Spam for Spammers

At Message Partners, we have really started to wonder that, in a just world, what kind of spam spammers should receive. It follows:

To: SpamBobSquarePants@Useless.com
Subject: Spam Across America
While Hands Across America wasn't the biggest success (wasn't there just one guy holding his arms in North Dakota?), there are many more spams then there are people. So let's spam across America and show them that spammers are people to.

To:Spammy@MillionMail.com
Subject: Spam Camp
Do you love the smell of spam in the morning? Do you refuse to eat breakfast until until you've sent your first million emails? Then come to spam camp located in the beautiful castle of the King of Nigeria. Send us a million dollars and we'll enroll you right now.

To: PamSpamCam@spam.com
Subject: Spam Cam
See Pam Spam. Pam can Spam, yes she can. Watch Pam spam from Iran to Kazakhstan. Watch Pam spam rich man poor man. Pam don't give a damn who she spam. All she cares is that she can. Pam can spam, she sure can, and she won't even stop for her man Stan and their boy Bam Bam.

To: DarthSpammer@spamwars.com
Subject: Spam Your Mom
Are you tired of sending out ten million spam and getting no response. Well we have a simple solution. Spam Your Mom! Hey, at least she'll open your emails, and she is your mom, so you know she has had sex.

To: Dan@SpamSavesLive
Subject: Just the pill for you
Are you sick of shilling pills that cure everything under the sun but actually do nothing at all. Then click here and buy our pills. They don't do nothing at all.

Spam in Hell

At Message Partners, sometimes it seems we get so much spam that we're already in hell, but yet, exactly what would spam look like in hell? My thoughts follow below:

To: Adolph@damnation.com
Subject: Grow Hair
Does your little mustache keep burning off in the fires of hell and no one even recognizes you? Then click right here and we'll make it grow back darker and more ominous than ever.

To: Vic@hellsucks.com
Subject: Nigerian Free Pass
Hello friend. I am a Nigerian sorcerer, and I want you to know that I was doing some voodoo the other day, and somehow I came across a get-out-of-hell free card that I would be more than happy to give to you for a small fee. So, before you spend another eternity in that hellish place, please respond immediately. And even though you're keyboards in hell don't have any letters, and you have to press down on razorblades to type, please write me a million word essay on why you might be interested.

To: Newbie@hell.com
Subject: Get Smaller
Did you get the free increase your pecker pills that we sent. They work, don't they. Too well. Guess you didn't realize have a bigger one just meant you've got more sensitive flesh to burn. So if you click right now, we'll give you pills to radidly decrease your size, all for the low price of 1 dollar. Oh, that's right, you don't have any money in hell.

That's all I got for now, but I'm sure I'll return to this subject sometime soon.

Spam in Music

I don't know if a lot of people know this, but the founder of Message Partners, Mike Katz, actually has a musical background, so it was only inevitable that the following spam funnies, Spam in Music, appeared. It follows:

Spam in Music

SpamWay to Heaven
Spam on the Run (that's what MPP does, at least)
Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Spam
Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady (if you just click here)
All I Need is a Miracle (which you can have by going to this website)
Spam a Gong (Get it On)
Everybody Spams
Don't Spam So Close To Me
Don't Worry Be Spammy
Dude (Looks Like a Lady) (A spam ready title, if you ask me)
Everybody Wants To Rule the World (and for a small payment of 2,000 dollars, you can)
I Got You Spam

That's enough for now, maybe forever, but then again, the spam just keeps on coming...Have a great weekend, all.

Star Wars Spam

A long time ago, in a galaxy not all that far away, Message Partners recognized the need for companies and service providers to easily control spam. So we built MPP. What follows is my imagining what spam would look like in the world of Star Wars.

To: Skywalker@beststar.com
Subject: Who's Your Daddy?
Don't let some guy in a mask tell you he's your father. Click here and find out for sure with our guaranteed genetic testing. The test can also tell you if you are Wookie, Hutt, Ewok, or even Rhodesian Ridgeback.

To: Luuuuuke@hotsunmail.com
Subject: Ring-tones for your 3POs.
Does your C3PO still talk in whistles and beeps? Wouldn't you rather hear it converse with an Eddie Van Halen screaming guitar lick, or an Entwistle bass solo. Click here and download our ring-tones.

To: Darth@MaskBook.com
Subject: Porntroopers
Really think the Stormtroopers are all business all the time? Check out this video of what those men in white do when they're not getting shot to pieces.

To: Yoda@LittleandGreen.com
Subject: Bigger and Better Force
Does your Force not always come when you call on it. Some days, does it feel like your Force couldn't lift a #2 pencil. Well with these pills, your force will be the biggest and strongest in the known universe.

To: PrincessLeia@EarMuffins.com
Subject: Ear Warmers
Are you still wearing ridiculously outdated hair styles just to keep your ears warm. Well with our patented ear warmers, keep your ears warm, and stop looking totally ridiculous.

Taunting Spam XII

I must admit, at Message Partners, we have gotten very successful at stopping spam cold. Is it because of the taunting, you might wonder? I can't say, but all I know for sure is that it sure is fun.

So I received the following spam:

Subject: �G���h���XSEX���������m�������������I�o�T���������v������

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���W�������{�������s���R�~���j�e�B�[�T�C�g�����B
****************************************************

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Taunt begins:

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���SO���������MANY���������DAMN���������QUESTIONS���������

You Might Be a Spammer If...

In deference to Jeff Foxworthy, and his funny series of "You Might Be a Redneck" jokes, I am starting a new series, all about spammers. So, without further ado...

You Might Be a Spammer If...

You feel perfectly fine, but still wonder if there's a pill you can take.

You've lost tons of money on a stock that is only falling further, but you tell your friends to buy the stock in the hope it goes up a little before you dump it.

Someone tells you to "Stop it," but you hear "a million times more."

You sweep floors at the local High School, but tell everyone you were the King of Siam even though you don't know were Siam is and don't even speak Siamian.

You take Viagra just for watching a PG-13 film.

You're sure you misplaced a million dollars somewhere, and if only someone would give you a few thousand dollars you might be able to locate it.

You wish they made Valentine's Day Cards that said: I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week. So how about it big boy???

You are envious of autistic people because they get to say and do whatever they want.

Taunting Spam XI

At Message Partners, we take the fight against spam and phishing to the next level: we taunt it again and again and again. But, truth be told, spam doesn't really seem to care, so maybe we just do it for ourselves. But that's OK too.

I received the following spam:

Subject: VERY VERY URGENT

DEAR KHUN
PLEASE HANDLE IT' SECRET
MY NAME IS MRS.NOI TAKSIN SHINAWATRA THE WIFE OF FORMER PRIME MINISTER OF THAILAND.WHO HAVE JUST BIENG OVERTHROWN ON POWER BY THE THAILAND MILITARY GOVERNMENT ON THE [19TH OF SEPTEMBER 2006.] RIGHT NOW WE ARE ON EXILE CURRENTLY IN LONDON, WITH MY HUSBAND. I AM CONTACTING YOU TO ASSIST ME FOR SECURING AND INVEST. I' HAVE THIS HUG OF MONEY IN MY CUSTODY WHICH I WANT YOU TO INVEST IT' FORME WITHOUT MY HUSBAND CONCERNCE WITH A TOTAL SUM OF [USD$21,000.000] [TWENTY ONE MILLION DOLLARS]. SECONDLY AS A POTENTIALOF YOUR COUNTRY,WHICH GUARRANTEES US GOOD RETURNS AND HUMAN SECURITY AS A RESULT OF THE SOURCE OF THE FUND,I HEREBY BELIEVING THAT YOUR ASSISTANCE WILL BE PROFITABLE TO BOTH OF US.I WILL APPRECIATE YOUR WILLINESS TO CARRY OUT THIS TRANSATIONS THE GRATIFICATION REMARK I DETERMINDED AS I SOON AS I HEAR FROM YOU.I HAVE MAPED OUT 10%,FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE AND THAT MIGHT ARISE ON THE PROCESS OF SAFEGUIDIND ME AND THE MONEYWITH OUT EXPOSING ME I WAITE FOR YOUR
URGENT REPLY. SO THAT I CAN UP-DATE YOU WITH INFORMATION AND FEEL FREE TO ASK IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTION CONTACT ME ON MY PRIVATE MAIL

YOURS SINCERELY

Taunt begins: Wow. There is just so much wrong with your letter, I simply don't know where my taunt should begin. Let me just say, though, the very very urgent really got my attention. Had it just been very urgent, well, that's just not enough. In terms of spam inflation, very very is just the minimum amount of urgency.

So you have a "hug" of money. I keep look over the statement, trying to see what might have been misspelled, but I can't think of it. If you meant to say "huge," then you would have wanted to have written huge amount of money. So I think you mean hug of money. Does that mean you have the money in a teddy-bear, which you hug when you go to sleep? Hug if I know.

And why does spam always insist on secrecy? Is that something they teach you at spam-college in Nigeria? Well I think Spam U should change their curriculum myself. And damn, tell them to reintroduce spelling. And grammar. But then again, if you knew that, you'd have the skills to get a real job, so I guess if you're really going to be the King of Spam you have to be something of an Idiot Spamvante.

Ha. Made myself laugh there. That'll do, spam. Now go back to your cave.