Dog Spam

While in no way is Message Partners in the pet-care industry, we most certainly are in the stop-spam industry, which makes us wonder: what what spam look like if it came to your pet dog? Some examples follow:

To: Fido@PetKing.com
Subject: SIT!!!
Stay. Shake. Roll over. Up. Get back down. Good Dog! Now click here and buy.

To: Spot@TheThomasFamily.com
Subject: See Spot Do More Than Run
Aren't you tired of all those simplistic Spot stories where all you do is run around and chase things. Well in our new series of books, you can see Spot drive an 18 wheeler, or see Spot trade derivates. Just click here.

To: Rusty@BarnesHousehold.com
Subject: We're Onto You
Come on, Rusty, we know what you're doing when the owners away. Watching cable, checking email, slurping the best scotch, laying around all day in the lap of luxury. If you don't click here and immediately give us 100 dollars (we know where you bury the loose change in the back yard), we'll let your owner know exactly what their little doggie is capable of: WORK!!!

To: Crumpet@MansWorstFriend.com
Subject: Spade Bob Barker
Isn't it time Bob Barker paid for always reminding owners to take your doghood away from you. Your very reason for being? Click here and donate to the cause.

To: Fluffy@FluffnStuff
Subject: Tail Droop
Is your tail no longer wagging like it used to? Is your tail no longer bushy and long? Well click here and in two weeks get a longer, bushier tail that can outwag even the youngest pup!

That's all for now. Have a great weekend all.

You Might Be a Spammer If... (cont'd)

At Message Partners, we do daily battle with spammers. Which makes us wonder, exactly what is it that makes someone a spammer? Some ideas follow:

You Might Be a Spammer If...

You watch a small screen TV so all of your body parts look bigger

You send consulting bills to friends who only thought they were just hanging out with you.

Whenever a magazine insert falls out of a magazine, you fill out a friend’s name.

You tell everyone you were one of the first Viagra babies.

You think women should figure out a way to have babies by e-section.

When you eat rice, you wonder why each grain of rice doesn’t have a message written on it.

You eat Alphabets cereal for every morning for clues to figure out what nonsense messages you’re going to put in your subject matter that day.

You take half a dozen pills every day just to keep your body parts the same size.

Taunting Spam XIII

Due to popular demand, Taunting Spam is back! Haven't done one in awhile, and spam just keeps rushing the barricades we improve by the day at Message Partners. So, for all of those who have to click through a mountain of spam to get to their legitimate email, here goes:

I received the following spam:

Subject: it`s kellie

Hi

My name is kellie. I found your email on that dating site.
I also love sex on the side. I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week :( If you are interested and wanna see my pictures just email me at XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Don`t reply, use the email above (my boyfriend doesn`t know about that email!)

Taunt begins: Hey there kellie. I hope this taunt finds you not so great, Kellie.

So you found my email on that dating site. I think I know the site you're referring to...it's that really high-end Studs for Hire site, right, and as it says on the site, to email any of the studes on the site, you must pay them 1 million dollars. So I can expect the 1 million in the mail soon, right?

And you say you love sex on the side. Sex on the side, huh? What about sex on your back, or sex on top. Sex on the side has always struck me a awkward and a good way to poke out an eye.

Also, about seeing your pictures. I don't know if you know this, but there are a lot of pictures of naked woman on the net, and they don't require an email at all. I mean, you can't really surf the internet anymore without running into a naked lady.

Now if you were actually dressed, and you actually treated your hard working man right, that I would like to see. Oh well...

Early American Spam

We know our history at Message Partners, and as the history of spam is not a long one, that's pretty easy for us to do. But what if Spam existed pert near forever, even during the founding of America. Hear Ye Hear Ye Hear Ye!!! Some examples follow:

To: GW@MtVernon.com
Subject: Got Teeth?
Here at Choppers Inc., the tooth specialists, we have many new and revolutionary replacement ideas for your old wooden teeth. Our newest invention is teeth made from baked cow dung, which is very cheap, and eliminates most of the smell. But it sure beats lip splinters. Click here.

To: Madison@WoodCattage.com
Subject: Ye Olde Sex Organ...
Would you like your unit to look huge. Just visit our website and buy our organ enlarger then, when you get together with your lady-friend, just have her put on the special spectacles and watch her recoil in horror.

To: PaulRevere@DamnedBritish.com
Subject: Horse Security
Did you know horse thievery and horse jacking are on the rise all over the 13 colonies. With our saddle security lock, absolutely no one can get on your horse or get the saddle off without your permission. And the giant wooden bar that stretches across most main streets easily folds up and fits in a saddlebag.

To: DearestDaniel@PlymouthBoulder.com
Subject: You could be rich
Hello Daniel. I am Steve Stevo, and I am personal assistant to the King of Canada. While you may think Canada has no King, how wrong you are. We need you to send us some money so we can find and unbury great riches, which we will split 70/45 with you (authors note: this is early America, where they didn't have a real good fix on percentages).

Spam for Insects

Spam spam spammity spam. Some days, that seems to be all we think about at Message Partners. So on those spam-filled days, I just have to think of spam in a different way. And today, I'm thinking about what spam would look like if insects got email. It follows:

To: ant26798765454@hotmail.com
Subject: Picnic Alert
Want to take the guesswork out of raiding picnics? Tired of getting their too late after the potato salad has been raided and the humans have scattered? Then click here and get our up-to-the-minute picnic alert.

To: CricketNick33@gmail.com
Subject: Chirp
Chirp chirp chirp bigger chirp chirp longer chirp chirp chirp click here.

To: GnatNat@aol.com
Subject: Lost a Loved One?
We've managed to gather a massive database of windshield photos that you can search through to find out if a loved one left you, or ended up an asterisk on the windshield.

To: TopBug@hotmail.com
Subject: Human Spray
Humans have bug spray. And now bugs have human spray. Also, are you tired of being tiny? Click here and see what we have to make you as big as a bus at BugLabs has in the works.

To: Cicada@swampmail.com
Subject: Cicada Dating
Some cicadas appear every year, and then there are those that only appear every 17 years. Whichever one you are, when you only live two to four weeks, you don't want to waste your time in endless small talk and first dates. Meet your life partner here now!!!

To: BeetleBob@MyDarkSpace.com
Subject: Beetle Power
Are you tired of overhearing people talking about you, the most species-rich of the insect world, only to realize they're referring to some mop-top band that's never even seen the underside of a rock. We have some connections in high government to get Beetles back on everyone's mind.

To: BuzzBoy@HiveCentral.com
Subject: The Bird and the Bees
We understand this is the internet, and there are many disgusting things on the internet, but BirdsAndTheBees is NOT a porn site. Our site is about actual birds and bees. Can you believe it? So please, visit, and please don't ask for insect porn.

To: Sketto@gmail.com
Subject: Make Money Swarming
For years mosquitoes have just randomly swarmed without any real formation and with no plan. Well we at Completo Mosquito can now offer you money to swarm in corporate logo formations. While it's not a lot of money, it's not like you have mosquitoes have savings accounts anyway.

Spammer Skillz Quiz

At Message Partners, we are aware that pretty much every job has an aptitude test. Well, what about spammers then? The test follows:

1. Email is a great way to...
a) Keep in touch with friends.
b) Forward funny jokes and videos to many people
c) Enlarge your penis.

2. The letters PAMS can be rearranged to spell what word that brings many great and wondrous things into being (hint: it's not AMPS and it's not SMAP and don't you dare write MAPS): ____________________

3. 1,000 billion spam messages are?
a) Way too much.
b) A decent number.
c) A good start.

4. Rose is to one dozen as spam is to:
a) Three dozen.
b) A million.
c) Instead of buying roses, why don't you just hire a hooker.

5. If Tom is bigger than Bill, and Bill is bigger than Leroy, then who needs to take enlargement pills?
a) Tom
b) Bill
c) Every Tom, Bill, and Leroy that has ever been born.

6. A worthless junk stock is worth?
a) Nothing.
b) Fifty dollars.
c) A fantastic opportunity to get rich if you would just click here.

7. Finish the following sentence: "When the going gets tough, the tough _____
a) Get going.
b) Email their friends.
c) Get out of here, spamming ain't tough.

CIA Spam

At Message Partners, we think a lot about spam (maybe too much). At the CIA, they think a lot about you and me. So what if we combined the two, what if spam knew every last thing about you. Some examples follow:

To:DonaldC@Gmail.com
Subject: Last Longer in Bed
Hello Donald C___ at 14 Prairie Drive. We noticed you didn't do so well with your wife last night, Mr. 34 second man? We at the CIA think you should take something for that. Click right here and you'll see what.

To: MaximumSteve@Yahoo.com
Subject: Your Daughter
Yes, you're daughter looks like an angel. Yes, you're daughter gets all As at her catholic school. But did you know you're daughter is busier than a urinal at a prostate convention? Just look at her MySpace page here.

To: CherylSheffield@AOL.com
Subject: Lipstick
Lipstick is a wonderful thing. It can make ordinary lips look extraordinary. But you already have 17 lipsticks in hump-me-now red. So did you really need to take the sample stick from the Marshall's display last Tuesday at 4:57? Put it back and we'll forget about the whole thing...for now.

To: Jessie11@Gmail.com
Subject: Tooth Care
Hey Jessie, did you realize that when you brushed your teeth, you often skip the last two molars on the upper right side of your mouth. You might want to start paying some bristle attention over there. Oh, and you need to replace your toothbrush.

To: TorrellThomas@hotmail.com
Subject: King of Nigeria
Hello Torrell. Unless you have an Uncle that we don't know about, you are clearly not, nor have you ever known, the ex-King of Nigeria. But did you know we at the CIA do know the President of the United States. Are you going to make us prove it, Torrell?

Translating Spam

At Message Partners, we see lots and lots of spam (to fight it you have to know it). We have come to the conclusion that spam is one funny language. Which led us to wonder, what would spam read like if translated it into another language then translated back again. Some examples follow:

Started with this line from spam: Shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs.
Translated into Spanish and back it becomes: it will not think anything about falling under the stairs.

Started with: Viagra Soft Tabs will rehabilitate your penis to the extent that it will work better than it used to.
Which becomes (using Spanish): Viagra that the smooth tongue-pieces will rehabilitate their penis until the point of works better than he used a.

Started with: Get rich and follow the millions of people making hundreds of thousands daily off our stock picks now!!
Which becomes (using Spanish): Obtain rich and you follow million people who now make hundreds of daily thousands of our common selections!

Started with: This gem is really movable!!
Which becomes (using Greek): This precious stone is really mobile!

Started with: Then get in touch with me once you receive your draft so that we will rejoice over that together.
Which becomes (using Russian): After this, will obtain in the contact with me as soon as you you will obtain your project so that we rejoice will above the fact together.

Started with: Millions of men are already applying male enhancement patches daily and watching their size and drive go through the roof!
Which becomes (using Portuguese): The millions of the men are applying already the masculine patches of the distinction daily and giving to attention its size and movement it crosses the roof!

Started with: His rejoice himself provoke
Which becomes (using French): His are delighted cause

Started with: When I run out, I shall be ordering as much as my pension will allow.
Which becomes (using Russion): When 4 flight outside, I will order as much in proportion to my pension it will allow.

Renaissance Spam

At Message Partners, our platform is something of a renaissance for System Administrators, as our all-in-one email security solution also includes many essential email tools , so instead of spending countless hours scripting and patching various email tools, with our Message Processing Platform, all the tools are already at your fingertips. With that in mind, what would spam look like during the renaissance? It follows:

To: LeSteve@firemail.com
We have finally figured out how to realistically depict the human figure. You know what that means! Get your female nudes by clicking here.

To: Deanardo@universewideweb.com
Subject: Important New Discovery
Did you know they have proven that the Earth revolves around the sun. You had better purchase our patented Earth Fastener to keep you fastened to the earth and stop you from getting tossed into the cosmos.

To: MarkusArelious@HaYoo.com
Subject: Printing Press
We just invented the printing press. What is a printing press, you ask? We can press the wrinkles out of your pants, your shirts, even your undergarments. Click here.

To: MonaSuzanne@Geemail.com
Subject: Your Career
Not rising fast enough in your job? Do you feel like you have all the skills to be at the top, but the bosses keep holding you back. Come to Machiavelli.com, where we have some very new and interesting ideas on how to get ahead.

To: John1@Popespace.com
Subject: The Age of Reason
Did you know it's the age of reason? What more reason do you need to click here.

To: Leonardo@sunking.com
Subject: The Plague
Stevenson the Barber, who also specializes in bloodletting and amputation, has found the best way to avoid the Black Plague is to wear black stockings over your head. Sure, you'll look silly, but at least you'll be alive. Buy them here.

To: Bobalengelo@Nosebook.com
Subject: Mona Lisa Gone Wild
Ever wonder what Mona Lisa does when she goes out? Get your very accurate drawings of Mona Lisa out partying with Leo Da Vinci and his crew right here.

Invisible Man Spam

This week, at Message Partners, the PC World in Hungary tested MPP against the competition, and our spam accuracy was an astounding 99.35 percent (the others scored only in the 89 to 91 percentile). That just goes to show you that a layered approach to stopping spam is by far the best.

What follows is what I think spam would look like for the Invisible Man.

To:
Subject:

So just click here.
Note: Above is an example of invisible spam for the invisible man.

To: NowYouDon't@hotmail.com
Subject: Gain More Visibility
Did you know that invisible people are the most likely to be passed over at work. Then come to our website and learn how to make yourself known in your office today.

To: SexyUnseen@Whodat.com
Subject: Dating for the Invisible
Click here and visit the number one dating site for invisible people. And while it not might matter how tall you are, or how big your nose is, or what size dress you might wear, the rule still applies: no Body Odor!

To: Yoyoyo@gmail.com
Subject: Expose Yourself
As an invisible, do you feel like the whole webcam thing has passed you by. Well click here, and we have infrared cameras that can pick up your heat image and project it to the world.

To: Danforth@yahoo.com
Subject: Get Bigger
A recent study says that invisible people must have sex organs 25% larger to impress the opposite sex. So click right here and we'll get you bigger quick.

To: DaringDarren@gmail.com
Subject: I Know It Was You
Last night, right before I fell asleep, I suddenly had the sensation that someone was making mad passionate love to me. And as you're the only invisible client I've ever entertained, who else could it be? And if it was you, and I have ways of finding out, Darren, then you owe me 200 dollars.

Spam in Hell

At Message Partners, sometimes it seems we get so much spam that we're already in hell, but yet, exactly what would spam look like in hell? My thoughts follow below:

To: Adolph@damnation.com
Subject: Grow Hair
Does your little mustache keep burning off in the fires of hell and no one even recognizes you? Then click right here and we'll make it grow back darker and more ominous than ever.

To: Vic@hellsucks.com
Subject: Nigerian Free Pass
Hello friend. I am a Nigerian sorcerer, and I want you to know that I was doing some voodoo the other day, and somehow I came across a get-out-of-hell free card that I would be more than happy to give to you for a small fee. So, before you spend another eternity in that hellish place, please respond immediately. And even though you're keyboards in hell don't have any letters, and you have to press down on razorblades to type, please write me a million word essay on why you might be interested.

To: Newbie@hell.com
Subject: Get Smaller
Did you get the free increase your pecker pills that we sent. They work, don't they. Too well. Guess you didn't realize have a bigger one just meant you've got more sensitive flesh to burn. So if you click right now, we'll give you pills to radidly decrease your size, all for the low price of 1 dollar. Oh, that's right, you don't have any money in hell.

That's all I got for now, but I'm sure I'll return to this subject sometime soon.