Taunting Spam XIII

Due to popular demand, Taunting Spam is back! Haven't done one in awhile, and spam just keeps rushing the barricades we improve by the day at Message Partners. So, for all of those who have to click through a mountain of spam to get to their legitimate email, here goes:

I received the following spam:

Subject: it`s kellie

Hi

My name is kellie. I found your email on that dating site.
I also love sex on the side. I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week :( If you are interested and wanna see my pictures just email me at XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Don`t reply, use the email above (my boyfriend doesn`t know about that email!)

Taunt begins: Hey there kellie. I hope this taunt finds you not so great, Kellie.

So you found my email on that dating site. I think I know the site you're referring to...it's that really high-end Studs for Hire site, right, and as it says on the site, to email any of the studes on the site, you must pay them 1 million dollars. So I can expect the 1 million in the mail soon, right?

And you say you love sex on the side. Sex on the side, huh? What about sex on your back, or sex on top. Sex on the side has always struck me a awkward and a good way to poke out an eye.

Also, about seeing your pictures. I don't know if you know this, but there are a lot of pictures of naked woman on the net, and they don't require an email at all. I mean, you can't really surf the internet anymore without running into a naked lady.

Now if you were actually dressed, and you actually treated your hard working man right, that I would like to see. Oh well...

Early American Spam

We know our history at Message Partners, and as the history of spam is not a long one, that's pretty easy for us to do. But what if Spam existed pert near forever, even during the founding of America. Hear Ye Hear Ye Hear Ye!!! Some examples follow:

To: GW@MtVernon.com
Subject: Got Teeth?
Here at Choppers Inc., the tooth specialists, we have many new and revolutionary replacement ideas for your old wooden teeth. Our newest invention is teeth made from baked cow dung, which is very cheap, and eliminates most of the smell. But it sure beats lip splinters. Click here.

To: Madison@WoodCattage.com
Subject: Ye Olde Sex Organ...
Would you like your unit to look huge. Just visit our website and buy our organ enlarger then, when you get together with your lady-friend, just have her put on the special spectacles and watch her recoil in horror.

To: PaulRevere@DamnedBritish.com
Subject: Horse Security
Did you know horse thievery and horse jacking are on the rise all over the 13 colonies. With our saddle security lock, absolutely no one can get on your horse or get the saddle off without your permission. And the giant wooden bar that stretches across most main streets easily folds up and fits in a saddlebag.

To: DearestDaniel@PlymouthBoulder.com
Subject: You could be rich
Hello Daniel. I am Steve Stevo, and I am personal assistant to the King of Canada. While you may think Canada has no King, how wrong you are. We need you to send us some money so we can find and unbury great riches, which we will split 70/45 with you (authors note: this is early America, where they didn't have a real good fix on percentages).

Spammer Skillz Quiz

At Message Partners, we are aware that pretty much every job has an aptitude test. Well, what about spammers then? The test follows:

1. Email is a great way to...
a) Keep in touch with friends.
b) Forward funny jokes and videos to many people
c) Enlarge your penis.

2. The letters PAMS can be rearranged to spell what word that brings many great and wondrous things into being (hint: it's not AMPS and it's not SMAP and don't you dare write MAPS): ____________________

3. 1,000 billion spam messages are?
a) Way too much.
b) A decent number.
c) A good start.

4. Rose is to one dozen as spam is to:
a) Three dozen.
b) A million.
c) Instead of buying roses, why don't you just hire a hooker.

5. If Tom is bigger than Bill, and Bill is bigger than Leroy, then who needs to take enlargement pills?
a) Tom
b) Bill
c) Every Tom, Bill, and Leroy that has ever been born.

6. A worthless junk stock is worth?
a) Nothing.
b) Fifty dollars.
c) A fantastic opportunity to get rich if you would just click here.

7. Finish the following sentence: "When the going gets tough, the tough _____
a) Get going.
b) Email their friends.
c) Get out of here, spamming ain't tough.

Caveman Spam

At Message Partners, we're always looking for fresh insight into ways of stopping spam. So this time, we decided to go back, go way back, to a time when spam was not even a canned meat product.

To: Igor
Subject: Pro-magnum man
Click here, and in one week you'll go from a cromagnum man to promagnum man. Although, as cromagnum man, you probably can't even read this.


To: Ungh
Subject: Make Bigger Forehead
The folks at Early Man Pharmacy have just the pill for you to make your forehead even more protruding. Because let's face it, chicks dig the protruding brow.

To: Nyak
Subject: Better Wheels
Lose the square wheels, Nyak, and join the revolution. Octagonal wheels are faster as square wheels, better for your back, and statistically subject to less accidents and pile-ups.

To: Krut
Subject: Ur Cave
Tired of eating and sleeping and getting eaten on the open savanna? Need a bigger cave? Need an extra love-cave? At Caves 'R Ut, we have just the cave for you.

Taunting Spam X

So, this is the tenth edition of my vaunted Taunting Spam, and as evidenced by recent reports, and what I can tell in the spam trenches with my company Message Partners, spam is still on the rise. If this keeps up, I'm going to have to start taunting myself.

So I received the following spam:

Subject: STATUS OF YOUR FUNDS
From: Dr joshua - natbank_plc021@eyou.com

Dear Friend,
This is to notify you about the status of your funds right now in our desk. After due vetting and evaluation of your contract file, which The Ministry of Finance of Federal Republic of Nigeria forwarded and contracted us to see to your immediate payment.
From our findings, you have been going through hard ways by paying a lot of charges to see to the release of your fund, which has been delayed. Please, from now henceforth stop further communication with any correspondence from Nigeria.
Will you follow our directives, your funds will reflect in your account within seven working days from the date we receive it. Do not respond to any correspondence again but only to this Bank, if you're the real beneficiary.
Direct all message email address ID: natwestbank_plc_23@myway.com
Congratulations in advance.
Dr. Joshua Larry
Payment Coordinator

Taunt begins: First of all, Dr. Larry, that has to be the oddest, most convoluted email address I've ever seen from anyone. I mean, here you are, trying to sound like a bank, so you stick some bank name on front of some EYou.com website. I mean, even PYou would be more memorable. And then the bank name (which should usually be the .com part), you have to use _plc021. Are you running that many cons, Doc?

And now the spam mail. I guess this is where everything is headed; no longer are you promising me riches from a deposed king in exile, but you're now warning me about those Nigerian scams so you can then scam me. This is just like those phishing emails that tell me that my account has been breached.

I'm glad this doesn't happen in the real world. Imagine, you go to hospital for a liver transplant, only to have them steal your liver. Wouldn't that suck, Dr. Larry? By the way, Doc, as you're probably not really a doctor, the liver is located in the body and is something you really really need.

And then you notify me about the status of my funds in your desk. Your desk, huh? You work at a bank, but yet you still keep the big bucks in the desk. I get it, so a band of bank robbers show up, and they demand to open the big safe, but they'll never think of looking in your desk drawer.

I could go on, and you know what, I will. Then the email address I'm supposed to correspond with...it only corresponds with the issuers email address in having an absolutely ridiculous and convoluted name. So you're at MyWay.com.

Well, Doc, as they say, it's my way, or the information superhighway, and I think I'll look elsewhere for my easy money. If you would like to correspond with me further, please write me at PresidentPete_42388@PissOff.com

Spam During the American Revolution

At Message Partners, we are very aware of the not-so-long-history of spam. But what if spam had existed through the centuries. For example, what if there were spam during the revolutionary war. A few examples follow:

To: Jeremiah@earlyamerican.com
Subject: 1 if by land, 2 if by sea, 3 if by Suzie
Yes, 3 if by Suzie, so click right here and Suzie will make you forget there is a war going on at all.

To: Bostonian@anti-redcoat.com
Subject: Got Tea?
Heard you had a little tea party over taxes. Go to taxfreetea.com, and forget about paying those high British taxes altogether.

To: NewYorkMan@NewYorker.com
Subject: Beads for Bucks
You know they bought Manhattan for 24 dollars worth of beads? You know what that means? If you plan on being a landowner today, you need beads, not useless currency, so get your beads here, and buy up the whole East Coast.

To: MyFellowAmerican@englandsucks.com
Subject: Redcoat Antics
Download the first video and watch a drunken redcoat forget which end of the musket fires out from. The second video, we prank a redcoat into thinking he has a letter from the king telling him to surrender. It's hilarious, and watch it to the end when he realizes he's being pranked.

Taunting Spam VII

You know, usually I do the Taunting Spam on Mondays, but instead, I wrote something else, but then, at Message Partners, I noticed a definite uptick in spam the past couple of days, which means Taunting Spam certainly must be working in the battle against these mindless e-hucksters. As I'm sure you are all aware, only the most powerful forces in the Universe can stand up to terrible taunting I unrelentingly deliver in this blog.

So I received the following spam email:

WINNING NOTIFICATION FROM TOYOTA PROMOTION. -[Sat, 17 Feb 2007 00:50:24 +0000]

TOYOTA INTERNATIONAL LOTTO (HEADQUATER)
Customer Service Department Affiliate of Toyota Japan
#28 Kanashiwa road Tokyo JP

We are pleased to inform you of the announcement made today, You are among the winners of the TOYOTA CAR INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION PROGRAM

You have therefore been approved for the payment of the sum of US$500,000,00 in cash, including a Toyota car which is the winning present /amount for the Second category winners. This is from the total prize money of US$2,650,000.00 shared among the international winners in the Second category. CONGRATULATIONS!

To begin your claim, please call your claim agent below or send email immediately.

DR.WILLIAM BANDA
EMAIL: willyban_da@yahoo.co.uk


Taunt Begins:

Oh my. You know, I wasn't born yesterday, Dr. William Banda (where'd you get your medical degree, some online degree-mill?), but I can see right through this oh-so-obvious scam.

I am onto your clever wording ways, Dr. Banda. I can see right through where you write "payment of the sum of US$500,000 in cash." (I'll neglect to mention the strange ",00" or the UK email address, or all the other things wrong with your ridiculous email for taunting's sake.) I know when you say I've won a sum of 500 grand, that that really means, when I send you all my info, and fly out to Toyota-land, you'll present me with a shiny new quarter and say, Here you go, here's some of 500 grand.

But what about the Toyota? Well that's the oldest trick in the book. After I pocked the shiny quarter, the drum-roll will start, 2 beautiful models will step out on the stage and wave their hands around, and the silver curtain will slowly drop to reveal...a Toy Yoda.

Yep, I'm on to you, Doctor Banda. But one thing, though, I've had this ache in my knee, you think you could take a look at it?