Spammer Skillz Quiz

At Message Partners, we are aware that pretty much every job has an aptitude test. Well, what about spammers then? The test follows:

1. Email is a great way to...
a) Keep in touch with friends.
b) Forward funny jokes and videos to many people
c) Enlarge your penis.

2. The letters PAMS can be rearranged to spell what word that brings many great and wondrous things into being (hint: it's not AMPS and it's not SMAP and don't you dare write MAPS): ____________________

3. 1,000 billion spam messages are?
a) Way too much.
b) A decent number.
c) A good start.

4. Rose is to one dozen as spam is to:
a) Three dozen.
b) A million.
c) Instead of buying roses, why don't you just hire a hooker.

5. If Tom is bigger than Bill, and Bill is bigger than Leroy, then who needs to take enlargement pills?
a) Tom
b) Bill
c) Every Tom, Bill, and Leroy that has ever been born.

6. A worthless junk stock is worth?
a) Nothing.
b) Fifty dollars.
c) A fantastic opportunity to get rich if you would just click here.

7. Finish the following sentence: "When the going gets tough, the tough _____
a) Get going.
b) Email their friends.
c) Get out of here, spamming ain't tough.

CIA Spam

At Message Partners, we think a lot about spam (maybe too much). At the CIA, they think a lot about you and me. So what if we combined the two, what if spam knew every last thing about you. Some examples follow:

To:DonaldC@Gmail.com
Subject: Last Longer in Bed
Hello Donald C___ at 14 Prairie Drive. We noticed you didn't do so well with your wife last night, Mr. 34 second man? We at the CIA think you should take something for that. Click right here and you'll see what.

To: MaximumSteve@Yahoo.com
Subject: Your Daughter
Yes, you're daughter looks like an angel. Yes, you're daughter gets all As at her catholic school. But did you know you're daughter is busier than a urinal at a prostate convention? Just look at her MySpace page here.

To: CherylSheffield@AOL.com
Subject: Lipstick
Lipstick is a wonderful thing. It can make ordinary lips look extraordinary. But you already have 17 lipsticks in hump-me-now red. So did you really need to take the sample stick from the Marshall's display last Tuesday at 4:57? Put it back and we'll forget about the whole thing...for now.

To: Jessie11@Gmail.com
Subject: Tooth Care
Hey Jessie, did you realize that when you brushed your teeth, you often skip the last two molars on the upper right side of your mouth. You might want to start paying some bristle attention over there. Oh, and you need to replace your toothbrush.

To: TorrellThomas@hotmail.com
Subject: King of Nigeria
Hello Torrell. Unless you have an Uncle that we don't know about, you are clearly not, nor have you ever known, the ex-King of Nigeria. But did you know we at the CIA do know the President of the United States. Are you going to make us prove it, Torrell?

Translating Spam

At Message Partners, we see lots and lots of spam (to fight it you have to know it). We have come to the conclusion that spam is one funny language. Which led us to wonder, what would spam read like if translated it into another language then translated back again. Some examples follow:

Started with this line from spam: Shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs.
Translated into Spanish and back it becomes: it will not think anything about falling under the stairs.

Started with: Viagra Soft Tabs will rehabilitate your penis to the extent that it will work better than it used to.
Which becomes (using Spanish): Viagra that the smooth tongue-pieces will rehabilitate their penis until the point of works better than he used a.

Started with: Get rich and follow the millions of people making hundreds of thousands daily off our stock picks now!!
Which becomes (using Spanish): Obtain rich and you follow million people who now make hundreds of daily thousands of our common selections!

Started with: This gem is really movable!!
Which becomes (using Greek): This precious stone is really mobile!

Started with: Then get in touch with me once you receive your draft so that we will rejoice over that together.
Which becomes (using Russian): After this, will obtain in the contact with me as soon as you you will obtain your project so that we rejoice will above the fact together.

Started with: Millions of men are already applying male enhancement patches daily and watching their size and drive go through the roof!
Which becomes (using Portuguese): The millions of the men are applying already the masculine patches of the distinction daily and giving to attention its size and movement it crosses the roof!

Started with: His rejoice himself provoke
Which becomes (using French): His are delighted cause

Started with: When I run out, I shall be ordering as much as my pension will allow.
Which becomes (using Russion): When 4 flight outside, I will order as much in proportion to my pension it will allow.

Taunting Spam XIII

At Message Partners, we have a unique platform that can use multiple spam filters to knock spam dead. I know what you're probably asking yourself. Why would I need more than one spam filter to filer email.

Well just imagine that you were an ISP, and different spam filters looked into incoming email in different ways with much different bandwidth usage. If you're receiving a huge amount of email, and say, SpamAssassin just took a quick glimpse at incoming email and rejected the standard spam, which was 80 percent of all incoming email.

It's fast, and good, but 80 percent still let's plenty slip by. So after SpamAssassin has scrubbed the email, then Cloudmark gets a look at it, and while Cloudmark takes a much deeper look, and takes longer, there's now much less email to accept or reject. That, my friends, is a modern day email service.

And what follows here is the resumption of another way of getting at spam, and that's by taunting it.

I received the following spam:

> Subject: Please Acknowledge Receipt
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> I represent a former Lord Mayor of Marbella in the
>Andalucia region of Spain. I have a very sensitive brief from
>him in investing his fund over 100,000,000.00 Euros in a
>private business I will give the details as soon as i hear from
>you,this is a legitimate transaction we will discuss on
>how much you will earn as your consultation fees as soon
>as i hear from you.
>
>please write back via email and provide me with your
>telephne and fax numbers.
>
>Please keep this close to your chest.
>
>I look Forward to it.
>
>Regards,
>
>Steve

Taunt begins:

Yo Steve. In the subject you tell me to acknowledge receipt. You're email is now in my spam humor blog, which has billions of readers (that number is factoring in spamflation, which is of course how you reached the number of your friend having 100 million Euros).

So you heard from the Lord Mayor of Marbella, huh? What happened to all your investment schemes with the King of Nigeria? Did you two have a fight? I tell you, in my scams, I only deal with Kings or Presidents or Darth Vader. Lord Mayors of small cities just don't cut it in the spam world.

In your sensitive brief, you say he's thinking of investing 100 million euros. So someone with that much money is thinking of making an investment with a stranger on the internet. You'd think that kind of money would buy some access to a bank clerk or something?

Yes, I have my doubts, but then you tell me this is a legitimate transaction. Whew, for a second there I thought you were going to say this is a legitimate scam. But finally, you tell me to keep this close to my chest. Thanks, pal, I'm going to keep this so close to my chest, I'm not even going to tell you about it.

Ha!

Renaissance Spam

At Message Partners, our platform is something of a renaissance for System Administrators, as our all-in-one email security solution also includes many essential email tools , so instead of spending countless hours scripting and patching various email tools, with our Message Processing Platform, all the tools are already at your fingertips. With that in mind, what would spam look like during the renaissance? It follows:

To: LeSteve@firemail.com
We have finally figured out how to realistically depict the human figure. You know what that means! Get your female nudes by clicking here.

To: Deanardo@universewideweb.com
Subject: Important New Discovery
Did you know they have proven that the Earth revolves around the sun. You had better purchase our patented Earth Fastener to keep you fastened to the earth and stop you from getting tossed into the cosmos.

To: MarkusArelious@HaYoo.com
Subject: Printing Press
We just invented the printing press. What is a printing press, you ask? We can press the wrinkles out of your pants, your shirts, even your undergarments. Click here.

To: MonaSuzanne@Geemail.com
Subject: Your Career
Not rising fast enough in your job? Do you feel like you have all the skills to be at the top, but the bosses keep holding you back. Come to Machiavelli.com, where we have some very new and interesting ideas on how to get ahead.

To: John1@Popespace.com
Subject: The Age of Reason
Did you know it's the age of reason? What more reason do you need to click here.

To: Leonardo@sunking.com
Subject: The Plague
Stevenson the Barber, who also specializes in bloodletting and amputation, has found the best way to avoid the Black Plague is to wear black stockings over your head. Sure, you'll look silly, but at least you'll be alive. Buy them here.

To: Bobalengelo@Nosebook.com
Subject: Mona Lisa Gone Wild
Ever wonder what Mona Lisa does when she goes out? Get your very accurate drawings of Mona Lisa out partying with Leo Da Vinci and his crew right here.

Invisible Man Spam

This week, at Message Partners, the PC World in Hungary tested MPP against the competition, and our spam accuracy was an astounding 99.35 percent (the others scored only in the 89 to 91 percentile). That just goes to show you that a layered approach to stopping spam is by far the best.

What follows is what I think spam would look like for the Invisible Man.

To:
Subject:

So just click here.
Note: Above is an example of invisible spam for the invisible man.

To: NowYouDon't@hotmail.com
Subject: Gain More Visibility
Did you know that invisible people are the most likely to be passed over at work. Then come to our website and learn how to make yourself known in your office today.

To: SexyUnseen@Whodat.com
Subject: Dating for the Invisible
Click here and visit the number one dating site for invisible people. And while it not might matter how tall you are, or how big your nose is, or what size dress you might wear, the rule still applies: no Body Odor!

To: Yoyoyo@gmail.com
Subject: Expose Yourself
As an invisible, do you feel like the whole webcam thing has passed you by. Well click here, and we have infrared cameras that can pick up your heat image and project it to the world.

To: Danforth@yahoo.com
Subject: Get Bigger
A recent study says that invisible people must have sex organs 25% larger to impress the opposite sex. So click right here and we'll get you bigger quick.

To: DaringDarren@gmail.com
Subject: I Know It Was You
Last night, right before I fell asleep, I suddenly had the sensation that someone was making mad passionate love to me. And as you're the only invisible client I've ever entertained, who else could it be? And if it was you, and I have ways of finding out, Darren, then you owe me 200 dollars.

Spiderman Spam

As Message Partners, one of the leading providers of email security for Service Providers, we keep a close watch on spam. And with the worldwide release of Spiderman 3 today, we were wondering Spiderman spam would look like. It follows:

To:Spidey@webmail.com
Subject: Your Spider Sense
Want us to make your spider sense really tingle? Then click right here.

To: Webster@empirestatebuilding.com
Subject: Ring Tones
Sure you've got the form fitting spidey suit, and you can stick to the wall and shoot webs. But if don't have the spiderman theme song on your cell phone, you're nothing. Click right here.

To: WebsRUs@superherodiscussion.com
Subject: Webbies
You, yes you, Spiderman, have been chosen for a Webbie award. Now these awards have nothing to do with the world wide web, and everything to do with arachnids. To collect your award, just send us 1 million dollars.

To: stucko@spdrm.com
Subject: Bug of the Month
Yes, you're a man, but you're also part spider, and don't you admit sometimes bugs looks awfully tasty. Well join our bug of the month club, and we'll send you a big juicy new bug in the month every month for your devouring pleasure.

To: BiggerStarThanSuperman@spiderman.com
Subject: Neighborhood Information Service
Superheros can't be everywhere at once, right? So hire us, and we'll be your eye-in-the-sky. Hire us, and we'll give you neighborhood crime statistics, and better yet, we'll even tell you who's been buying extra large insecticide in your area. You don't want to get sprayed with Raid, do you?