Fourth of July Spam

Well, it's coming up on the 4th of July, and at Message Partners, what would be a better occasion than to figure out some funny (hopefully) ways spammers could spam us Americans for the 4th. And away we go:

To: MichaelBolton@HasBeen.com
Subject: Rockets Red Glare
Remember when you forgot the words to the National Anthem? Well fear no more, just click here and buy our "Star Spangled Banner" contact lenses, and never stumble or forget the words again.

To: Sparklers@FireJerks.com
Subject: Sparklers
Are fireworks illegal in your area except for boring sparklers? At Firejerks we have 10, 20, 50 foot sparklers that will light up the entire night sky for hours. Just make sure everyone is dressed in fire proof clothes. Click here.

To: FirecrackerJoe@ThomasFamily.com
Subject: Like Watching Fireworks Accidents?
So do we. So when you light off all your fireworks this year, make sure you get it all on tape, and send any mishaps to the following link _____.

To: GeorgeWashington@NewCountry.com
Hello George. It has recently come to our attention that you are looking to sign and adopt the Declaration of Independence in early July. May we suggest the 2nd of July, or the 3rd of July, or even 5th of July. You see, we own the web addresses for those dates, and we will be willing to split any profits realized by those exclusive websites. Just don't sign it on the 4th of July, as that site is owned by someone named John Hancock.

To: Dan@Creightonville.com
Subject: Hate A Parade
Do you hate parades? All the noise and commotion. Well just click on the following link, and join our I-hate-a-parade Parade. Come on, it'll be fun.

Dog Spam

While in no way is Message Partners in the pet-care industry, we most certainly are in the stop-spam industry, which makes us wonder: what what spam look like if it came to your pet dog? Some examples follow:

To: Fido@PetKing.com
Subject: SIT!!!
Stay. Shake. Roll over. Up. Get back down. Good Dog! Now click here and buy.

To: Spot@TheThomasFamily.com
Subject: See Spot Do More Than Run
Aren't you tired of all those simplistic Spot stories where all you do is run around and chase things. Well in our new series of books, you can see Spot drive an 18 wheeler, or see Spot trade derivates. Just click here.

To: Rusty@BarnesHousehold.com
Subject: We're Onto You
Come on, Rusty, we know what you're doing when the owners away. Watching cable, checking email, slurping the best scotch, laying around all day in the lap of luxury. If you don't click here and immediately give us 100 dollars (we know where you bury the loose change in the back yard), we'll let your owner know exactly what their little doggie is capable of: WORK!!!

To: Crumpet@MansWorstFriend.com
Subject: Spade Bob Barker
Isn't it time Bob Barker paid for always reminding owners to take your doghood away from you. Your very reason for being? Click here and donate to the cause.

To: Fluffy@FluffnStuff
Subject: Tail Droop
Is your tail no longer wagging like it used to? Is your tail no longer bushy and long? Well click here and in two weeks get a longer, bushier tail that can outwag even the youngest pup!

That's all for now. Have a great weekend all.

You Might Be a Spammer If... (cont'd)

At Message Partners, we do daily battle with spammers. Which makes us wonder, exactly what is it that makes someone a spammer? Some ideas follow:

You Might Be a Spammer If...

You watch a small screen TV so all of your body parts look bigger

You send consulting bills to friends who only thought they were just hanging out with you.

Whenever a magazine insert falls out of a magazine, you fill out a friend’s name.

You tell everyone you were one of the first Viagra babies.

You think women should figure out a way to have babies by e-section.

When you eat rice, you wonder why each grain of rice doesn’t have a message written on it.

You eat Alphabets cereal for every morning for clues to figure out what nonsense messages you’re going to put in your subject matter that day.

You take half a dozen pills every day just to keep your body parts the same size.

Taunting Spam XIII

Due to popular demand, Taunting Spam is back! Haven't done one in awhile, and spam just keeps rushing the barricades we improve by the day at Message Partners. So, for all of those who have to click through a mountain of spam to get to their legitimate email, here goes:

I received the following spam:

Subject: it`s kellie

Hi

My name is kellie. I found your email on that dating site.
I also love sex on the side. I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week :( If you are interested and wanna see my pictures just email me at XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Don`t reply, use the email above (my boyfriend doesn`t know about that email!)

Taunt begins: Hey there kellie. I hope this taunt finds you not so great, Kellie.

So you found my email on that dating site. I think I know the site you're referring to...it's that really high-end Studs for Hire site, right, and as it says on the site, to email any of the studes on the site, you must pay them 1 million dollars. So I can expect the 1 million in the mail soon, right?

And you say you love sex on the side. Sex on the side, huh? What about sex on your back, or sex on top. Sex on the side has always struck me a awkward and a good way to poke out an eye.

Also, about seeing your pictures. I don't know if you know this, but there are a lot of pictures of naked woman on the net, and they don't require an email at all. I mean, you can't really surf the internet anymore without running into a naked lady.

Now if you were actually dressed, and you actually treated your hard working man right, that I would like to see. Oh well...

Early American Spam

We know our history at Message Partners, and as the history of spam is not a long one, that's pretty easy for us to do. But what if Spam existed pert near forever, even during the founding of America. Hear Ye Hear Ye Hear Ye!!! Some examples follow:

To: GW@MtVernon.com
Subject: Got Teeth?
Here at Choppers Inc., the tooth specialists, we have many new and revolutionary replacement ideas for your old wooden teeth. Our newest invention is teeth made from baked cow dung, which is very cheap, and eliminates most of the smell. But it sure beats lip splinters. Click here.

To: Madison@WoodCattage.com
Subject: Ye Olde Sex Organ...
Would you like your unit to look huge. Just visit our website and buy our organ enlarger then, when you get together with your lady-friend, just have her put on the special spectacles and watch her recoil in horror.

To: PaulRevere@DamnedBritish.com
Subject: Horse Security
Did you know horse thievery and horse jacking are on the rise all over the 13 colonies. With our saddle security lock, absolutely no one can get on your horse or get the saddle off without your permission. And the giant wooden bar that stretches across most main streets easily folds up and fits in a saddlebag.

To: DearestDaniel@PlymouthBoulder.com
Subject: You could be rich
Hello Daniel. I am Steve Stevo, and I am personal assistant to the King of Canada. While you may think Canada has no King, how wrong you are. We need you to send us some money so we can find and unbury great riches, which we will split 70/45 with you (authors note: this is early America, where they didn't have a real good fix on percentages).

Spam for Insects

Spam spam spammity spam. Some days, that seems to be all we think about at Message Partners. So on those spam-filled days, I just have to think of spam in a different way. And today, I'm thinking about what spam would look like if insects got email. It follows:

To: ant26798765454@hotmail.com
Subject: Picnic Alert
Want to take the guesswork out of raiding picnics? Tired of getting their too late after the potato salad has been raided and the humans have scattered? Then click here and get our up-to-the-minute picnic alert.

To: CricketNick33@gmail.com
Subject: Chirp
Chirp chirp chirp bigger chirp chirp longer chirp chirp chirp click here.

To: GnatNat@aol.com
Subject: Lost a Loved One?
We've managed to gather a massive database of windshield photos that you can search through to find out if a loved one left you, or ended up an asterisk on the windshield.

To: TopBug@hotmail.com
Subject: Human Spray
Humans have bug spray. And now bugs have human spray. Also, are you tired of being tiny? Click here and see what we have to make you as big as a bus at BugLabs has in the works.

To: Cicada@swampmail.com
Subject: Cicada Dating
Some cicadas appear every year, and then there are those that only appear every 17 years. Whichever one you are, when you only live two to four weeks, you don't want to waste your time in endless small talk and first dates. Meet your life partner here now!!!

To: BeetleBob@MyDarkSpace.com
Subject: Beetle Power
Are you tired of overhearing people talking about you, the most species-rich of the insect world, only to realize they're referring to some mop-top band that's never even seen the underside of a rock. We have some connections in high government to get Beetles back on everyone's mind.

To: BuzzBoy@HiveCentral.com
Subject: The Bird and the Bees
We understand this is the internet, and there are many disgusting things on the internet, but BirdsAndTheBees is NOT a porn site. Our site is about actual birds and bees. Can you believe it? So please, visit, and please don't ask for insect porn.

To: Sketto@gmail.com
Subject: Make Money Swarming
For years mosquitoes have just randomly swarmed without any real formation and with no plan. Well we at Completo Mosquito can now offer you money to swarm in corporate logo formations. While it's not a lot of money, it's not like you have mosquitoes have savings accounts anyway.

Pirate Spam

Even though we generally have our eye on keeping email safe at Message Partners, we also notice larger trends, such as the Pirates of the Caribbean pictures, which made us think: what would Pirate Spam look like.

To: PegLegPete@gmail.com
Subject: LJS
Did you know Long John Silver was once known as Stubby John Silver. If you want to see what pills he took to get long, just click here.

To: Arrrrggggh@Scallywag.com
Subject: Pirates of Alaska
Everyone knows that pirates hate the cold weather even more than a polite parrot. But if you've been on the ocean in the last decade you've seen them getting warmer. So join the first pirate ship to set sail for the balmy artic sea.

To: RedBeardRobert@hotmail.com
Subject: Got a Cracker?
Polly wants a cracker. And Polly can be a woman, a man, heck, even a parrot, just as long as you've got 300 crackers if you want to spend the whole night. Click here.

To: BuccaneerBart@PirateSwag.com
Subject: Anti-Piracy
I want to apologize to every one of you scurvy bastards who showed up in your eye-patches and peg-legs to demonstrate against the recent anti-piracy convention held at the Hyatt in Orlando. Who knew they meant copying songs? And what the hell is an MP3 anyway? I wouldn't want to ride on any ship with that name.

To: CaptainCrook@Piracy4Dummies.com
Subject: Google Maps
Have you seen Google Maps, where you can access satellite photos, street level-views, you name it. Did you know they also have another new feature called Google Treature Maps. Click on Google Treasure Maps and find the gold 'X' to see where the treasure is buried. To learn more just click here.

To: EyePatchEric@ShipShape.com
Subject: High-Tech Pirate
Here at Post Modern Pirate, we have developed a number of very useful tools that a modern pirate might need. From an eye-patch that can peer through the thickest fog, to a peg leg with three gyroscoops that won't let you fall over no matter how much booze you've swilled, to special pirate boots that always keep you fastened to the plank. Just click here.

Spammer Skillz Quiz

At Message Partners, we are aware that pretty much every job has an aptitude test. Well, what about spammers then? The test follows:

1. Email is a great way to...
a) Keep in touch with friends.
b) Forward funny jokes and videos to many people
c) Enlarge your penis.

2. The letters PAMS can be rearranged to spell what word that brings many great and wondrous things into being (hint: it's not AMPS and it's not SMAP and don't you dare write MAPS): ____________________

3. 1,000 billion spam messages are?
a) Way too much.
b) A decent number.
c) A good start.

4. Rose is to one dozen as spam is to:
a) Three dozen.
b) A million.
c) Instead of buying roses, why don't you just hire a hooker.

5. If Tom is bigger than Bill, and Bill is bigger than Leroy, then who needs to take enlargement pills?
a) Tom
b) Bill
c) Every Tom, Bill, and Leroy that has ever been born.

6. A worthless junk stock is worth?
a) Nothing.
b) Fifty dollars.
c) A fantastic opportunity to get rich if you would just click here.

7. Finish the following sentence: "When the going gets tough, the tough _____
a) Get going.
b) Email their friends.
c) Get out of here, spamming ain't tough.

CIA Spam

At Message Partners, we think a lot about spam (maybe too much). At the CIA, they think a lot about you and me. So what if we combined the two, what if spam knew every last thing about you. Some examples follow:

To:DonaldC@Gmail.com
Subject: Last Longer in Bed
Hello Donald C___ at 14 Prairie Drive. We noticed you didn't do so well with your wife last night, Mr. 34 second man? We at the CIA think you should take something for that. Click right here and you'll see what.

To: MaximumSteve@Yahoo.com
Subject: Your Daughter
Yes, you're daughter looks like an angel. Yes, you're daughter gets all As at her catholic school. But did you know you're daughter is busier than a urinal at a prostate convention? Just look at her MySpace page here.

To: CherylSheffield@AOL.com
Subject: Lipstick
Lipstick is a wonderful thing. It can make ordinary lips look extraordinary. But you already have 17 lipsticks in hump-me-now red. So did you really need to take the sample stick from the Marshall's display last Tuesday at 4:57? Put it back and we'll forget about the whole thing...for now.

To: Jessie11@Gmail.com
Subject: Tooth Care
Hey Jessie, did you realize that when you brushed your teeth, you often skip the last two molars on the upper right side of your mouth. You might want to start paying some bristle attention over there. Oh, and you need to replace your toothbrush.

To: TorrellThomas@hotmail.com
Subject: King of Nigeria
Hello Torrell. Unless you have an Uncle that we don't know about, you are clearly not, nor have you ever known, the ex-King of Nigeria. But did you know we at the CIA do know the President of the United States. Are you going to make us prove it, Torrell?

Translating Spam

At Message Partners, we see lots and lots of spam (to fight it you have to know it). We have come to the conclusion that spam is one funny language. Which led us to wonder, what would spam read like if translated it into another language then translated back again. Some examples follow:

Started with this line from spam: Shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs.
Translated into Spanish and back it becomes: it will not think anything about falling under the stairs.

Started with: Viagra Soft Tabs will rehabilitate your penis to the extent that it will work better than it used to.
Which becomes (using Spanish): Viagra that the smooth tongue-pieces will rehabilitate their penis until the point of works better than he used a.

Started with: Get rich and follow the millions of people making hundreds of thousands daily off our stock picks now!!
Which becomes (using Spanish): Obtain rich and you follow million people who now make hundreds of daily thousands of our common selections!

Started with: This gem is really movable!!
Which becomes (using Greek): This precious stone is really mobile!

Started with: Then get in touch with me once you receive your draft so that we will rejoice over that together.
Which becomes (using Russian): After this, will obtain in the contact with me as soon as you you will obtain your project so that we rejoice will above the fact together.

Started with: Millions of men are already applying male enhancement patches daily and watching their size and drive go through the roof!
Which becomes (using Portuguese): The millions of the men are applying already the masculine patches of the distinction daily and giving to attention its size and movement it crosses the roof!

Started with: His rejoice himself provoke
Which becomes (using French): His are delighted cause

Started with: When I run out, I shall be ordering as much as my pension will allow.
Which becomes (using Russion): When 4 flight outside, I will order as much in proportion to my pension it will allow.

Taunting Spam XIII

At Message Partners, we have a unique platform that can use multiple spam filters to knock spam dead. I know what you're probably asking yourself. Why would I need more than one spam filter to filer email.

Well just imagine that you were an ISP, and different spam filters looked into incoming email in different ways with much different bandwidth usage. If you're receiving a huge amount of email, and say, SpamAssassin just took a quick glimpse at incoming email and rejected the standard spam, which was 80 percent of all incoming email.

It's fast, and good, but 80 percent still let's plenty slip by. So after SpamAssassin has scrubbed the email, then Cloudmark gets a look at it, and while Cloudmark takes a much deeper look, and takes longer, there's now much less email to accept or reject. That, my friends, is a modern day email service.

And what follows here is the resumption of another way of getting at spam, and that's by taunting it.

I received the following spam:

> Subject: Please Acknowledge Receipt
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> I represent a former Lord Mayor of Marbella in the
>Andalucia region of Spain. I have a very sensitive brief from
>him in investing his fund over 100,000,000.00 Euros in a
>private business I will give the details as soon as i hear from
>you,this is a legitimate transaction we will discuss on
>how much you will earn as your consultation fees as soon
>as i hear from you.
>
>please write back via email and provide me with your
>telephne and fax numbers.
>
>Please keep this close to your chest.
>
>I look Forward to it.
>
>Regards,
>
>Steve

Taunt begins:

Yo Steve. In the subject you tell me to acknowledge receipt. You're email is now in my spam humor blog, which has billions of readers (that number is factoring in spamflation, which is of course how you reached the number of your friend having 100 million Euros).

So you heard from the Lord Mayor of Marbella, huh? What happened to all your investment schemes with the King of Nigeria? Did you two have a fight? I tell you, in my scams, I only deal with Kings or Presidents or Darth Vader. Lord Mayors of small cities just don't cut it in the spam world.

In your sensitive brief, you say he's thinking of investing 100 million euros. So someone with that much money is thinking of making an investment with a stranger on the internet. You'd think that kind of money would buy some access to a bank clerk or something?

Yes, I have my doubts, but then you tell me this is a legitimate transaction. Whew, for a second there I thought you were going to say this is a legitimate scam. But finally, you tell me to keep this close to my chest. Thanks, pal, I'm going to keep this so close to my chest, I'm not even going to tell you about it.

Ha!

Renaissance Spam

At Message Partners, our platform is something of a renaissance for System Administrators, as our all-in-one email security solution also includes many essential email tools , so instead of spending countless hours scripting and patching various email tools, with our Message Processing Platform, all the tools are already at your fingertips. With that in mind, what would spam look like during the renaissance? It follows:

To: LeSteve@firemail.com
We have finally figured out how to realistically depict the human figure. You know what that means! Get your female nudes by clicking here.

To: Deanardo@universewideweb.com
Subject: Important New Discovery
Did you know they have proven that the Earth revolves around the sun. You had better purchase our patented Earth Fastener to keep you fastened to the earth and stop you from getting tossed into the cosmos.

To: MarkusArelious@HaYoo.com
Subject: Printing Press
We just invented the printing press. What is a printing press, you ask? We can press the wrinkles out of your pants, your shirts, even your undergarments. Click here.

To: MonaSuzanne@Geemail.com
Subject: Your Career
Not rising fast enough in your job? Do you feel like you have all the skills to be at the top, but the bosses keep holding you back. Come to Machiavelli.com, where we have some very new and interesting ideas on how to get ahead.

To: John1@Popespace.com
Subject: The Age of Reason
Did you know it's the age of reason? What more reason do you need to click here.

To: Leonardo@sunking.com
Subject: The Plague
Stevenson the Barber, who also specializes in bloodletting and amputation, has found the best way to avoid the Black Plague is to wear black stockings over your head. Sure, you'll look silly, but at least you'll be alive. Buy them here.

To: Bobalengelo@Nosebook.com
Subject: Mona Lisa Gone Wild
Ever wonder what Mona Lisa does when she goes out? Get your very accurate drawings of Mona Lisa out partying with Leo Da Vinci and his crew right here.

Invisible Man Spam

This week, at Message Partners, the PC World in Hungary tested MPP against the competition, and our spam accuracy was an astounding 99.35 percent (the others scored only in the 89 to 91 percentile). That just goes to show you that a layered approach to stopping spam is by far the best.

What follows is what I think spam would look like for the Invisible Man.

To:
Subject:

So just click here.
Note: Above is an example of invisible spam for the invisible man.

To: NowYouDon't@hotmail.com
Subject: Gain More Visibility
Did you know that invisible people are the most likely to be passed over at work. Then come to our website and learn how to make yourself known in your office today.

To: SexyUnseen@Whodat.com
Subject: Dating for the Invisible
Click here and visit the number one dating site for invisible people. And while it not might matter how tall you are, or how big your nose is, or what size dress you might wear, the rule still applies: no Body Odor!

To: Yoyoyo@gmail.com
Subject: Expose Yourself
As an invisible, do you feel like the whole webcam thing has passed you by. Well click here, and we have infrared cameras that can pick up your heat image and project it to the world.

To: Danforth@yahoo.com
Subject: Get Bigger
A recent study says that invisible people must have sex organs 25% larger to impress the opposite sex. So click right here and we'll get you bigger quick.

To: DaringDarren@gmail.com
Subject: I Know It Was You
Last night, right before I fell asleep, I suddenly had the sensation that someone was making mad passionate love to me. And as you're the only invisible client I've ever entertained, who else could it be? And if it was you, and I have ways of finding out, Darren, then you owe me 200 dollars.

Spiderman Spam

As Message Partners, one of the leading providers of email security for Service Providers, we keep a close watch on spam. And with the worldwide release of Spiderman 3 today, we were wondering Spiderman spam would look like. It follows:

To:Spidey@webmail.com
Subject: Your Spider Sense
Want us to make your spider sense really tingle? Then click right here.

To: Webster@empirestatebuilding.com
Subject: Ring Tones
Sure you've got the form fitting spidey suit, and you can stick to the wall and shoot webs. But if don't have the spiderman theme song on your cell phone, you're nothing. Click right here.

To: WebsRUs@superherodiscussion.com
Subject: Webbies
You, yes you, Spiderman, have been chosen for a Webbie award. Now these awards have nothing to do with the world wide web, and everything to do with arachnids. To collect your award, just send us 1 million dollars.

To: stucko@spdrm.com
Subject: Bug of the Month
Yes, you're a man, but you're also part spider, and don't you admit sometimes bugs looks awfully tasty. Well join our bug of the month club, and we'll send you a big juicy new bug in the month every month for your devouring pleasure.

To: BiggerStarThanSuperman@spiderman.com
Subject: Neighborhood Information Service
Superheros can't be everywhere at once, right? So hire us, and we'll be your eye-in-the-sky. Hire us, and we'll give you neighborhood crime statistics, and better yet, we'll even tell you who's been buying extra large insecticide in your area. You don't want to get sprayed with Raid, do you?

Spam for Spammers

At Message Partners, we have really started to wonder that, in a just world, what kind of spam spammers should receive. It follows:

To: SpamBobSquarePants@Useless.com
Subject: Spam Across America
While Hands Across America wasn't the biggest success (wasn't there just one guy holding his arms in North Dakota?), there are many more spams then there are people. So let's spam across America and show them that spammers are people to.

To:Spammy@MillionMail.com
Subject: Spam Camp
Do you love the smell of spam in the morning? Do you refuse to eat breakfast until until you've sent your first million emails? Then come to spam camp located in the beautiful castle of the King of Nigeria. Send us a million dollars and we'll enroll you right now.

To: PamSpamCam@spam.com
Subject: Spam Cam
See Pam Spam. Pam can Spam, yes she can. Watch Pam spam from Iran to Kazakhstan. Watch Pam spam rich man poor man. Pam don't give a damn who she spam. All she cares is that she can. Pam can spam, she sure can, and she won't even stop for her man Stan and their boy Bam Bam.

To: DarthSpammer@spamwars.com
Subject: Spam Your Mom
Are you tired of sending out ten million spam and getting no response. Well we have a simple solution. Spam Your Mom! Hey, at least she'll open your emails, and she is your mom, so you know she has had sex.

To: Dan@SpamSavesLive
Subject: Just the pill for you
Are you sick of shilling pills that cure everything under the sun but actually do nothing at all. Then click here and buy our pills. They don't do nothing at all.

Spam in Hell

At Message Partners, sometimes it seems we get so much spam that we're already in hell, but yet, exactly what would spam look like in hell? My thoughts follow below:

To: Adolph@damnation.com
Subject: Grow Hair
Does your little mustache keep burning off in the fires of hell and no one even recognizes you? Then click right here and we'll make it grow back darker and more ominous than ever.

To: Vic@hellsucks.com
Subject: Nigerian Free Pass
Hello friend. I am a Nigerian sorcerer, and I want you to know that I was doing some voodoo the other day, and somehow I came across a get-out-of-hell free card that I would be more than happy to give to you for a small fee. So, before you spend another eternity in that hellish place, please respond immediately. And even though you're keyboards in hell don't have any letters, and you have to press down on razorblades to type, please write me a million word essay on why you might be interested.

To: Newbie@hell.com
Subject: Get Smaller
Did you get the free increase your pecker pills that we sent. They work, don't they. Too well. Guess you didn't realize have a bigger one just meant you've got more sensitive flesh to burn. So if you click right now, we'll give you pills to radidly decrease your size, all for the low price of 1 dollar. Oh, that's right, you don't have any money in hell.

That's all I got for now, but I'm sure I'll return to this subject sometime soon.

Spam in Music

I don't know if a lot of people know this, but the founder of Message Partners, Mike Katz, actually has a musical background, so it was only inevitable that the following spam funnies, Spam in Music, appeared. It follows:

Spam in Music

SpamWay to Heaven
Spam on the Run (that's what MPP does, at least)
Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Spam
Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady (if you just click here)
All I Need is a Miracle (which you can have by going to this website)
Spam a Gong (Get it On)
Everybody Spams
Don't Spam So Close To Me
Don't Worry Be Spammy
Dude (Looks Like a Lady) (A spam ready title, if you ask me)
Everybody Wants To Rule the World (and for a small payment of 2,000 dollars, you can)
I Got You Spam

That's enough for now, maybe forever, but then again, the spam just keeps on coming...Have a great weekend, all.

You Might Be a Spammer If...

In deference to Jeff Foxworthy, and his funny series of "You Might Be a Redneck" jokes, I am starting a new series, all about spammers. So, without further ado...

You Might Be a Spammer If...

You feel perfectly fine, but still wonder if there's a pill you can take.

You've lost tons of money on a stock that is only falling further, but you tell your friends to buy the stock in the hope it goes up a little before you dump it.

Someone tells you to "Stop it," but you hear "a million times more."

You sweep floors at the local High School, but tell everyone you were the King of Siam even though you don't know were Siam is and don't even speak Siamian.

You take Viagra just for watching a PG-13 film.

You're sure you misplaced a million dollars somewhere, and if only someone would give you a few thousand dollars you might be able to locate it.

You wish they made Valentine's Day Cards that said: I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week. So how about it big boy???

You are envious of autistic people because they get to say and do whatever they want.

Caveman Spam

At Message Partners, we're always looking for fresh insight into ways of stopping spam. So this time, we decided to go back, go way back, to a time when spam was not even a canned meat product.

To: Igor
Subject: Pro-magnum man
Click here, and in one week you'll go from a cromagnum man to promagnum man. Although, as cromagnum man, you probably can't even read this.


To: Ungh
Subject: Make Bigger Forehead
The folks at Early Man Pharmacy have just the pill for you to make your forehead even more protruding. Because let's face it, chicks dig the protruding brow.

To: Nyak
Subject: Better Wheels
Lose the square wheels, Nyak, and join the revolution. Octagonal wheels are faster as square wheels, better for your back, and statistically subject to less accidents and pile-ups.

To: Krut
Subject: Ur Cave
Tired of eating and sleeping and getting eaten on the open savanna? Need a bigger cave? Need an extra love-cave? At Caves 'R Ut, we have just the cave for you.

Taunting Spam IX

I have to say, the email security company that I work for, Message Partners, does a damn fine job of stopping this newest wave of criminal spam...so, when some spam does make it through, it's really got to have a special something to beat the different spam filters that MPP runs simultaneously (in fact, we run three different filters with MPP, two open source, one enterprise, which, now that I think of it, is sort of like the American Idol selection process). And if a spam does manage to break through, well, then we subject it to merciless taunting and name calling. And away we go...

I received the following spam:

Subject: tripartit gossi extrinsi

Hi,

Vl qw AGRA from $3, 33
ClALl wu S from $3, 75
VALlU oh M from $1, 20

Taunt begins:

There's just something about those three words in the subject line that trips me up. I mean the "tripartit gossi extrinsi" bit. It looks vaguely Italian, or what Italian would sound like zipping around Rome on a motorbike at midnight in a rainstorm. But now that I say that, I suddenly imagine myself in Italy, and I've arrived in Rome late at night and I'm trying to find lodging, and everything is closed, and I jump on the wrong bus, and I don't have any Italian currency (this part actually happened to me in Genoa) and I don't know where to go, and I don't know what to say, and nobody can speak English, and all I can repeate, over and over again is "tripartit gossi extrinsi!!!"

So thanks spam, thanks for that Italian nonsense phrase. Now let's analyze the message...you seem to be one of the more focused of the spam pill peddlers. You sell Viagra, Cialis, and Valium, which really makes me wonder what weekends are like at your place.

I certainly wouldn't let you babysit my kids. Hell, with that pill collection, I wouldn't even let you walk my dog.