 3.0, I think we're going to add a heretofore unconsidered feature -- you hit a certain button, and one of the most versatile email protection engines on the market today will become even more versatile -- it'll start giggling uncontrollably.

Yes, tickle me MPP, at toy stores this Thanksgiving. How could it lose?

I've Got Blogorrhea

2006-09-28T15:41:00.000-04:00

You read that right. Yep, I've got blogorrhea. In case you haven't heard the term before, it's a root of the world logorrhea, which, as there is no delicate way to put this, is simply diarrhea of the mouth. I've had friends with logorrhea, friends that, it didn't matter what they said, or how they said it, they simply had to be saying something, anything, all the time. There was this girl I dated once, and sitting down with a bunch of friends, I heard her talk talk and talk over this point, and when no one responded, she immediately took the exact opposite point and started talking about that. Damn, I thought, if she's always talking, how does anything ever come in so she can talk it back out again.

So yep, I've got Blogorrhea. I've got diarrhea of the keyboard.

I know what you're thinking. But Pete, you're saying to yourself, I can see all of your entries, and more than a week has gone by since your past post, and if you think you've been doing too many blog entries, well, then you must think someone with a pocketful of nickles is filthy rich.

Oh no, you see, this blog, the blog entries you see to the right, the blog you are reading right here and now, as of Monday, it's no longer my only blog. I am becoming the new enterprise security blogger for EBizQ.net. It's going to be a daily blog, maybe sometimes even twice daily.

I blog, therefore I am.

O.O.A. is Out Of Control

2006-09-17T23:38:00.000-04:00

Everywhere I look, everywhere I turn, everywhere I read, I see O.O.A. out of control everywhere.

OOA has simply become too much for me to deal with. Sure, I can understand when you need to use it for some device to stay underwater, or for some sort of emergency clinic that you can move around quickly and easily during a time of war, or even as the name of a hit TV show, but OOA has simply grown out of hand, at least in some sections of the computer industry.

And by OOA, I mean Ostentatious Overuse of Acronyms. Now stop it or someone is going to get very confused.

Hypertext or Hypertypo

2006-09-15T11:30:00.000-04:00

Speed, speed, everything today is about speed. Here in NYC, the NY Times actually has about four or five versions, from early to late, and apparently the only way to truly know what version of the paper you have is the number of dots on the top part of the front page of the paper.

And with all this pressure for speed comes typos. Years ago, you never would have dreamed of seeing more than a few typos in the entire Times, but now it's not that uncommon to find a couple in just one article. Fewer editors, faster turnaround, that's prime soil for typos.

And I'm certainly not immune to the typo scourge. Email is just so easy to type out and send out, and usually, of course, I give it a once over before hitting send, but even with that, I'm still suprised by how often something slips by. Three weeks ago, I noticed three typos in one short email, and the worst thing was, there was even a typo in the subject line (they were all accepted words, so they didn't show up in the spell check, just the wrong words).

The most frustrating one was in San Francisco, when Message Partners was out at Linuxworld. There was one hand-out I worked on, whittling it down until it was written and rewritten to within an inch of its life. And it was just a half page of large type, no more than 100 words, but as I handed the pamphlet over to someone, they took one look down and said, "What's smap? "

All of one hundred words, two sets of eyes scouring over it, but there it was: Smap. Smap instead of spam. Damn damn damn damn damn that spam!

And now that everything is going over to video, is there such a thing as a video typo? You know, I think that's what they call a blooper.

Presentation Slam -- Part Deux

2006-09-12T12:38:00.000-04:00

So there I was, a three floor drop in front of me, and the Avnet conference behind me, thinking, should I take the easiest route and do a swan dive off the balcony, or should I just turn around a give my three minute presentation?

You should know there were a few things working against me here. First, my boss at Message Partners had prepared the three slides I was going to speak on a week before, and he had done it quickly, and since then the speech I'd prepared had diverged quite considerably from the slides. So after I had committed my speech to memory, practicing it over and over again until I could say it doing cartwheels through Niagara Falls, but when I tried to do my presentation using the slides, everything came crashing down and I spoke like a stuttering fool.

Second, and biggest of all, was the word COMPLIANCE. I don't know what it was about that word, but everytime I came to that word, instead of compliance, I'd stumble, or say complaints, or say khaki pants, you name it, but when it came to that word, my brain simply would not COMPLY.

So there I was, perched at the baloncy with all these thoughts swirling around my head as the clock approached one. Screw it, I thought, I can always dive off the balcony later, so I turned around and headed into the conference.

And just like it's my habit, I was one of the first ones there. That's me to a T, always early or on time, as it actually takes me twice as much energy to even try to be late so why bother, and this was my first conference, which means I wasn't aware of Conference Time, which seems to run about three and a half minutes late.

Then it started. First up, Avnet gave their spiel, which was that they're now charging their ISVs to have access to all their sales channels, and the better the access the bigger the fee (whatever happened to the win-win of simply earning sales commissions?). And then it was presentation time, and the lady (speaking with total ease) said all 23 presenters had 3 minutes each, and if we went over by even a second we were going to get GONGED.

Uh oh, I thought, that's not how I planned it, I thought they'd give us at least 30 second to wrap up, but NO, they were gonna hold us hard to three minutes. So immediately I looked down at my notecards and started cutting stuff out.

The good thing was I'd be presenting 11th, which was perfect, 'cause I'd get to see what everyone else was doing while not having to wait too long to go. And as others started presenting, the first thing that struck me was, everyone is clearly nervous. Here I am, plenty of reason to be nervous, as it's my first presentation, but I'm watching salty old convention dogs stumbling and stuttering their way through, which immediatly put me at ease, as I figured I could do just as good as that.

Then I got the call, NEXT, and it was on. Things started smooth, which was essential, as a lot of my tricky words were right in the beginning, as I was there to discuss our joint project with IBM, and as IBM has so many products, anything you do with them, to differentiate from everything else, immediately becomes a word salad, and the word salad I had to say was: Our joint security solution with the IBM system p5 which is called the Network Email Security Express Solution. And I sailed past that, but there it was, straight up ahead, my iceberg in the name of COMPLIANCE.

I started to say it, COM...COMP, but of course I stumbled, it was my Achilles spiel, and my mind immediately went blank. I started to bring my right hand up, palm exposed, where, finally realizing that that word and I might never get along, I'd written COMPLIANCE in blue ink, but even before read it off my palm out it came, compliance...YES!

There, I did it, I'd made it past, which brought me to the fun part of my speech. I got to tell my joke, which was: I've read recently that a new a devastating virus is created every sixteen seconds, but I'm not too sure about that fact, as I did read it off a recent spam mail. Then I heard it, a laugh to my left, then another, and soon the room was full of light laughter. Hey, this is fun.

But as I got to the end, trouble. As I called for my final slide, the How to Buy Us slide, the MC lady said, Time's up. What, I thought, it can't be, what about my warning, what about my signal. Incredulous, all I said was, "Really?" and she replied, Yep, your time is up. I was shocked, I was surprised, and even worse, I was on a roll, so I blurted out DAMN!!!

Not the worst expletive, altogether, and I was lucky I didn't say anything worse, but as I walked off, more laughs, bigger laughs, my damn had gotten the biggest laugh of all. And alls well, as the couple of contacts I made at the conference look like they're going to pan out. Damn indeed.

The Right Byte

2006-09-10T15:37:00.000-04:00

Hear ye regular readers, for the moment I'm going to have to put off the conclusion of my San Antonio tete-a-net.

Right now I want to digress on another issue, for, previous to this, I've been enumerating on my newness to these waters, and how deep and dark and complex I've found them to be.

But something has happened to me in the past month. I feel like I've finally taken the right bite-sized byte. I feel like I'm finally getting it.

You see, even though I started out in life as a math whiz, which led me to major in Biomedical Engineering in college (although I ended up with a biz degree), well, I as much as anyone exemplify that things don't always end up how they start out (from biz degree to owning two Yogurt shops to NYC comedy writer to getting picked for the best book of American humor writing to marketing for Message Partners).

Through all that, I have always kept up digitally, which to me meant keeping up with what was going on online. I was the first to tell my friends to check out Craigslist, as well as Flavorpill (bravo on their big article in the NY Times Mag today), and I remember the first time I was published by McSweeney's Internet Tendency, as when they accept something they never tell you when it's going to go up, so you check, and you check, and you keep checking, and the wait went on so long I sent them another piece, and then my bit finally showed up, and two days later, my second piece went up (and they hadn't even told me that one was accepted), and then two weeks after that McSweeney's was picked by Entertainment Weekly as one of the top ten websites of the year (oh, those were some heady times, as I was in the airport headed for a New Year's 2000 party at a castle in the Loire Valley of France when I found out).

But my technical expertise at the time was pretty much limited to writing HTML and trying to market my website, PeteTV.com, online, as well as getting Google to rate my website higher (those were the days of begging for a link). Not very technical, but since then things in my life have gotten more technical all around, well, I'd say both easier and more technical all at the same time, and really, how could it have not?

Now, though, now I feel like I'm finally getting it. I feel like I've been trying to take this all in all at once, and, while one of the definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, I'd like to add to that by saying insanity is also trying to understand the business software world in the year Aught Six with a book published in the year 2000.

Now I know nobody understand the whole e-enchilada, but that's certainly no excuse to know nothing, but now I do know I know something, I mean I know what I know, and I know what I don't know, and that's a start. For me, that's a bite-sized byte I can finally digest.

Presentation Slam

2006-09-09T10:04:00.000-04:00

I recently returned from the Avnet Conference in San Antonio, my second computer conference in two weeks, only this time, my friend, this time I was GIVING a presentation.

Boy, if I could bottle the sense of doom and foreboding I was feeling going into the conference, well, if I could just bottle it and sell it as a perfume, anyone who dabbed it on would never get another date for the rest of their lives.

Now I do have some experience giving presentations, or at least performing, only this was from my past life, my writing life, and the presentations I had to do were terribly nervewracking, as it was with The Moth Storyslam, where you have five minutes to tell a story, and you can use no notes and you don't even know if and when you're going to go on, you just put your name in a hat and wait (that is if you can keep breathing).

And here I am, a writer in New York City, trying to make it big in the Big Apple, and as an old writing teacher once told me, if you make a life where you have to succeed, then by God, you WILL succeed. So to do that I cut away all my support lines, and if plan A, writing, didn't work out, hell if I knew what plan B was, so I had everything riding on writing, and with some of the more up-and-coming as well as outright famous folks involved with Moth Storyslam, you better believe I was nervous as hell performing at the Moth. That and the fact that once you finish your story, three judges picked from the audience give you a score, 1 to 10.

And boy, have I heard some great stories at the Moth. One lady told a story how she had a phone affair with Warren Beatty (while in his current marriage). Another guy, working for one of those cable prank shows that quickly got cancelled, well he went to Yankee stadium unannounced with a camera crew and a not-very-good Michael Jackson impersonator. He told the Yankees he was with Michael Jackson, and that Michael wanted to throw out the first ball. Later, there they were in the dugout, with the not-so-good impersonator cowering in a corner, trying not to let anybody get too good a look at him, when the Yankees ask, instead of throwing out the first ball, why doesn't Michael Jackson sing the national anthem instead (the impersonator was a non-singing version). The prank ended with this guy in jail.

One last story was a girl who got an internship at Nickelodeon, and when enough kids didn't show up for a certain event, she, because she looked so young, was volunteered to take part in one of their events that involved crabwalking backwards through one of their gooey concotions. Well, she hadn't planned for this, nor had she dressed for this, so Nickelodeon hooked her up with some kiddie clothes that didn't quite fit, and, as she's crabwalking backwards through the goop, she feels her pants pulling down. Oh my oh my, what to do? If she lifts an arm, she topples into the muck, but the question quickly became irrelevant as her pants did pull down revealing to the studio audience that she wasn't such a young girl after all (also revealing a very private piercing).

I myself told two stories at the storyslam, not nearly so interesting, but both were very well received, and after I was through (the first one truly felt like an out-of-body experience), I thought I would never feel that much pressure on myself again...WRONG!!!

Because for some reason, the Avnet conference really had me freaked out. I guess it was the fact that it was only my second computer conference ever, and not only was I going alone, this time I was going to PRESENT!!! And it wasn't just a calm cool easy relaxed presentation, each presenter only had three minutes, and anyone who went over got the GONG.

So there I was, standing on the third floor balcony overlooking the Marriott San Antonio Riverwalk, the clock about to strike 1, the start time of the conference, and I think to myself: If I were to follow the path of least resistence here, instead of going and giving my presentation I would actually just hurl myself down the three floors to a broken-neck death.

Tune in tomorrow to find out what I do. Hint: I'll give you long odds if you want to bet I'm dead.

Sipping from a Firehose

2006-08-24T11:02:00.000-04:00

Recently returned from Linuxworld, from the fine city of San Francisco, and as this was my first convention not staring out from behind the dark screen of a large-headed comic character costume (which was part of a comic strip I wrote called Wexler), well, when I hear the phrase "It's like trying to take a sip from a firehose," I now know exactly what they mean.

Linuxworld is a big wide open source world. Information was coming at me from all directions, abbreviations and acronyms I'd never even heards of, I mean WTF?!?

So I just hid my know-nothing quizzical deer-in-the-headlights stare as best I could, and when some genius geek strode up and prodded me with information, I just let them talk, and it didn't take me long to realize that's all they wanted to do, talk, they wanted to prove they knew something I didn't know, and I just knitted my brow and gave them a look like, hey, thanks for the info bud.

I mean, in this computer world, there is just so much to know, and in the phrasology of Rumsfeld, I don't even know what I don't know, but I am starting to learn what I don't need to know, which I guess is a big start.

I mean, in writing marketing and other literature for Message Partners, I've learned so damned much, and I thought I actually had some sort of bead on this computer stuff, but as one person after another came and prodded me about my product, it really is so much different to go from this here computer out into the real world talking to real people answering real questions.

Hence, it’s like taking a sip from a firehouse, and it’s one week later from the end of the convention, and I’m still swallowing water as fast as I can.

But I did get to ride a Segway, got to race around the convention center until it felt as natural as walking. So when are they gonna add Segway trick-riding to the X Games?

What's in a Name?

2006-08-10T13:27:00.000-04:00

I’ve been watching my friend Mike Katz for awhile. I had already been on the internet with my own URL for a bit, and as my brother at the time was buying up URLs by the bushel (he even owned HowardStern.org for awhile), so I was quite curious what name and URL Mike would choose for his business. I know that a name is hard to come up with, and if you can pick a good one, in terms of the internet, it can really make or break a business (remember when they sold business.com for 5 million?).

He first came out of the blocks with the name RAE Internet. Not bad, I’d say, as it’s just three letters, and three letters, all combinations of any three letters, were getting quickly bought up by those folks known as cybersquatters.

But RAE is kind of awkward as well, as how the hell do you pronounce it? You remember that old commercial, you can call me Ray, you can call me Jay? But in this case it would be you can call me Ray, or you can call me Ra E, or you can call me Ree.

I mean, us Americans, we tend not to pile our vowels on top of each other like the French, as it can create some very funny pronunciations (I once new a French girl named Aurora, and I simply could not say the way she said her name, and as you can well imagine, the relationship didn’t last). But still, three letters is good, and if it worked for him, then no harm no foul.

But several years later, I saw that he’d changed his company name to Message Partners. A HA, now he gets it!!! For someone in the email security business, Message Partners is the perfect name. A name that’s relevant, easy to remember, and best of all, easy to say.

I guess the only real confusion with Message Partners is that Message looks so much like Massage. And I live myself in downtown New York, not so far from Chinatown, where there a dozens of Massage Parlors that give those famous happy endings. All I’ve got to say about Message Partners is that, if you do use us, our happy endings last a hell of a lot longer.

Open Source, Open Seas

2006-08-10T13:05:00.000-04:00

I have a question that’s been bothering me.

But first, I think you should know I am fairly new to this game, by which I mean the email security/archival game, and as my last company got bought up and by luck a good friend of mine happened to have a kickin’ email product and a fine company in need of an e-wordsmith, which as you’ve probably figured out, is me.

As you may have guessed, I hark from another industry, but as is my want, I always try to jump into any new task heels first. And all I’ve got to say so far about the internet industry, people sure do got to swim mighty hard to stay afloat in this info-ocean.

I mean, I kind of feel like Neo in the Matrix, when he’s just going through his ordinary day-to-day life and suddenly some stranger shows up and peels back the banal reality to reveal the endless stream of 0s and 1s which makes up the Matrix.

Only I’m coming at it from the other side, all I can see is an endless stream of 0s and 1s, and every time I think I’ve got a good understanding about what’s going on, well, it reveals itself to be something completely different. And I wouldn’t exactly call myself Neo, I’d call myself Neo-phyte.

So here I am, in the middle of this info-ocean, an ocean bigger than any I’ve ever seen – about the size of the Atlantic and the Pacific and 2/3rds of the Indian Ocean added together – and all I’ve got is a tiny rowboat and the sun is high overhead and I can’t see any land in any direction. Looks like I’ve got me some rowing to do.

Which brings me to the question: if, when driving on a stretch of blacktop on a sunny day you always see a shimmering pool of water up ahead, does that mean when you’re in the middle of the ocean on a sunny day you see a patch of paved road up ahead?