Spam for Insects

Spam spam spammity spam. Some days, that seems to be all we think about at Message Partners. So on those spam-filled days, I just have to think of spam in a different way. And today, I'm thinking about what spam would look like if insects got email. It follows:

To: ant26798765454@hotmail.com
Subject: Picnic Alert
Want to take the guesswork out of raiding picnics? Tired of getting their too late after the potato salad has been raided and the humans have scattered? Then click here and get our up-to-the-minute picnic alert.

To: CricketNick33@gmail.com
Subject: Chirp
Chirp chirp chirp bigger chirp chirp longer chirp chirp chirp click here.

To: GnatNat@aol.com
Subject: Lost a Loved One?
We've managed to gather a massive database of windshield photos that you can search through to find out if a loved one left you, or ended up an asterisk on the windshield.

To: TopBug@hotmail.com
Subject: Human Spray
Humans have bug spray. And now bugs have human spray. Also, are you tired of being tiny? Click here and see what we have to make you as big as a bus at BugLabs has in the works.

To: Cicada@swampmail.com
Subject: Cicada Dating
Some cicadas appear every year, and then there are those that only appear every 17 years. Whichever one you are, when you only live two to four weeks, you don't want to waste your time in endless small talk and first dates. Meet your life partner here now!!!

To: BeetleBob@MyDarkSpace.com
Subject: Beetle Power
Are you tired of overhearing people talking about you, the most species-rich of the insect world, only to realize they're referring to some mop-top band that's never even seen the underside of a rock. We have some connections in high government to get Beetles back on everyone's mind.

To: BuzzBoy@HiveCentral.com
Subject: The Bird and the Bees
We understand this is the internet, and there are many disgusting things on the internet, but BirdsAndTheBees is NOT a porn site. Our site is about actual birds and bees. Can you believe it? So please, visit, and please don't ask for insect porn.

To: Sketto@gmail.com
Subject: Make Money Swarming
For years mosquitoes have just randomly swarmed without any real formation and with no plan. Well we at Completo Mosquito can now offer you money to swarm in corporate logo formations. While it's not a lot of money, it's not like you have mosquitoes have savings accounts anyway.