Spam in Hell

At Message Partners, sometimes it seems we get so much spam that we're already in hell, but yet, exactly what would spam look like in hell? My thoughts follow below:

To: Adolph@damnation.com
Subject: Grow Hair
Does your little mustache keep burning off in the fires of hell and no one even recognizes you? Then click right here and we'll make it grow back darker and more ominous than ever.

To: Vic@hellsucks.com
Subject: Nigerian Free Pass
Hello friend. I am a Nigerian sorcerer, and I want you to know that I was doing some voodoo the other day, and somehow I came across a get-out-of-hell free card that I would be more than happy to give to you for a small fee. So, before you spend another eternity in that hellish place, please respond immediately. And even though you're keyboards in hell don't have any letters, and you have to press down on razorblades to type, please write me a million word essay on why you might be interested.

To: Newbie@hell.com
Subject: Get Smaller
Did you get the free increase your pecker pills that we sent. They work, don't they. Too well. Guess you didn't realize have a bigger one just meant you've got more sensitive flesh to burn. So if you click right now, we'll give you pills to radidly decrease your size, all for the low price of 1 dollar. Oh, that's right, you don't have any money in hell.

That's all I got for now, but I'm sure I'll return to this subject sometime soon.