Google Gobbles Postini

The war between Google and Microsoft is getting ever more intense, as Google buys Postini to provide embedded protection for Google Apps, which competes for the very heart of Microsoft's biz: office applications.

While Google Apps has has to be considered a success (signing up 1,000 customers a day), bigger companies have been more reluctant due to fears about security and compliance. But the purchase of Postini should put those worries to rest as Google's hosted office applications are as well protected as Postini's email service.

But what is an email service provider to do? Basically, the only true option for them remains Message Partner's MPP, which you can read more about right here.

Fourth of July Spam

Well, it's coming up on the 4th of July, and at Message Partners, what would be a better occasion than to figure out some funny (hopefully) ways spammers could spam us Americans for the 4th. And away we go:

To: MichaelBolton@HasBeen.com
Subject: Rockets Red Glare
Remember when you forgot the words to the National Anthem? Well fear no more, just click here and buy our "Star Spangled Banner" contact lenses, and never stumble or forget the words again.

To: Sparklers@FireJerks.com
Subject: Sparklers
Are fireworks illegal in your area except for boring sparklers? At Firejerks we have 10, 20, 50 foot sparklers that will light up the entire night sky for hours. Just make sure everyone is dressed in fire proof clothes. Click here.

To: FirecrackerJoe@ThomasFamily.com
Subject: Like Watching Fireworks Accidents?
So do we. So when you light off all your fireworks this year, make sure you get it all on tape, and send any mishaps to the following link _____.

To: GeorgeWashington@NewCountry.com
Hello George. It has recently come to our attention that you are looking to sign and adopt the Declaration of Independence in early July. May we suggest the 2nd of July, or the 3rd of July, or even 5th of July. You see, we own the web addresses for those dates, and we will be willing to split any profits realized by those exclusive websites. Just don't sign it on the 4th of July, as that site is owned by someone named John Hancock.

To: Dan@Creightonville.com
Subject: Hate A Parade
Do you hate parades? All the noise and commotion. Well just click on the following link, and join our I-hate-a-parade Parade. Come on, it'll be fun.

Dog Spam

While in no way is Message Partners in the pet-care industry, we most certainly are in the stop-spam industry, which makes us wonder: what what spam look like if it came to your pet dog? Some examples follow:

To: Fido@PetKing.com
Subject: SIT!!!
Stay. Shake. Roll over. Up. Get back down. Good Dog! Now click here and buy.

To: Spot@TheThomasFamily.com
Subject: See Spot Do More Than Run
Aren't you tired of all those simplistic Spot stories where all you do is run around and chase things. Well in our new series of books, you can see Spot drive an 18 wheeler, or see Spot trade derivates. Just click here.

To: Rusty@BarnesHousehold.com
Subject: We're Onto You
Come on, Rusty, we know what you're doing when the owners away. Watching cable, checking email, slurping the best scotch, laying around all day in the lap of luxury. If you don't click here and immediately give us 100 dollars (we know where you bury the loose change in the back yard), we'll let your owner know exactly what their little doggie is capable of: WORK!!!

To: Crumpet@MansWorstFriend.com
Subject: Spade Bob Barker
Isn't it time Bob Barker paid for always reminding owners to take your doghood away from you. Your very reason for being? Click here and donate to the cause.

To: Fluffy@FluffnStuff
Subject: Tail Droop
Is your tail no longer wagging like it used to? Is your tail no longer bushy and long? Well click here and in two weeks get a longer, bushier tail that can outwag even the youngest pup!

That's all for now. Have a great weekend all.

You Might Be a Spammer If... (cont'd)

At Message Partners, we do daily battle with spammers. Which makes us wonder, exactly what is it that makes someone a spammer? Some ideas follow:

You Might Be a Spammer If...

You watch a small screen TV so all of your body parts look bigger

You send consulting bills to friends who only thought they were just hanging out with you.

Whenever a magazine insert falls out of a magazine, you fill out a friend’s name.

You tell everyone you were one of the first Viagra babies.

You think women should figure out a way to have babies by e-section.

When you eat rice, you wonder why each grain of rice doesn’t have a message written on it.

You eat Alphabets cereal for every morning for clues to figure out what nonsense messages you’re going to put in your subject matter that day.

You take half a dozen pills every day just to keep your body parts the same size.

The Necessity of Email Integration

A quick description on our MPP enhancements: On a very basic level, MPP functions as a stand alone email security and compliance product. We have significantly increased functionality in terms of how we can control multiple engines, how we can use comparative spam scoring and our own spam scoring algorithm so we can evaluate many tests. We have added considerable enhancements to our white and black listing methodologies and we’ve done a lot with how we archived messages so we’ve increased the archival capabilities considerably.

To hear the whole podcast, click right here.

Taunting Spam XIII

Due to popular demand, Taunting Spam is back! Haven't done one in awhile, and spam just keeps rushing the barricades we improve by the day at Message Partners. So, for all of those who have to click through a mountain of spam to get to their legitimate email, here goes:

I received the following spam:

Subject: it`s kellie

Hi

My name is kellie. I found your email on that dating site.
I also love sex on the side. I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week :( If you are interested and wanna see my pictures just email me at XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Don`t reply, use the email above (my boyfriend doesn`t know about that email!)

Taunt begins: Hey there kellie. I hope this taunt finds you not so great, Kellie.

So you found my email on that dating site. I think I know the site you're referring to...it's that really high-end Studs for Hire site, right, and as it says on the site, to email any of the studes on the site, you must pay them 1 million dollars. So I can expect the 1 million in the mail soon, right?

And you say you love sex on the side. Sex on the side, huh? What about sex on your back, or sex on top. Sex on the side has always struck me a awkward and a good way to poke out an eye.

Also, about seeing your pictures. I don't know if you know this, but there are a lot of pictures of naked woman on the net, and they don't require an email at all. I mean, you can't really surf the internet anymore without running into a naked lady.

Now if you were actually dressed, and you actually treated your hard working man right, that I would like to see. Oh well...

Early American Spam

We know our history at Message Partners, and as the history of spam is not a long one, that's pretty easy for us to do. But what if Spam existed pert near forever, even during the founding of America. Hear Ye Hear Ye Hear Ye!!! Some examples follow:

To: GW@MtVernon.com
Subject: Got Teeth?
Here at Choppers Inc., the tooth specialists, we have many new and revolutionary replacement ideas for your old wooden teeth. Our newest invention is teeth made from baked cow dung, which is very cheap, and eliminates most of the smell. But it sure beats lip splinters. Click here.

To: Madison@WoodCattage.com
Subject: Ye Olde Sex Organ...
Would you like your unit to look huge. Just visit our website and buy our organ enlarger then, when you get together with your lady-friend, just have her put on the special spectacles and watch her recoil in horror.

To: PaulRevere@DamnedBritish.com
Subject: Horse Security
Did you know horse thievery and horse jacking are on the rise all over the 13 colonies. With our saddle security lock, absolutely no one can get on your horse or get the saddle off without your permission. And the giant wooden bar that stretches across most main streets easily folds up and fits in a saddlebag.

To: DearestDaniel@PlymouthBoulder.com
Subject: You could be rich
Hello Daniel. I am Steve Stevo, and I am personal assistant to the King of Canada. While you may think Canada has no King, how wrong you are. We need you to send us some money so we can find and unbury great riches, which we will split 70/45 with you (authors note: this is early America, where they didn't have a real good fix on percentages).