Pirate Spam

Even though we generally have our eye on keeping email safe at Message Partners, we also notice larger trends, such as the Pirates of the Caribbean pictures, which made us think: what would Pirate Spam look like.

To: PegLegPete@gmail.com
Subject: LJS
Did you know Long John Silver was once known as Stubby John Silver. If you want to see what pills he took to get long, just click here.

To: Arrrrggggh@Scallywag.com
Subject: Pirates of Alaska
Everyone knows that pirates hate the cold weather even more than a polite parrot. But if you've been on the ocean in the last decade you've seen them getting warmer. So join the first pirate ship to set sail for the balmy artic sea.

To: RedBeardRobert@hotmail.com
Subject: Got a Cracker?
Polly wants a cracker. And Polly can be a woman, a man, heck, even a parrot, just as long as you've got 300 crackers if you want to spend the whole night. Click here.

To: BuccaneerBart@PirateSwag.com
Subject: Anti-Piracy
I want to apologize to every one of you scurvy bastards who showed up in your eye-patches and peg-legs to demonstrate against the recent anti-piracy convention held at the Hyatt in Orlando. Who knew they meant copying songs? And what the hell is an MP3 anyway? I wouldn't want to ride on any ship with that name.

To: CaptainCrook@Piracy4Dummies.com
Subject: Google Maps
Have you seen Google Maps, where you can access satellite photos, street level-views, you name it. Did you know they also have another new feature called Google Treature Maps. Click on Google Treasure Maps and find the gold 'X' to see where the treasure is buried. To learn more just click here.

To: EyePatchEric@ShipShape.com
Subject: High-Tech Pirate
Here at Post Modern Pirate, we have developed a number of very useful tools that a modern pirate might need. From an eye-patch that can peer through the thickest fog, to a peg leg with three gyroscoops that won't let you fall over no matter how much booze you've swilled, to special pirate boots that always keep you fastened to the plank. Just click here.

Spammer Skillz Quiz

At Message Partners, we are aware that pretty much every job has an aptitude test. Well, what about spammers then? The test follows:

1. Email is a great way to...
a) Keep in touch with friends.
b) Forward funny jokes and videos to many people
c) Enlarge your penis.

2. The letters PAMS can be rearranged to spell what word that brings many great and wondrous things into being (hint: it's not AMPS and it's not SMAP and don't you dare write MAPS): ____________________

3. 1,000 billion spam messages are?
a) Way too much.
b) A decent number.
c) A good start.

4. Rose is to one dozen as spam is to:
a) Three dozen.
b) A million.
c) Instead of buying roses, why don't you just hire a hooker.

5. If Tom is bigger than Bill, and Bill is bigger than Leroy, then who needs to take enlargement pills?
a) Tom
b) Bill
c) Every Tom, Bill, and Leroy that has ever been born.

6. A worthless junk stock is worth?
a) Nothing.
b) Fifty dollars.
c) A fantastic opportunity to get rich if you would just click here.

7. Finish the following sentence: "When the going gets tough, the tough _____
a) Get going.
b) Email their friends.
c) Get out of here, spamming ain't tough.

Taunting Spam XIII

At Message Partners, we have a unique platform that can use multiple spam filters to knock spam dead. I know what you're probably asking yourself. Why would I need more than one spam filter to filer email.

Well just imagine that you were an ISP, and different spam filters looked into incoming email in different ways with much different bandwidth usage. If you're receiving a huge amount of email, and say, SpamAssassin just took a quick glimpse at incoming email and rejected the standard spam, which was 80 percent of all incoming email.

It's fast, and good, but 80 percent still let's plenty slip by. So after SpamAssassin has scrubbed the email, then Cloudmark gets a look at it, and while Cloudmark takes a much deeper look, and takes longer, there's now much less email to accept or reject. That, my friends, is a modern day email service.

And what follows here is the resumption of another way of getting at spam, and that's by taunting it.

I received the following spam:

> Subject: Please Acknowledge Receipt
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> I represent a former Lord Mayor of Marbella in the
>Andalucia region of Spain. I have a very sensitive brief from
>him in investing his fund over 100,000,000.00 Euros in a
>private business I will give the details as soon as i hear from
>you,this is a legitimate transaction we will discuss on
>how much you will earn as your consultation fees as soon
>as i hear from you.
>
>please write back via email and provide me with your
>telephne and fax numbers.
>
>Please keep this close to your chest.
>
>I look Forward to it.
>
>Regards,
>
>Steve

Taunt begins:

Yo Steve. In the subject you tell me to acknowledge receipt. You're email is now in my spam humor blog, which has billions of readers (that number is factoring in spamflation, which is of course how you reached the number of your friend having 100 million Euros).

So you heard from the Lord Mayor of Marbella, huh? What happened to all your investment schemes with the King of Nigeria? Did you two have a fight? I tell you, in my scams, I only deal with Kings or Presidents or Darth Vader. Lord Mayors of small cities just don't cut it in the spam world.

In your sensitive brief, you say he's thinking of investing 100 million euros. So someone with that much money is thinking of making an investment with a stranger on the internet. You'd think that kind of money would buy some access to a bank clerk or something?

Yes, I have my doubts, but then you tell me this is a legitimate transaction. Whew, for a second there I thought you were going to say this is a legitimate scam. But finally, you tell me to keep this close to my chest. Thanks, pal, I'm going to keep this so close to my chest, I'm not even going to tell you about it.

Ha!

Renaissance Spam

At Message Partners, our platform is something of a renaissance for System Administrators, as our all-in-one email security solution also includes many essential email tools , so instead of spending countless hours scripting and patching various email tools, with our Message Processing Platform, all the tools are already at your fingertips. With that in mind, what would spam look like during the renaissance? It follows:

To: LeSteve@firemail.com
We have finally figured out how to realistically depict the human figure. You know what that means! Get your female nudes by clicking here.

To: Deanardo@universewideweb.com
Subject: Important New Discovery
Did you know they have proven that the Earth revolves around the sun. You had better purchase our patented Earth Fastener to keep you fastened to the earth and stop you from getting tossed into the cosmos.

To: MarkusArelious@HaYoo.com
Subject: Printing Press
We just invented the printing press. What is a printing press, you ask? We can press the wrinkles out of your pants, your shirts, even your undergarments. Click here.

To: MonaSuzanne@Geemail.com
Subject: Your Career
Not rising fast enough in your job? Do you feel like you have all the skills to be at the top, but the bosses keep holding you back. Come to Machiavelli.com, where we have some very new and interesting ideas on how to get ahead.

To: John1@Popespace.com
Subject: The Age of Reason
Did you know it's the age of reason? What more reason do you need to click here.

To: Leonardo@sunking.com
Subject: The Plague
Stevenson the Barber, who also specializes in bloodletting and amputation, has found the best way to avoid the Black Plague is to wear black stockings over your head. Sure, you'll look silly, but at least you'll be alive. Buy them here.

To: Bobalengelo@Nosebook.com
Subject: Mona Lisa Gone Wild
Ever wonder what Mona Lisa does when she goes out? Get your very accurate drawings of Mona Lisa out partying with Leo Da Vinci and his crew right here.