Dog Spam

While in no way is Message Partners in the pet-care industry, we most certainly are in the stop-spam industry, which makes us wonder: what what spam look like if it came to your pet dog? Some examples follow:

To: Fido@PetKing.com
Subject: SIT!!!
Stay. Shake. Roll over. Up. Get back down. Good Dog! Now click here and buy.

To: Spot@TheThomasFamily.com
Subject: See Spot Do More Than Run
Aren't you tired of all those simplistic Spot stories where all you do is run around and chase things. Well in our new series of books, you can see Spot drive an 18 wheeler, or see Spot trade derivates. Just click here.

To: Rusty@BarnesHousehold.com
Subject: We're Onto You
Come on, Rusty, we know what you're doing when the owners away. Watching cable, checking email, slurping the best scotch, laying around all day in the lap of luxury. If you don't click here and immediately give us 100 dollars (we know where you bury the loose change in the back yard), we'll let your owner know exactly what their little doggie is capable of: WORK!!!

To: Crumpet@MansWorstFriend.com
Subject: Spade Bob Barker
Isn't it time Bob Barker paid for always reminding owners to take your doghood away from you. Your very reason for being? Click here and donate to the cause.

To: Fluffy@FluffnStuff
Subject: Tail Droop
Is your tail no longer wagging like it used to? Is your tail no longer bushy and long? Well click here and in two weeks get a longer, bushier tail that can outwag even the youngest pup!

That's all for now. Have a great weekend all.

You Might Be a Spammer If... (cont'd)

At Message Partners, we do daily battle with spammers. Which makes us wonder, exactly what is it that makes someone a spammer? Some ideas follow:

You Might Be a Spammer If...

You watch a small screen TV so all of your body parts look bigger

You send consulting bills to friends who only thought they were just hanging out with you.

Whenever a magazine insert falls out of a magazine, you fill out a friend’s name.

You tell everyone you were one of the first Viagra babies.

You think women should figure out a way to have babies by e-section.

When you eat rice, you wonder why each grain of rice doesn’t have a message written on it.

You eat Alphabets cereal for every morning for clues to figure out what nonsense messages you’re going to put in your subject matter that day.

You take half a dozen pills every day just to keep your body parts the same size.

The Necessity of Email Integration

A quick description on our MPP enhancements: On a very basic level, MPP functions as a stand alone email security and compliance product. We have significantly increased functionality in terms of how we can control multiple engines, how we can use comparative spam scoring and our own spam scoring algorithm so we can evaluate many tests. We have added considerable enhancements to our white and black listing methodologies and we’ve done a lot with how we archived messages so we’ve increased the archival capabilities considerably.

To hear the whole podcast, click right here.

Taunting Spam XIII

Due to popular demand, Taunting Spam is back! Haven't done one in awhile, and spam just keeps rushing the barricades we improve by the day at Message Partners. So, for all of those who have to click through a mountain of spam to get to their legitimate email, here goes:

I received the following spam:

Subject: it`s kellie

Hi

My name is kellie. I found your email on that dating site.
I also love sex on the side. I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week :( If you are interested and wanna see my pictures just email me at XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Don`t reply, use the email above (my boyfriend doesn`t know about that email!)

Taunt begins: Hey there kellie. I hope this taunt finds you not so great, Kellie.

So you found my email on that dating site. I think I know the site you're referring to...it's that really high-end Studs for Hire site, right, and as it says on the site, to email any of the studes on the site, you must pay them 1 million dollars. So I can expect the 1 million in the mail soon, right?

And you say you love sex on the side. Sex on the side, huh? What about sex on your back, or sex on top. Sex on the side has always struck me a awkward and a good way to poke out an eye.

Also, about seeing your pictures. I don't know if you know this, but there are a lot of pictures of naked woman on the net, and they don't require an email at all. I mean, you can't really surf the internet anymore without running into a naked lady.

Now if you were actually dressed, and you actually treated your hard working man right, that I would like to see. Oh well...

Early American Spam

We know our history at Message Partners, and as the history of spam is not a long one, that's pretty easy for us to do. But what if Spam existed pert near forever, even during the founding of America. Hear Ye Hear Ye Hear Ye!!! Some examples follow:

To: GW@MtVernon.com
Subject: Got Teeth?
Here at Choppers Inc., the tooth specialists, we have many new and revolutionary replacement ideas for your old wooden teeth. Our newest invention is teeth made from baked cow dung, which is very cheap, and eliminates most of the smell. But it sure beats lip splinters. Click here.

To: Madison@WoodCattage.com
Subject: Ye Olde Sex Organ...
Would you like your unit to look huge. Just visit our website and buy our organ enlarger then, when you get together with your lady-friend, just have her put on the special spectacles and watch her recoil in horror.

To: PaulRevere@DamnedBritish.com
Subject: Horse Security
Did you know horse thievery and horse jacking are on the rise all over the 13 colonies. With our saddle security lock, absolutely no one can get on your horse or get the saddle off without your permission. And the giant wooden bar that stretches across most main streets easily folds up and fits in a saddlebag.

To: DearestDaniel@PlymouthBoulder.com
Subject: You could be rich
Hello Daniel. I am Steve Stevo, and I am personal assistant to the King of Canada. While you may think Canada has no King, how wrong you are. We need you to send us some money so we can find and unbury great riches, which we will split 70/45 with you (authors note: this is early America, where they didn't have a real good fix on percentages).

Spam for Insects

Spam spam spammity spam. Some days, that seems to be all we think about at Message Partners. So on those spam-filled days, I just have to think of spam in a different way. And today, I'm thinking about what spam would look like if insects got email. It follows:

To: ant26798765454@hotmail.com
Subject: Picnic Alert
Want to take the guesswork out of raiding picnics? Tired of getting their too late after the potato salad has been raided and the humans have scattered? Then click here and get our up-to-the-minute picnic alert.

To: CricketNick33@gmail.com
Subject: Chirp
Chirp chirp chirp bigger chirp chirp longer chirp chirp chirp click here.

To: GnatNat@aol.com
Subject: Lost a Loved One?
We've managed to gather a massive database of windshield photos that you can search through to find out if a loved one left you, or ended up an asterisk on the windshield.

To: TopBug@hotmail.com
Subject: Human Spray
Humans have bug spray. And now bugs have human spray. Also, are you tired of being tiny? Click here and see what we have to make you as big as a bus at BugLabs has in the works.

To: Cicada@swampmail.com
Subject: Cicada Dating
Some cicadas appear every year, and then there are those that only appear every 17 years. Whichever one you are, when you only live two to four weeks, you don't want to waste your time in endless small talk and first dates. Meet your life partner here now!!!

To: BeetleBob@MyDarkSpace.com
Subject: Beetle Power
Are you tired of overhearing people talking about you, the most species-rich of the insect world, only to realize they're referring to some mop-top band that's never even seen the underside of a rock. We have some connections in high government to get Beetles back on everyone's mind.

To: BuzzBoy@HiveCentral.com
Subject: The Bird and the Bees
We understand this is the internet, and there are many disgusting things on the internet, but BirdsAndTheBees is NOT a porn site. Our site is about actual birds and bees. Can you believe it? So please, visit, and please don't ask for insect porn.

To: Sketto@gmail.com
Subject: Make Money Swarming
For years mosquitoes have just randomly swarmed without any real formation and with no plan. Well we at Completo Mosquito can now offer you money to swarm in corporate logo formations. While it's not a lot of money, it's not like you have mosquitoes have savings accounts anyway.

Pirate Spam

Even though we generally have our eye on keeping email safe at Message Partners, we also notice larger trends, such as the Pirates of the Caribbean pictures, which made us think: what would Pirate Spam look like.

To: PegLegPete@gmail.com
Subject: LJS
Did you know Long John Silver was once known as Stubby John Silver. If you want to see what pills he took to get long, just click here.

To: Arrrrggggh@Scallywag.com
Subject: Pirates of Alaska
Everyone knows that pirates hate the cold weather even more than a polite parrot. But if you've been on the ocean in the last decade you've seen them getting warmer. So join the first pirate ship to set sail for the balmy artic sea.

To: RedBeardRobert@hotmail.com
Subject: Got a Cracker?
Polly wants a cracker. And Polly can be a woman, a man, heck, even a parrot, just as long as you've got 300 crackers if you want to spend the whole night. Click here.

To: BuccaneerBart@PirateSwag.com
Subject: Anti-Piracy
I want to apologize to every one of you scurvy bastards who showed up in your eye-patches and peg-legs to demonstrate against the recent anti-piracy convention held at the Hyatt in Orlando. Who knew they meant copying songs? And what the hell is an MP3 anyway? I wouldn't want to ride on any ship with that name.

To: CaptainCrook@Piracy4Dummies.com
Subject: Google Maps
Have you seen Google Maps, where you can access satellite photos, street level-views, you name it. Did you know they also have another new feature called Google Treature Maps. Click on Google Treasure Maps and find the gold 'X' to see where the treasure is buried. To learn more just click here.

To: EyePatchEric@ShipShape.com
Subject: High-Tech Pirate
Here at Post Modern Pirate, we have developed a number of very useful tools that a modern pirate might need. From an eye-patch that can peer through the thickest fog, to a peg leg with three gyroscoops that won't let you fall over no matter how much booze you've swilled, to special pirate boots that always keep you fastened to the plank. Just click here.