Spam for Insects

Spam spam spammity spam. Some days, that seems to be all we think about at Message Partners. So on those spam-filled days, I just have to think of spam in a different way. And today, I'm thinking about what spam would look like if insects got email. It follows:

To: ant26798765454@hotmail.com
Subject: Picnic Alert
Want to take the guesswork out of raiding picnics? Tired of getting their too late after the potato salad has been raided and the humans have scattered? Then click here and get our up-to-the-minute picnic alert.

To: CricketNick33@gmail.com
Subject: Chirp
Chirp chirp chirp bigger chirp chirp longer chirp chirp chirp click here.

To: GnatNat@aol.com
Subject: Lost a Loved One?
We've managed to gather a massive database of windshield photos that you can search through to find out if a loved one left you, or ended up an asterisk on the windshield.

To: TopBug@hotmail.com
Subject: Human Spray
Humans have bug spray. And now bugs have human spray. Also, are you tired of being tiny? Click here and see what we have to make you as big as a bus at BugLabs has in the works.

To: Cicada@swampmail.com
Subject: Cicada Dating
Some cicadas appear every year, and then there are those that only appear every 17 years. Whichever one you are, when you only live two to four weeks, you don't want to waste your time in endless small talk and first dates. Meet your life partner here now!!!

To: BeetleBob@MyDarkSpace.com
Subject: Beetle Power
Are you tired of overhearing people talking about you, the most species-rich of the insect world, only to realize they're referring to some mop-top band that's never even seen the underside of a rock. We have some connections in high government to get Beetles back on everyone's mind.

To: BuzzBoy@HiveCentral.com
Subject: The Bird and the Bees
We understand this is the internet, and there are many disgusting things on the internet, but BirdsAndTheBees is NOT a porn site. Our site is about actual birds and bees. Can you believe it? So please, visit, and please don't ask for insect porn.

To: Sketto@gmail.com
Subject: Make Money Swarming
For years mosquitoes have just randomly swarmed without any real formation and with no plan. Well we at Completo Mosquito can now offer you money to swarm in corporate logo formations. While it's not a lot of money, it's not like you have mosquitoes have savings accounts anyway.

Translating Spam

At Message Partners, we see lots and lots of spam (to fight it you have to know it). We have come to the conclusion that spam is one funny language. Which led us to wonder, what would spam read like if translated it into another language then translated back again. Some examples follow:

Started with this line from spam: Shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs.
Translated into Spanish and back it becomes: it will not think anything about falling under the stairs.

Started with: Viagra Soft Tabs will rehabilitate your penis to the extent that it will work better than it used to.
Which becomes (using Spanish): Viagra that the smooth tongue-pieces will rehabilitate their penis until the point of works better than he used a.

Started with: Get rich and follow the millions of people making hundreds of thousands daily off our stock picks now!!
Which becomes (using Spanish): Obtain rich and you follow million people who now make hundreds of daily thousands of our common selections!

Started with: This gem is really movable!!
Which becomes (using Greek): This precious stone is really mobile!

Started with: Then get in touch with me once you receive your draft so that we will rejoice over that together.
Which becomes (using Russian): After this, will obtain in the contact with me as soon as you you will obtain your project so that we rejoice will above the fact together.

Started with: Millions of men are already applying male enhancement patches daily and watching their size and drive go through the roof!
Which becomes (using Portuguese): The millions of the men are applying already the masculine patches of the distinction daily and giving to attention its size and movement it crosses the roof!

Started with: His rejoice himself provoke
Which becomes (using French): His are delighted cause

Started with: When I run out, I shall be ordering as much as my pension will allow.
Which becomes (using Russion): When 4 flight outside, I will order as much in proportion to my pension it will allow.

Taunting Spam XIII

At Message Partners, we have a unique platform that can use multiple spam filters to knock spam dead. I know what you're probably asking yourself. Why would I need more than one spam filter to filer email.

Well just imagine that you were an ISP, and different spam filters looked into incoming email in different ways with much different bandwidth usage. If you're receiving a huge amount of email, and say, SpamAssassin just took a quick glimpse at incoming email and rejected the standard spam, which was 80 percent of all incoming email.

It's fast, and good, but 80 percent still let's plenty slip by. So after SpamAssassin has scrubbed the email, then Cloudmark gets a look at it, and while Cloudmark takes a much deeper look, and takes longer, there's now much less email to accept or reject. That, my friends, is a modern day email service.

And what follows here is the resumption of another way of getting at spam, and that's by taunting it.

I received the following spam:

> Subject: Please Acknowledge Receipt
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> I represent a former Lord Mayor of Marbella in the
>Andalucia region of Spain. I have a very sensitive brief from
>him in investing his fund over 100,000,000.00 Euros in a
>private business I will give the details as soon as i hear from
>you,this is a legitimate transaction we will discuss on
>how much you will earn as your consultation fees as soon
>as i hear from you.
>
>please write back via email and provide me with your
>telephne and fax numbers.
>
>Please keep this close to your chest.
>
>I look Forward to it.
>
>Regards,
>
>Steve

Taunt begins:

Yo Steve. In the subject you tell me to acknowledge receipt. You're email is now in my spam humor blog, which has billions of readers (that number is factoring in spamflation, which is of course how you reached the number of your friend having 100 million Euros).

So you heard from the Lord Mayor of Marbella, huh? What happened to all your investment schemes with the King of Nigeria? Did you two have a fight? I tell you, in my scams, I only deal with Kings or Presidents or Darth Vader. Lord Mayors of small cities just don't cut it in the spam world.

In your sensitive brief, you say he's thinking of investing 100 million euros. So someone with that much money is thinking of making an investment with a stranger on the internet. You'd think that kind of money would buy some access to a bank clerk or something?

Yes, I have my doubts, but then you tell me this is a legitimate transaction. Whew, for a second there I thought you were going to say this is a legitimate scam. But finally, you tell me to keep this close to my chest. Thanks, pal, I'm going to keep this so close to my chest, I'm not even going to tell you about it.

Ha!

Spam for Spammers

At Message Partners, we have really started to wonder that, in a just world, what kind of spam spammers should receive. It follows:

To: SpamBobSquarePants@Useless.com
Subject: Spam Across America
While Hands Across America wasn't the biggest success (wasn't there just one guy holding his arms in North Dakota?), there are many more spams then there are people. So let's spam across America and show them that spammers are people to.

To:Spammy@MillionMail.com
Subject: Spam Camp
Do you love the smell of spam in the morning? Do you refuse to eat breakfast until until you've sent your first million emails? Then come to spam camp located in the beautiful castle of the King of Nigeria. Send us a million dollars and we'll enroll you right now.

To: PamSpamCam@spam.com
Subject: Spam Cam
See Pam Spam. Pam can Spam, yes she can. Watch Pam spam from Iran to Kazakhstan. Watch Pam spam rich man poor man. Pam don't give a damn who she spam. All she cares is that she can. Pam can spam, she sure can, and she won't even stop for her man Stan and their boy Bam Bam.

To: DarthSpammer@spamwars.com
Subject: Spam Your Mom
Are you tired of sending out ten million spam and getting no response. Well we have a simple solution. Spam Your Mom! Hey, at least she'll open your emails, and she is your mom, so you know she has had sex.

To: Dan@SpamSavesLive
Subject: Just the pill for you
Are you sick of shilling pills that cure everything under the sun but actually do nothing at all. Then click here and buy our pills. They don't do nothing at all.

Taunting Spam XII

I must admit, at Message Partners, we have gotten very successful at stopping spam cold. Is it because of the taunting, you might wonder? I can't say, but all I know for sure is that it sure is fun.

So I received the following spam:

Subject: �G���h���XSEX���������m�������������I�o�T���������v������

****************************************************
���T�C�g��20���`50�����������W�������������l���E�n��
���W�������{�������s���R�~���j�e�B�[�T�C�g�����B
****************************************************

�s�����p�����������������t-------------------------------

�T�@�����p���j�������s�������]�����������������������������B

Taunt begins:

�������NO���������THANK�����������YOU���������?������

�I�������������PREFER���������MY���������WOMAN������

���������NOT���������TO���������HAVE������������������

���SO���������MANY���������DAMN���������QUESTIONS���������

Taunting Spam XI

At Message Partners, we take the fight against spam and phishing to the next level: we taunt it again and again and again. But, truth be told, spam doesn't really seem to care, so maybe we just do it for ourselves. But that's OK too.

I received the following spam:

Subject: VERY VERY URGENT

DEAR KHUN
PLEASE HANDLE IT' SECRET
MY NAME IS MRS.NOI TAKSIN SHINAWATRA THE WIFE OF FORMER PRIME MINISTER OF THAILAND.WHO HAVE JUST BIENG OVERTHROWN ON POWER BY THE THAILAND MILITARY GOVERNMENT ON THE [19TH OF SEPTEMBER 2006.] RIGHT NOW WE ARE ON EXILE CURRENTLY IN LONDON, WITH MY HUSBAND. I AM CONTACTING YOU TO ASSIST ME FOR SECURING AND INVEST. I' HAVE THIS HUG OF MONEY IN MY CUSTODY WHICH I WANT YOU TO INVEST IT' FORME WITHOUT MY HUSBAND CONCERNCE WITH A TOTAL SUM OF [USD$21,000.000] [TWENTY ONE MILLION DOLLARS]. SECONDLY AS A POTENTIALOF YOUR COUNTRY,WHICH GUARRANTEES US GOOD RETURNS AND HUMAN SECURITY AS A RESULT OF THE SOURCE OF THE FUND,I HEREBY BELIEVING THAT YOUR ASSISTANCE WILL BE PROFITABLE TO BOTH OF US.I WILL APPRECIATE YOUR WILLINESS TO CARRY OUT THIS TRANSATIONS THE GRATIFICATION REMARK I DETERMINDED AS I SOON AS I HEAR FROM YOU.I HAVE MAPED OUT 10%,FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE AND THAT MIGHT ARISE ON THE PROCESS OF SAFEGUIDIND ME AND THE MONEYWITH OUT EXPOSING ME I WAITE FOR YOUR
URGENT REPLY. SO THAT I CAN UP-DATE YOU WITH INFORMATION AND FEEL FREE TO ASK IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTION CONTACT ME ON MY PRIVATE MAIL

YOURS SINCERELY

Taunt begins: Wow. There is just so much wrong with your letter, I simply don't know where my taunt should begin. Let me just say, though, the very very urgent really got my attention. Had it just been very urgent, well, that's just not enough. In terms of spam inflation, very very is just the minimum amount of urgency.

So you have a "hug" of money. I keep look over the statement, trying to see what might have been misspelled, but I can't think of it. If you meant to say "huge," then you would have wanted to have written huge amount of money. So I think you mean hug of money. Does that mean you have the money in a teddy-bear, which you hug when you go to sleep? Hug if I know.

And why does spam always insist on secrecy? Is that something they teach you at spam-college in Nigeria? Well I think Spam U should change their curriculum myself. And damn, tell them to reintroduce spelling. And grammar. But then again, if you knew that, you'd have the skills to get a real job, so I guess if you're really going to be the King of Spam you have to be something of an Idiot Spamvante.

Ha. Made myself laugh there. That'll do, spam. Now go back to your cave.

Taunting Spam IX

I have to say, the email security company that I work for, Message Partners, does a damn fine job of stopping this newest wave of criminal spam...so, when some spam does make it through, it's really got to have a special something to beat the different spam filters that MPP runs simultaneously (in fact, we run three different filters with MPP, two open source, one enterprise, which, now that I think of it, is sort of like the American Idol selection process). And if a spam does manage to break through, well, then we subject it to merciless taunting and name calling. And away we go...

I received the following spam:

Subject: tripartit gossi extrinsi

Hi,

Vl qw AGRA from $3, 33
ClALl wu S from $3, 75
VALlU oh M from $1, 20

Taunt begins:

There's just something about those three words in the subject line that trips me up. I mean the "tripartit gossi extrinsi" bit. It looks vaguely Italian, or what Italian would sound like zipping around Rome on a motorbike at midnight in a rainstorm. But now that I say that, I suddenly imagine myself in Italy, and I've arrived in Rome late at night and I'm trying to find lodging, and everything is closed, and I jump on the wrong bus, and I don't have any Italian currency (this part actually happened to me in Genoa) and I don't know where to go, and I don't know what to say, and nobody can speak English, and all I can repeate, over and over again is "tripartit gossi extrinsi!!!"

So thanks spam, thanks for that Italian nonsense phrase. Now let's analyze the message...you seem to be one of the more focused of the spam pill peddlers. You sell Viagra, Cialis, and Valium, which really makes me wonder what weekends are like at your place.

I certainly wouldn't let you babysit my kids. Hell, with that pill collection, I wouldn't even let you walk my dog.

More: Spam in the Movies

Was working last night, doing some last minute stuff for Message Partners before I go off on some business traveling later this week, and while I was working I had the Oscars on.

Which made me think I ought to do another Spam in the Movies entry:

Spam by Me
Spamma, Spamma, Spamma
White Men Can't Jump (unless they buy these new jumping pills)
Dr. Strangelove (sounds like pure spam already)
Spam Like it Hot
Spammie Does Dallas
Spammie Hall
Miracle on 34th St. (which you can have too if you just click here)
Spam Pam
S for Spammetta
2007: A Spam Odyssey
To Have and Have Not (click here and be a Have)

Last and pretty much least...

Butch Cassidy and the SpamDance Kid.

Spam Throughout History

Fighting spam has become such a major part of my life nowadays that I almost can't imagine life without it. And the way spam is shifting and changing and evolving, I simply cannot imagine a future without spam.

With that in mind, I thought, what would be our past with spam...I mean, as we head into President's Day, what would it be like if some of our most historical Presidents got spam.

The first one was contributed by my boss at Message Partners, Mike Katz, who I just have to say, truly is the mastermind behind our rocking-ass email platform that he pretty much conceived and built from scratch and that service providers are starting to realize that, yes, they really do need something this advanced and powerful.

So here it is, Presidential Spam:

--------------------------------------------
To: PresidentGeorgeWashington@RevolutionaryAmerica.com
Subject: Last The Whole Revolution

Yo Pres. Don't be a minuteman, click here and order so you can rock the White House.

--------------------------------------------
To: AbrahamLincoln@WhiteHouse.com
Subject: Don't be a slave to low-funds

I know you are President of your country, but I was once the King of a small European country that you've probably never heard of. And I have a large fortune that, if only you can send me 5 thousand dollars so I can access it, we will split it. Honest, Abe.

Well, that's it for now. Hope you all have a splendid three-day Presidential holiday.

Taunting Spam III

At Message Partners, not only do we use the absolutely most advanced and sophisticated email tools anywhere to fight this new flood of spam, we also utilize another spam fighting tool: we taunt it.

I received the following spam-mail:

Subject: And be medical

existing; it would be difficult, if not impossible, to find a branch both small and great. For the same thing may be small in comparison things, also, which are said to be such and such in virtue of these aquatic, are differentiae of animal; the species of knowledge
qualities. For pallor and duskiness of complexion are called is long; these things cannot in their own right claim the quantitative these are not relatives, and, this being the case, it would be true to be true and the other false, for when he is not yet able to acquire
It may be questioned whether it is true that no substance is first is reciprocally connected, as in the aforesaid instances, when particular branches of knowledge are not thus explained. The knowledge substance than another, for it has already been stated that this is
also, in virtue of that habit, to be thus or thus disposed; but surface, for he would state the area which it covered. Thus the things is predicated of the individual, the genus both of the species and knowledge does not differ from another in being two-footed.
present in body at all. Thus everything except primary substances is existence of the perceptible. For perception implies a body receptive of these qualities, but only in that subject of which the a universal rule that each of a pair of opposites of this type has and all those qualities which are classed as dispositions. However character: for the terms like and unequal bear unequal bear a subjects one of the pair should be present, and that in a It is the mark of substances and of differentiae that, in all


Begin taunt: Please note, I shortened the spam by about half for clarity and concision, but it actually didn't help el spammo get to any point at all.

Wow. What a word stream my spammy friend. Are you some sort of modern day poet? Because when I squint my eyes and read those words really fast, it just about puts me to sleep, just like poetry.

I caught somewhere in your stream something about being two-footed. Yep, that's me, two footed all right. Wait! Do you mean two feet on the end of each leg. Yes, I think you do. Actually, that's not me at all. I only have two feet in total.

Had you been more clear, I really really think I would have bought something from you.

Oh, and I like the subject line. "And be medical." How do you "be medical." Is that like "be physical." You know the song, Let's get physical, physical, physical. So instead I'm singing, Let's be medical, medical, medical.

That really works! And it's fun. You, my friendly spam, are a genius.