Google Gobbles Postini

The war between Google and Microsoft is getting ever more intense, as Google buys Postini to provide embedded protection for Google Apps, which competes for the very heart of Microsoft's biz: office applications.

While Google Apps has has to be considered a success (signing up 1,000 customers a day), bigger companies have been more reluctant due to fears about security and compliance. But the purchase of Postini should put those worries to rest as Google's hosted office applications are as well protected as Postini's email service.

But what is an email service provider to do? Basically, the only true option for them remains Message Partner's MPP, which you can read more about right here.

Spammer Skillz Quiz

At Message Partners, we are aware that pretty much every job has an aptitude test. Well, what about spammers then? The test follows:

1. Email is a great way to...
a) Keep in touch with friends.
b) Forward funny jokes and videos to many people
c) Enlarge your penis.

2. The letters PAMS can be rearranged to spell what word that brings many great and wondrous things into being (hint: it's not AMPS and it's not SMAP and don't you dare write MAPS): ____________________

3. 1,000 billion spam messages are?
a) Way too much.
b) A decent number.
c) A good start.

4. Rose is to one dozen as spam is to:
a) Three dozen.
b) A million.
c) Instead of buying roses, why don't you just hire a hooker.

5. If Tom is bigger than Bill, and Bill is bigger than Leroy, then who needs to take enlargement pills?
a) Tom
b) Bill
c) Every Tom, Bill, and Leroy that has ever been born.

6. A worthless junk stock is worth?
a) Nothing.
b) Fifty dollars.
c) A fantastic opportunity to get rich if you would just click here.

7. Finish the following sentence: "When the going gets tough, the tough _____
a) Get going.
b) Email their friends.
c) Get out of here, spamming ain't tough.

CIA Spam

At Message Partners, we think a lot about spam (maybe too much). At the CIA, they think a lot about you and me. So what if we combined the two, what if spam knew every last thing about you. Some examples follow:

To:DonaldC@Gmail.com
Subject: Last Longer in Bed
Hello Donald C___ at 14 Prairie Drive. We noticed you didn't do so well with your wife last night, Mr. 34 second man? We at the CIA think you should take something for that. Click right here and you'll see what.

To: MaximumSteve@Yahoo.com
Subject: Your Daughter
Yes, you're daughter looks like an angel. Yes, you're daughter gets all As at her catholic school. But did you know you're daughter is busier than a urinal at a prostate convention? Just look at her MySpace page here.

To: CherylSheffield@AOL.com
Subject: Lipstick
Lipstick is a wonderful thing. It can make ordinary lips look extraordinary. But you already have 17 lipsticks in hump-me-now red. So did you really need to take the sample stick from the Marshall's display last Tuesday at 4:57? Put it back and we'll forget about the whole thing...for now.

To: Jessie11@Gmail.com
Subject: Tooth Care
Hey Jessie, did you realize that when you brushed your teeth, you often skip the last two molars on the upper right side of your mouth. You might want to start paying some bristle attention over there. Oh, and you need to replace your toothbrush.

To: TorrellThomas@hotmail.com
Subject: King of Nigeria
Hello Torrell. Unless you have an Uncle that we don't know about, you are clearly not, nor have you ever known, the ex-King of Nigeria. But did you know we at the CIA do know the President of the United States. Are you going to make us prove it, Torrell?

Taunting Spam XII

I must admit, at Message Partners, we have gotten very successful at stopping spam cold. Is it because of the taunting, you might wonder? I can't say, but all I know for sure is that it sure is fun.

So I received the following spam:

Subject: �G���h���XSEX���������m�������������I�o�T���������v������

****************************************************
���T�C�g��20���`50�����������W�������������l���E�n��
���W�������{�������s���R�~���j�e�B�[�T�C�g�����B
****************************************************

�s�����p�����������������t-------------------------------

�T�@�����p���j�������s�������]�����������������������������B

Taunt begins:

�������NO���������THANK�����������YOU���������?������

�I�������������PREFER���������MY���������WOMAN������

���������NOT���������TO���������HAVE������������������

���SO���������MANY���������DAMN���������QUESTIONS���������

Caveman Spam

At Message Partners, we're always looking for fresh insight into ways of stopping spam. So this time, we decided to go back, go way back, to a time when spam was not even a canned meat product.

To: Igor
Subject: Pro-magnum man
Click here, and in one week you'll go from a cromagnum man to promagnum man. Although, as cromagnum man, you probably can't even read this.


To: Ungh
Subject: Make Bigger Forehead
The folks at Early Man Pharmacy have just the pill for you to make your forehead even more protruding. Because let's face it, chicks dig the protruding brow.

To: Nyak
Subject: Better Wheels
Lose the square wheels, Nyak, and join the revolution. Octagonal wheels are faster as square wheels, better for your back, and statistically subject to less accidents and pile-ups.

To: Krut
Subject: Ur Cave
Tired of eating and sleeping and getting eaten on the open savanna? Need a bigger cave? Need an extra love-cave? At Caves 'R Ut, we have just the cave for you.

Superman Spam

While we don't have any superhero clients at Message Partners, we feel that it's particularly important to keep their email in-boxes spam free just so they have more time to save the world. That said, here's what I think Superman spam would look like.

To: BlueTightBuddy@Superduper.com
Subject: Got Kryptonite in Your Boxer-Briefs???
While most average girls probably think you're the bomb, Wonder Women is probably wondering why you can't go as long as the Hulk. Click here to stop being a Clark Can't and become a better superlover.

To: S_Chest@Flyboy.com
Subject: Crowded Skies
Is the nation's crowded air traffic getting you down? Getting tired of have to make way for every little Cessna and corporate jet in the crowded skies. Click here, and double the brightness of your tights and cape so pilots see you before you have to pick them out of your ass.

To: ClarkK@MetroNews
Subject: Secret Identity
This is the internet, where rumors abound and secret identities have a way of leaking out. So come visit SecretIdentities.com, and see who they're saying Batman and Superman's real identity is this week.

To: Superman@UpInTheSky.com
Subject: Slower Than a Speeding Bullet
Are you tired of hearing that your faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive and all that crap. Sure, that was forty years ago, when bullets didn't go nearly so fast. Need a SuperBoost. Click here and try out our energy drink.

Spam During the American Revolution

At Message Partners, we are very aware of the not-so-long-history of spam. But what if spam had existed through the centuries. For example, what if there were spam during the revolutionary war. A few examples follow:

To: Jeremiah@earlyamerican.com
Subject: 1 if by land, 2 if by sea, 3 if by Suzie
Yes, 3 if by Suzie, so click right here and Suzie will make you forget there is a war going on at all.

To: Bostonian@anti-redcoat.com
Subject: Got Tea?
Heard you had a little tea party over taxes. Go to taxfreetea.com, and forget about paying those high British taxes altogether.

To: NewYorkMan@NewYorker.com
Subject: Beads for Bucks
You know they bought Manhattan for 24 dollars worth of beads? You know what that means? If you plan on being a landowner today, you need beads, not useless currency, so get your beads here, and buy up the whole East Coast.

To: MyFellowAmerican@englandsucks.com
Subject: Redcoat Antics
Download the first video and watch a drunken redcoat forget which end of the musket fires out from. The second video, we prank a redcoat into thinking he has a letter from the king telling him to surrender. It's hilarious, and watch it to the end when he realizes he's being pranked.