Star Trek Spam

Back from a business trip to Poland, back to being obsessed about spam and its demise for my company, Message Partners, and was wondering, what would spam look like for the members of the Starship Enterprise?

To: Spock@StarshipEnterprise.gov
Re: Get Bigger Ears Here
Ears not big and pointy enough? Or, do your ears droop at the end of the day. Click here and get the biggest, pointiest ears of any Vulcan. It's just logical.

To:CaptainKirk@StarshipEnterprise.gov
Re: Don't be a Captain Jerk
Hey, Captain. Do you get lonely after those Klingon battles? Do you want to boldly go where, well, OK, well a few men have gone before? So click right here, big boy.

To:CleaningCrew@StarshipEnterprise.gov
Re: No More Trouble With Tribbles
Just click here to learn about our revolutionary cleaning products that will guarantee that you will have no more trouble with tribbles or your money back.

To:Sulu@StarshipEnterprise.gov
Re: Make Billions
Please sir, I am the accountant of the Kingdom of Gloer in Deep Space 11, and if you could just send me twenty million kregors, I could just get hold of these funds and would be most willing to split them with you.

That's all I got for today, but I'm sure I'll come back to this subject.