Caveman Spam

At Message Partners, we're always looking for fresh insight into ways of stopping spam. So this time, we decided to go back, go way back, to a time when spam was not even a canned meat product.

To: Igor
Subject: Pro-magnum man
Click here, and in one week you'll go from a cromagnum man to promagnum man. Although, as cromagnum man, you probably can't even read this.


To: Ungh
Subject: Make Bigger Forehead
The folks at Early Man Pharmacy have just the pill for you to make your forehead even more protruding. Because let's face it, chicks dig the protruding brow.

To: Nyak
Subject: Better Wheels
Lose the square wheels, Nyak, and join the revolution. Octagonal wheels are faster as square wheels, better for your back, and statistically subject to less accidents and pile-ups.

To: Krut
Subject: Ur Cave
Tired of eating and sleeping and getting eaten on the open savanna? Need a bigger cave? Need an extra love-cave? At Caves 'R Ut, we have just the cave for you.

Taunting Spam X

So, this is the tenth edition of my vaunted Taunting Spam, and as evidenced by recent reports, and what I can tell in the spam trenches with my company Message Partners, spam is still on the rise. If this keeps up, I'm going to have to start taunting myself.

So I received the following spam:

Subject: STATUS OF YOUR FUNDS
From: Dr joshua - natbank_plc021@eyou.com

Dear Friend,
This is to notify you about the status of your funds right now in our desk. After due vetting and evaluation of your contract file, which The Ministry of Finance of Federal Republic of Nigeria forwarded and contracted us to see to your immediate payment.
From our findings, you have been going through hard ways by paying a lot of charges to see to the release of your fund, which has been delayed. Please, from now henceforth stop further communication with any correspondence from Nigeria.
Will you follow our directives, your funds will reflect in your account within seven working days from the date we receive it. Do not respond to any correspondence again but only to this Bank, if you're the real beneficiary.
Direct all message email address ID: natwestbank_plc_23@myway.com
Congratulations in advance.
Dr. Joshua Larry
Payment Coordinator

Taunt begins: First of all, Dr. Larry, that has to be the oddest, most convoluted email address I've ever seen from anyone. I mean, here you are, trying to sound like a bank, so you stick some bank name on front of some EYou.com website. I mean, even PYou would be more memorable. And then the bank name (which should usually be the .com part), you have to use _plc021. Are you running that many cons, Doc?

And now the spam mail. I guess this is where everything is headed; no longer are you promising me riches from a deposed king in exile, but you're now warning me about those Nigerian scams so you can then scam me. This is just like those phishing emails that tell me that my account has been breached.

I'm glad this doesn't happen in the real world. Imagine, you go to hospital for a liver transplant, only to have them steal your liver. Wouldn't that suck, Dr. Larry? By the way, Doc, as you're probably not really a doctor, the liver is located in the body and is something you really really need.

And then you notify me about the status of my funds in your desk. Your desk, huh? You work at a bank, but yet you still keep the big bucks in the desk. I get it, so a band of bank robbers show up, and they demand to open the big safe, but they'll never think of looking in your desk drawer.

I could go on, and you know what, I will. Then the email address I'm supposed to correspond with...it only corresponds with the issuers email address in having an absolutely ridiculous and convoluted name. So you're at MyWay.com.

Well, Doc, as they say, it's my way, or the information superhighway, and I think I'll look elsewhere for my easy money. If you would like to correspond with me further, please write me at PresidentPete_42388@PissOff.com

Superman Spam

While we don't have any superhero clients at Message Partners, we feel that it's particularly important to keep their email in-boxes spam free just so they have more time to save the world. That said, here's what I think Superman spam would look like.

To: BlueTightBuddy@Superduper.com
Subject: Got Kryptonite in Your Boxer-Briefs???
While most average girls probably think you're the bomb, Wonder Women is probably wondering why you can't go as long as the Hulk. Click here to stop being a Clark Can't and become a better superlover.

To: S_Chest@Flyboy.com
Subject: Crowded Skies
Is the nation's crowded air traffic getting you down? Getting tired of have to make way for every little Cessna and corporate jet in the crowded skies. Click here, and double the brightness of your tights and cape so pilots see you before you have to pick them out of your ass.

To: ClarkK@MetroNews
Subject: Secret Identity
This is the internet, where rumors abound and secret identities have a way of leaking out. So come visit SecretIdentities.com, and see who they're saying Batman and Superman's real identity is this week.

To: Superman@UpInTheSky.com
Subject: Slower Than a Speeding Bullet
Are you tired of hearing that your faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive and all that crap. Sure, that was forty years ago, when bullets didn't go nearly so fast. Need a SuperBoost. Click here and try out our energy drink.

Taunting Spam IX

I have to say, the email security company that I work for, Message Partners, does a damn fine job of stopping this newest wave of criminal spam...so, when some spam does make it through, it's really got to have a special something to beat the different spam filters that MPP runs simultaneously (in fact, we run three different filters with MPP, two open source, one enterprise, which, now that I think of it, is sort of like the American Idol selection process). And if a spam does manage to break through, well, then we subject it to merciless taunting and name calling. And away we go...

I received the following spam:

Subject: tripartit gossi extrinsi

Hi,

Vl qw AGRA from $3, 33
ClALl wu S from $3, 75
VALlU oh M from $1, 20

Taunt begins:

There's just something about those three words in the subject line that trips me up. I mean the "tripartit gossi extrinsi" bit. It looks vaguely Italian, or what Italian would sound like zipping around Rome on a motorbike at midnight in a rainstorm. But now that I say that, I suddenly imagine myself in Italy, and I've arrived in Rome late at night and I'm trying to find lodging, and everything is closed, and I jump on the wrong bus, and I don't have any Italian currency (this part actually happened to me in Genoa) and I don't know where to go, and I don't know what to say, and nobody can speak English, and all I can repeate, over and over again is "tripartit gossi extrinsi!!!"

So thanks spam, thanks for that Italian nonsense phrase. Now let's analyze the message...you seem to be one of the more focused of the spam pill peddlers. You sell Viagra, Cialis, and Valium, which really makes me wonder what weekends are like at your place.

I certainly wouldn't let you babysit my kids. Hell, with that pill collection, I wouldn't even let you walk my dog.

Spam During the American Revolution

At Message Partners, we are very aware of the not-so-long-history of spam. But what if spam had existed through the centuries. For example, what if there were spam during the revolutionary war. A few examples follow:

To: Jeremiah@earlyamerican.com
Subject: 1 if by land, 2 if by sea, 3 if by Suzie
Yes, 3 if by Suzie, so click right here and Suzie will make you forget there is a war going on at all.

To: Bostonian@anti-redcoat.com
Subject: Got Tea?
Heard you had a little tea party over taxes. Go to taxfreetea.com, and forget about paying those high British taxes altogether.

To: NewYorkMan@NewYorker.com
Subject: Beads for Bucks
You know they bought Manhattan for 24 dollars worth of beads? You know what that means? If you plan on being a landowner today, you need beads, not useless currency, so get your beads here, and buy up the whole East Coast.

To: MyFellowAmerican@englandsucks.com
Subject: Redcoat Antics
Download the first video and watch a drunken redcoat forget which end of the musket fires out from. The second video, we prank a redcoat into thinking he has a letter from the king telling him to surrender. It's hilarious, and watch it to the end when he realizes he's being pranked.

James Bond Spam

At Message Partners, in a recent lull in the spam battles, the boss and I brainstormed on what James Bond's spam in-box might look like. It follows.

To: double0seven@hotmail.com
re: Bullet-proof your girlfriend
Do your lady friend have a habit of dying off. Well with this easy spray, a quick spray of the loved ones in your life will make them bullet-proof for up to five hours. The spray is neither water proof or flame-thrower proof.

To: BondJamesBond@Gmail.com
re: Permanent Name Tags
Are you tired of saying your name over and over again. Just click right here and get these new, near permanent name tags that proudly says your name right on your fashionable lapel. Name tags are not bullet-proof, water-proof, flame-thrower proof...

To: OhJames@MI6.com
re: Tired of Lasting All Night
Tired of totally satisfying your lady friends and looking for a good night's sleep. Well take these pills and be a total dud in bed.

To: ShakenNotStired@PartySpies.com
re: Build Your Own Volcano
Want to take over the world, but can't find the right lair to plot your world domination in? Click here and with these easy-to-follow instructions, and a few million dollars, we will help you find and build the perfect volcano to bring the world to its knees.

Taunting Spam VIII

At Message Partners, we work and we work to stamp out spam, but still the odd one or two squeak through our multi-layered defenses, only then to be subject to my teasing and ridicule. I almost feel sorry for the spam. Almost.

So I received the following spam:

re: Verification procedure. Please read it carefully !!

Safeguarding your Privacy

Dear Customer, this is the last notification.
Please read it carefully.

- Due to recent account takeovers and unauthorized listings, Capital One is requesting a new account verification procedure. From time to time, randomly selected accounts are placed under an advanced updating process based on merchant accounts/bank relations and on-file credit cards.
Capital One may also request in an email message scanned/faxed copies of one or more photo ID's. Your account confirmation may go wrong if your credit card/bank account has expired, or if you have changed/replaced your credit card without letting us know about the change.

* Your account is not suspended, but if in 36 hours after you receive this message your account is not confirmed we reserve the right to terminate your Capital One subscription.

- If you received this notice and you are not an authorized Capital One account holder, please be aware that it is in violation of Capital One policy to represent oneself as an Capital One user. Such action may also be in violation of local, national, and/or international law.

Remember: We won't require your ATM PIN number for this operation !!

To begin unlocking your Capital One account please click the link below:

(Capital One will never ask for your ATM/PIN)
If we don't receive your account verification within 36 hours from you, we will further lock down your account untill we will be able to contact you by e-mail or phone.

Taunt Begins:

You know, I was all ready to ignore your phishing email until, well, until the very beginning, when you just had to say READ CAREFULLY.

Do you really want my carefully scrutiny, Mr. Phisherman.

First of all, while I've seen a Capital One commercial or two, I do not have a Capital One account. Perhaps you should have said, if you do not have a capital account, please get one, then assume that it has been compromised, then give us all your financial information. That would be sort of like preemptive phishing, a whole new genre.

Then you say you may request copies of picture IDs and all, only to mention, You're account verification may go wrong if anything is out-of-date. Don't you mean that your phishing scam MAY GO WRONG if anything is out-of-date. I mean, geez, I'm just reading carefully here.

And thank god you won't require my pin number for this operation. Usually only Doctors ask for that, and that's when the operation is really major.

And you also say it is a VIOLATION of policy to represent oneself as a Capital One user. But yet you have no problem at all falsely representing yourself as Capital One. I mean, jeesh, talking about the pot calling the kettle stupid.

Star Trek Spam

Back from a business trip to Poland, back to being obsessed about spam and its demise for my company, Message Partners, and was wondering, what would spam look like for the members of the Starship Enterprise?

To: Spock@StarshipEnterprise.gov
Re: Get Bigger Ears Here
Ears not big and pointy enough? Or, do your ears droop at the end of the day. Click here and get the biggest, pointiest ears of any Vulcan. It's just logical.

To:CaptainKirk@StarshipEnterprise.gov
Re: Don't be a Captain Jerk
Hey, Captain. Do you get lonely after those Klingon battles? Do you want to boldly go where, well, OK, well a few men have gone before? So click right here, big boy.

To:CleaningCrew@StarshipEnterprise.gov
Re: No More Trouble With Tribbles
Just click here to learn about our revolutionary cleaning products that will guarantee that you will have no more trouble with tribbles or your money back.

To:Sulu@StarshipEnterprise.gov
Re: Make Billions
Please sir, I am the accountant of the Kingdom of Gloer in Deep Space 11, and if you could just send me twenty million kregors, I could just get hold of these funds and would be most willing to split them with you.

That's all I got for today, but I'm sure I'll come back to this subject.