Taunting Spam XII

I must admit, at Message Partners, we have gotten very successful at stopping spam cold. Is it because of the taunting, you might wonder? I can't say, but all I know for sure is that it sure is fun.

So I received the following spam:

Subject: �G���h���XSEX���������m�������������I�o�T���������v������

****************************************************
���T�C�g��20���`50�����������W�������������l���E�n��
���W�������{�������s���R�~���j�e�B�[�T�C�g�����B
****************************************************

�s�����p�����������������t-------------------------------

�T�@�����p���j�������s�������]�����������������������������B

Taunt begins:

�������NO���������THANK�����������YOU���������?������

�I�������������PREFER���������MY���������WOMAN������

���������NOT���������TO���������HAVE������������������

���SO���������MANY���������DAMN���������QUESTIONS���������

Taunting Spam X

So, this is the tenth edition of my vaunted Taunting Spam, and as evidenced by recent reports, and what I can tell in the spam trenches with my company Message Partners, spam is still on the rise. If this keeps up, I'm going to have to start taunting myself.

So I received the following spam:

Subject: STATUS OF YOUR FUNDS
From: Dr joshua - natbank_plc021@eyou.com

Dear Friend,
This is to notify you about the status of your funds right now in our desk. After due vetting and evaluation of your contract file, which The Ministry of Finance of Federal Republic of Nigeria forwarded and contracted us to see to your immediate payment.
From our findings, you have been going through hard ways by paying a lot of charges to see to the release of your fund, which has been delayed. Please, from now henceforth stop further communication with any correspondence from Nigeria.
Will you follow our directives, your funds will reflect in your account within seven working days from the date we receive it. Do not respond to any correspondence again but only to this Bank, if you're the real beneficiary.
Direct all message email address ID: natwestbank_plc_23@myway.com
Congratulations in advance.
Dr. Joshua Larry
Payment Coordinator

Taunt begins: First of all, Dr. Larry, that has to be the oddest, most convoluted email address I've ever seen from anyone. I mean, here you are, trying to sound like a bank, so you stick some bank name on front of some EYou.com website. I mean, even PYou would be more memorable. And then the bank name (which should usually be the .com part), you have to use _plc021. Are you running that many cons, Doc?

And now the spam mail. I guess this is where everything is headed; no longer are you promising me riches from a deposed king in exile, but you're now warning me about those Nigerian scams so you can then scam me. This is just like those phishing emails that tell me that my account has been breached.

I'm glad this doesn't happen in the real world. Imagine, you go to hospital for a liver transplant, only to have them steal your liver. Wouldn't that suck, Dr. Larry? By the way, Doc, as you're probably not really a doctor, the liver is located in the body and is something you really really need.

And then you notify me about the status of my funds in your desk. Your desk, huh? You work at a bank, but yet you still keep the big bucks in the desk. I get it, so a band of bank robbers show up, and they demand to open the big safe, but they'll never think of looking in your desk drawer.

I could go on, and you know what, I will. Then the email address I'm supposed to correspond with...it only corresponds with the issuers email address in having an absolutely ridiculous and convoluted name. So you're at MyWay.com.

Well, Doc, as they say, it's my way, or the information superhighway, and I think I'll look elsewhere for my easy money. If you would like to correspond with me further, please write me at PresidentPete_42388@PissOff.com

Taunting Spam VII

You know, usually I do the Taunting Spam on Mondays, but instead, I wrote something else, but then, at Message Partners, I noticed a definite uptick in spam the past couple of days, which means Taunting Spam certainly must be working in the battle against these mindless e-hucksters. As I'm sure you are all aware, only the most powerful forces in the Universe can stand up to terrible taunting I unrelentingly deliver in this blog.

So I received the following spam email:

WINNING NOTIFICATION FROM TOYOTA PROMOTION. -[Sat, 17 Feb 2007 00:50:24 +0000]

TOYOTA INTERNATIONAL LOTTO (HEADQUATER)
Customer Service Department Affiliate of Toyota Japan
#28 Kanashiwa road Tokyo JP

We are pleased to inform you of the announcement made today, You are among the winners of the TOYOTA CAR INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION PROGRAM

You have therefore been approved for the payment of the sum of US$500,000,00 in cash, including a Toyota car which is the winning present /amount for the Second category winners. This is from the total prize money of US$2,650,000.00 shared among the international winners in the Second category. CONGRATULATIONS!

To begin your claim, please call your claim agent below or send email immediately.

DR.WILLIAM BANDA
EMAIL: willyban_da@yahoo.co.uk


Taunt Begins:

Oh my. You know, I wasn't born yesterday, Dr. William Banda (where'd you get your medical degree, some online degree-mill?), but I can see right through this oh-so-obvious scam.

I am onto your clever wording ways, Dr. Banda. I can see right through where you write "payment of the sum of US$500,000 in cash." (I'll neglect to mention the strange ",00" or the UK email address, or all the other things wrong with your ridiculous email for taunting's sake.) I know when you say I've won a sum of 500 grand, that that really means, when I send you all my info, and fly out to Toyota-land, you'll present me with a shiny new quarter and say, Here you go, here's some of 500 grand.

But what about the Toyota? Well that's the oldest trick in the book. After I pocked the shiny quarter, the drum-roll will start, 2 beautiful models will step out on the stage and wave their hands around, and the silver curtain will slowly drop to reveal...a Toy Yoda.

Yep, I'm on to you, Doctor Banda. But one thing, though, I've had this ache in my knee, you think you could take a look at it?

Taunting Spam VI

As things shift to and fro in the great spam battle, I can only think that the work I do for Message Partners, the number one spam blocker for ISPs, and this blog, and the taunting of spam, is a big contributor.

So I received the following spam in my inbox.

To: Me
From: kristina@bestladies4u.com

Lets start new relations!

I am kristina. I am from Saint-Petersburg, Russia. I am young cheerful
creative lady who wants to make happy not only myself but all people
who are around me - my friends and my family. Will you join my circle?
I will be waiting for you reply to: kristina@bestladies4u.com

Begin Taunt:

Hey Kristina, what's going on? So, by your email address, you call yourself best ladies for you. You know who used to use that style of writing quite often: Prince. Back before the internet, and it became common, Prince always wrote 4 instead of for, which makes me think maybe you should call yourself the best girl for Prince.

St. Petersburg...did you know my name is Peter? Which makes me wonder, if my name was Jeeves, would you be from St. Jeevesburg. You see, that's what spam does to a person, it makes them doubt everything.

And you say you are a young cheerful creative lady who wants to make happy not only myself but all people who are around me. I've met a few like you, and the problem is, when they're happy, they make everyone happy, but when they've sad, or mad, or just plain peevish, they have to make sure everyone around them is in a bad mood.

So you know what Kristina, I don't think I want to join your circle, your square, and especially your botnet.

Taunting Email

At Message Partners, one of the top ISP email security solutions, we use everything in our arsenal to beat back spam and keep it out of your inbox. We use pre and post-queue filtering, we use pattern matching, we even use taunting. Yes, that's right, we taunt spam; just in case spam one day gets its feelings hurt and decides to leave us all alone.

I received the following message:

GOOGLE EMAIL LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL
WORLD INTERNET LOTTO CENTRE
EASTERN AVE 6528
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION / PRIZE AWARD DEPT.
PROMOTING INTERNET USAGE OVER THE GLOBE
( WE ENCOURAGE GLOBALIZATION)

Dear Winner,

Congratulations to you as we bring to your notice the result of GOOGLE LOTTERY 2007 promotion. We are happy to inform you that your email address have emerged a winner of One Million (1,000,000.00) Euros. Your fund is now deposited with the paying Bank. In your best interest to avoid mix up of numbers and names of any kind, we request that you keep the entire details of your award strictly from public notice until the process of transferring your claims has been completed, and your funds remitted to your account. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming or unscrupulous acts by participants / non participants of this program.

NOTE: to file for your claim, please contact the claim department below on email.
***********************************************
Mr. George Paniou.
Trust Claims Agency
Address:Thinos 73, 10722 Athens Greece.
Tel.:+30-694-092-9118
Email :trustclaim@aim.com
**********************************************

Begin taunt:

Wow, George, so I've won another lottery. You must know, as you claim to be Google, that I get a lot of lottery notices that turn out to be not so true. I mean, if I had a nickel for every email that told me I was a lottery winner, I'd have more money than a lottery winner.

But I digress, as I'm a lottery winner, and I should be clearly leaping about in ecstasy at winning 1 million Euros. Wait, why Euros? I thought Google was a good-old American company. I mean, Europe is nice, and it gave us civilization, but wouldn't Google want to maximize the local goodwill by having a local million dollar lottery? I mean, the kind of money they have, they could probably afford a Billion dollar lottery.

And then you tell me that although I've won, I'd better keep it quiet. Wow, so that's one of the super-secret lotteries. And here I thought a company lottery would be to get attention, to get press, but no, this one's a secret. That's one funny lottery, George.

Then there's the clincher, George. You tell me it's the Google lottery, but then your reply email address has nothing to do with Google. Come on, George, if you're going to be a decent cyber-criminal, at least learn to load the gun and fill-up the getaway car.

It's not like I was born yesterday. As a matter of fact, I just got an email that tells me if I buy these pills I can be born yesterday. I have to go, George.

Taunting Spam V

Well, another week has gone by, and what do you know, I got more spam. My company, Message Partners, has stopped too many spam mails to count, but I've selected the following one to taunt.

Here's the spam I received:

Walter Edwards
to me

show details
12:02 pm (44 minutes ago)

OEM software - pay for software only and save 75-90%!

Christmas discounts! Special New Year offers!
List of following email prices follow...

Begin taunt:

Walter Walter Walter. You are one of us, you obviously sell software, so you must know what's going on out there in the trenches. You kill one spam, fifty take it's place. And sure, they're mostly innocuous, but haven't you been following the latest news, Walter? What comes in with spam also includes phishing, and phishing is all bad. It's tricky, it's deceptive, and people lose a lot of money from it.

So enough of the emotional taunt, what's up with saying Christmas discounts. New Year offers. What is up with that? Where do you get your spam printed, Walter? What sort of lead time do you have to give them?

Oh, that's right, spam isn't printed, it's just crap repeated over and over again in a storm of email. So haven't you noticed it's February Walter!!! What gives, bro, can't you just change a couple of lines, maybe have a Valentine Software special. Timeliness, Walter, advertising depends on timeliness.

But you're beeper probably just sent off, and you have to go to a pay phone and see who it is and what it's about. Later, Walter, and I don't need any of your software, but do you need some of mine? It does a real good job of keeping out spam, spam just like yours, in fact.

Taunting Spam III

At Message Partners, not only do we use the absolutely most advanced and sophisticated email tools anywhere to fight this new flood of spam, we also utilize another spam fighting tool: we taunt it.

I received the following spam-mail:

Subject: And be medical

existing; it would be difficult, if not impossible, to find a branch both small and great. For the same thing may be small in comparison things, also, which are said to be such and such in virtue of these aquatic, are differentiae of animal; the species of knowledge
qualities. For pallor and duskiness of complexion are called is long; these things cannot in their own right claim the quantitative these are not relatives, and, this being the case, it would be true to be true and the other false, for when he is not yet able to acquire
It may be questioned whether it is true that no substance is first is reciprocally connected, as in the aforesaid instances, when particular branches of knowledge are not thus explained. The knowledge substance than another, for it has already been stated that this is
also, in virtue of that habit, to be thus or thus disposed; but surface, for he would state the area which it covered. Thus the things is predicated of the individual, the genus both of the species and knowledge does not differ from another in being two-footed.
present in body at all. Thus everything except primary substances is existence of the perceptible. For perception implies a body receptive of these qualities, but only in that subject of which the a universal rule that each of a pair of opposites of this type has and all those qualities which are classed as dispositions. However character: for the terms like and unequal bear unequal bear a subjects one of the pair should be present, and that in a It is the mark of substances and of differentiae that, in all


Begin taunt: Please note, I shortened the spam by about half for clarity and concision, but it actually didn't help el spammo get to any point at all.

Wow. What a word stream my spammy friend. Are you some sort of modern day poet? Because when I squint my eyes and read those words really fast, it just about puts me to sleep, just like poetry.

I caught somewhere in your stream something about being two-footed. Yep, that's me, two footed all right. Wait! Do you mean two feet on the end of each leg. Yes, I think you do. Actually, that's not me at all. I only have two feet in total.

Had you been more clear, I really really think I would have bought something from you.

Oh, and I like the subject line. "And be medical." How do you "be medical." Is that like "be physical." You know the song, Let's get physical, physical, physical. So instead I'm singing, Let's be medical, medical, medical.

That really works! And it's fun. You, my friendly spam, are a genius.

Taunting Spam II

I said I would do this every Monday, but this Monday was a holiday, and yesterday was too busy of a day, so I chose today to take spam to task and, in essence, to taunt them. Why? Because it makes me feel just a little bit better.

So I received the following spam in my Message Partners' inbox:

Subject: Bruce willis sylvester stallone?

Bruce willis sylvester stallone?
June divorced staple tabloids due romantic junior!
By spy placed williss? Throttlein bobby featured allstar, cast
husband ashton. Spy placed williss body spawned, honest imitators
again wearing.
These, photos unnoticed until? Lifemoore was roswell new mexico but,
spent much.
About last nightfor time hollywood boxoffice successes including
ghost.

Company: CHINA BIOLIFE ENTERP (Other OTC:CBFE.PK)
Symbol: CBFE
Price: $1.55
Target: $4
Market: Bullish

Jane movie shaved off all long hair camera? Mixed founding celebrity,
investor planet chain theme. Near, famous sun valley.
Mark among considered basic instinct batman? Allstar cast, husband
ashton kutcher although, they. Saturday night live served guest, host
brought stage? Demetria gene guynes on november is an. Often fought
beat each other. Bokmlnorsk modified january text. Cover vanity fair
seven months pregnant daughter scout larue.
With bruce willis, sylvester stallone arnold august nude cover.
Murphya menlt cdr joanne butchers wifemarina jensenwere! Suicide
frequently changed jobs made, family move total. Childhood teenage
years suburbs. Uncredited cameo end, spoof young doctors lovein.
Do grantthe onlythe jurorannie lairdnow thenolder murphya menlt cdr.
Played part jackie templeton abc soap opera. Sketch march episode
saturday night.
Stallone, arnold august nude cover vanity

My taunt follows: Huh, interesting, your profligate, overaggressive use of nouns with no connecting verbs is damn near idiot-savant-esque -- without the savant part. So you hook me with Bruce Willis Sylvester Stallone in the subject line.

It's almost like a booming movie trailer...Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone in a blockbuster hit SPAM attack. Not one over-the-hill Hollywood icon, but two, sort of Spam Hard With a Vengeance mixed with Spambo.

This spam will make you laugh, and it will make you cry, and it will also make you plenty confused.

Then it's just pure gibberish, but probably not much different then most of the scripts that get sold in Hollywood. I can just picture some producer guy handing these words over to a screenwriter and saying: We did a study that the next hit movie is going to contain all of these words, but you have to figure out what order they go in.

Then we get to the middle of the spam, the kernel, the truth, the payoff: some penny-stock come-on to help in your pump-and-dump scam run on some foreign exchange.

But you know, I wasted 10 bucks on the last Bruce Willis movie (and I'm probably going to rent the latest version of Rocky), so I think I've spent enough money on your two spam superstars.

You should know, though, if you're spam scam makes money, you're probably going to be hearing from Stallone's and Willis' attorneys. They're going to want their cut.

Who knows, maybe they'll partner up with you, create a Spam-It Hollywood chain of burger joints.